Seven Year Itch

It is over. I tried everything I could to fix it, but it simply was not meant to be. I really do not believe that things are meant to be or not, but sometimes it is much easier to tell yourself when something turns to shit that it was not meant to be. And I suppose I cannot say that I exhausted every possible means to fix it. The more I think about it, the more options there probably are. But I am getting older and less willing to put more time and effort into lost causes than I used to be.

I bought my computer before I moved to this strange and exotic land where unbridled selfishness and bridled generosity coexist side by side. Actually, I only bought half of it. My brother and his wife threw the other half into the pot. That was a very good deal for me since I was trying to save as much money as I possibly could to move to the other side of the world. As it turned out I had just enough cash to make it to my first paycheck. We will call it a paycheck for the sake of discussion. Nobody is paid in checks around here. Had I bought my computer by myself I would have had to cash a traveler’s check. I am not really sure why I had traveler’s checks. They seem completely unnecessary now. Bill Gates could walk down the streets around here with whatever he spends on blow each week and he would be completely safe. I use Mr Gates as an example because you have to assume that his addictions are far more expensive than ours and he is not exactly Mr Olympia. A 90 pound Chinese dude could take him down.

I want to say that the computer was good to me, but it was trouble right from the beginning. The first time I turned it on it would not turn on. There was always some problem between the battery and the steam pistons or whatever the battery connects to to make the gears and widgets spin round. It turns out my computer was what people in the know call “refurbished”. I bought a used computer without knowing I was buying a used computer. This meant that in addition to all the problems you get when you buy someone else’s computer, it was older than a new computer would have been. This will be an important point as this riveting tale develops. Believe me, you do not want to just skip to the end. You want to read every little detail from beginning to end so you get the full effect of this topsy turvy, yet literarily oblique and heart-warming story of a hooker with a heart of gold and an abandoned companion monkey for the handicapped who shows her the true meaning of Columbus Day just before her top secret rocket scientist ex-fiance discovers that meteors are heading toward the Moon and that the impact will cause the Moon to collide with the Earth and the only person who can save the bookish college girl’s rags to riches wedding to the prince (of darkness?) is a former professional baseball player turned alcoholic bounty hunter whose mother discovered a cure for Tourette syndrome just before she was shipwrecked on a deserted island that holds strange powers for anyone willing to make a leap of faith and journey into the unknown world of those orange traffic cones. I am thinking Judi Dench as Earth President and Steve Guttenberg as the voice of the caterpillar.

Eventually I found that my computer worked best without the battery. This was not much of an issue at home since I could plug it into the wall, but proved problematic whenever I wanted to utilize its portability as a laptop, or what the kids today call a notebook computer. I have never actually used a computer on my lap, so I suppose notebook makes more sense. But I still call them laptops.

Another consideration is that I lived in a very dirty town for the first few years that I had this computer. Most of the towns around here are dirty. This is a pretty dirty country. I guess after five thousand years of brutal rule by emperors and dictators cleanliness becomes less of a priority. If you take your laptop off your lap and take the battery out you may notice that the innards of your computer are exposed for all the elements to see. A laptop without a battery in a dirty environment soon becomes a dirty laptop. I am no expert on electronical things but I assume that filth and insects having a party inside the computer is not good. So I used to unplug the battery and leave it inside. This is actually a bad idea.

Computers get hot. Laptop computers run hotter than those lapless computers. There is a little sticker on my computer that says it is supposed to run hot and the user, in this case me, should just chill. Ain’t nothing but a thing. I am paraphrasing.

Did you know that the contacts on laptop computer batteries melt easily? They do. Or at least mine did. My computer’s battery was rendered useless by my actions only a few months after I bought half the thing. This was never really an issue since the computer never worked with the battery anyway.

Since this was my first laptop I was not at all familiar with the mouse. When I first got it to turn on I was all like dude. My sister-in-law said, “Yo, Homes. Don’t go all mental and stuff. You’ll get used to it.” And she was right. I took to using that weird laptop mouse like a duck to sweet and sour sauce. And then it broke down on me. The little finger pad that moves the cursor around was fully functional, as they all are when I use my fingers, but the buttons were as useless as earplugs on Buddha’s birthday.

Then I up and got me a virus. This was one of those famous viruses that was doing the rounds so I felt better about it. Then I realized that I was just as stupid as every other dipshit in the world who got the famous virus. Boss Lady’s husband also got the virus and he said he took his computer to some guy somewhere and gave his computer some antibiotics. This presented an interesting dilemma. I could either buy a new computer or let some guy somewhere have my computer for a few days and hope for the best. The first lesson all foreigners learn when they come here is that not a single one of these people can drive to save their lives. The second lesson is that absolutely none of them seem to take any pride in their work. Everywhere I have ever gone I have seen that doing a mediocre job is always good enough. Perhaps the horrid driving, laziness and indifference to the consequences of both are related. I settled on using some questionable bootleg CD from Boss Lady’s husband and it completely wiped out the virus. As far as I know.

Bootleg CDs are a dime a dozen around here. Go to any night market and you will see bins full of CDs, often at prices as low as 10 for $1. A dime is never what it used to be and a dozen is an alien concept. Eggs sell in cartons of ten or less. Or more. But not 12. You can get movies that have not yet come out in American theaters and music CDs by bands that misspell their own names and do not seem to know which songs should be on which albums. I have seen that Tom Cruise movie, “Top Guy”, more times than I can count. Bootleg software is also very popular.

Pi Chi has at least three computers, which is how I am able to make the magic that you are reading at this exact moment in time. None of them have an officially authorized copy of Windows. One of them has a little popup message every time she turns it on that tells her that real Windows is better. Other than that popup her bootleg Windows seems to work just as well. The computer that I am using right now has a bootleg antivirus program that constantly says that the same virus is alive and well. Whenever I tell it to do its job it says it has. The next time I turn the computer on that same virus pops up according to the bootleg software.

My own computer has the latest and greatest of official antivirus software known to humanity. It was not easy to get. One can actually buy legal software around here. It is uncommon, but possible. The hard part was finding what I wanted in English. I would have settled for what I did not want in English. Everything readily available is in Chinese and when I began this quest five or six years ago my Chinese was limited to “how much for special service” and “is there any eel rectum in that”.

I tried to download the official English version of what I wanted but the Internet said no. That could have been because of some virus that was smart enough to keep me from getting what I needed to kill it or it could have been because quite a few websites around here are blocked. I have no idea why an official English antivirus website would be blocked, but poems seldom rhyme in Chinese and reason is subjective.

I just happen to know someone who works for the very same company that makes the antivirus software that I wanted. He said he would send me a copy. A legal copy, I assumed. Unfortunately, he seems to be busier than St Claus on the odd year when the new viagra prescription coincidentally comes in on Christmas day and our frequency of communication trickled down as it often does when people move to the other side of the world. I seem to talk to very few people on that hemisphere these days, and only rarely.

When I went to Korea in the spring or autumn of whatever year that was I thought I might be able to find something in Seoul. After all, Seoul is a hotbed of computer-like activity, as hot beds go. It took some effort but I found something in English in that computer area that you have to walk through that tunnel to get to. You know the one. My concern was that English does not always mean English. It said English in English on the box. I checked for any typos or the obvious mistakes one finds in everything written in English by people who do not know English. It said it was official and had an official seal, but so do many bootlegs. I took a chance and bought it since I never found anything better. When I took it home everything looked English and official. It never worked. I have no idea why. If I used to know then I cannot remember. If it was a bootleg it was the best looking bootleg of anything I have ever seen.

I eventually got my official antivirus software in English from a Best Buy in California. They did not ship it to me. None of those places ship out of the United States. I just happen to know someone who went to California during my antivirus quest and he was as busy as Claus in July when the Mrs is in niddah. It is not who you know but when you know them.

What finally killed my computer was not any virus or battery problem or mouse. My computer actually still works. The problem is that the adapter is dead. If you have been paying attention you know why I cannot use my computer without the adapter. Finding a new adapter has proven impossible* (refer to the opening paragraph). It seems that my adapter was made about ten years ago. They simply do not make them in that size any more. I can get an adapter locally with the correct volts and amps but it will not physically plug into my computer. I can get an adapter to the adapter online, but the two sizes that seem to be available with the correct volts and amps are not the right size for my computer. The person I spoke to who seemed to be the most knowledgeable about these things said that it is generally assumed that nobody has a computer that was made ten years ago. Not in the laptop variety at least.

I can use one of Pi Chi’s largely illegal computers and keep searching in vain for a used 10-year-old adapter or I can get a new computer. The problem with buying a new computer is the same as buying anything else around here. Getting Windows in English legally will be difficult. My Chinese is better than it was six years ago, but if I know anything about computers it is that wacky shit will happen. Sometimes it is hard enough to interpret English messages when it happens. I do not think anyone teaches a course on wacky computer shit Chinese. Pi Chi’s probably illegal computer was nice enough to prove my point and did some wacky shit while I was typing the part about Korea. It did things I have never seen before on any computer in any language and I pushed enough buttons to stop it. I have no idea what happened or how I fixed it. Which only means I have no idea what to do the next time.

Finding Windows in English is only half the battle. Once I did I would have to install it myself. If I let the computer people install it they would do their usual half-assed job. I installed Windows 95 on a computer 100 years ago. It took a very long time. I assume whatever the latest version of Windows is takes longer. Since it is new and improved maybe it is faster. Somehow I doubt it. If installing Windows Today is anything like installing Windows 95 then I know the Chinese computer shop guy will simply click yes to everything or no to everything. Neither is probably in my best interest. There will also be other options that he does not understand and he will just click at random. And the installation will probably be incomplete so I will have constant issues for the life of the computer. Installing it myself is the only option. My complete lack of faith in Chinese professionals is not mere cynicism. It comes from experience.

Another point to consider is that the computers here are crap. Everything is made in China anyway but what they make for the Western market is of much higher quality than what they make for Asia. All the Chinese on the keyboard does not bother me since I never look at teh kyebroad wehjn I tipe anjwey. But the quality bothers me. It is like playing on a Playskool instead of a Steinway. My old powerless Chinese American laptop has a sweet keyboard. The Chinese Chinese keyboard that I am typing on now reminds me of an old 10-key calculator I used when I worked at a bedroom furniture manufacturer in Lynwood. That place was about 30 years behind the times then.

The good news about getting a new computer is the same as it always is when you leave behind a 10-year-old computer. My late computer has a 40GB hard drive, 512MB memory. That was pretty good 10 years ago. Every time I plug anything into a USB port I get a message that says, “This device can perform faster.” Sadly, it cannot. The USB port is 10 years old. When I play CDs on the computer it is not really what you might call CD quality. And DVDs are hilarious. If you like the Keystone Kops.

I was using Word 2000. There was nothing wrong with it, but now that I have seen the newest version, or at least the newest Chinese bootleg version, I am a little perplexed by all the bells and whistles. There are icons that might as well be in Chinese. And more than a few that are.

I have thought about buying a computer online. Buying a computer online seems strange to me. Like renting a car to buy a new car. I have never been much of an online shopper. None of the American manufacturers or retailers that I have looked at ship internationally. Pi Chi and I will be taking a trip soon. I am thinking about getting a new computer then. English Windows might still be a challenge but at least I should be able to find it in a language I am more comfortable with than Chinese. Pi Chi routinely tells me that I should have bought a computer when we were in South Africa last year. I could live with the improper British spelling but my time machine is still in the shop. I am letting Chinese repairmen work on it so it might be a while.

Little House In The Big Woods

I cannot for the life of me remember how many times I have moved. We moved when I was two years old, but I have no memories of that. I have vague memories of the little house I lived in for the first two years of my life, but those could be memories of photographs I have seen of the house. We stayed in the house I remember most from my childhood for a long time. Until we started moving again. This is the house my sisters and I were accused of trying to burn down. We could have for all I know, but they say we did not, and they were always older than I, so I am inclined to take their word for it. There is also a far more likely suspect. When an angry crime has been committed and your main suspects are a four-year-old child and a violent sociopath, you should probably rule out the four-year-old.

This is the house where I never had a bedroom. I slept in a bedroom until I was six years old, but I slept in a sleeping bag inside a closet. This did not seem unusual at the time. And we were not even Irish. It is only when you become an adult that you realize how bizarre childhood is. Not that my siblings had it much better. They slept on beds in bedrooms, but their bedrooms were also the only entrances to other rooms. This was not a house designed for privacy.

One day when I came home there was a fancy new bed in the living room. I was told it was a gift to me from my mother. This was very unusual. The bed stayed in the living room for a long time. At age six I was not the Herculean specimen that I am today. Moving a bed from one room to another was beyond my power. Getting someone else to do it was even less likely. Eventually the bed was moved to the garage. That is where I slept until we moved out of the house. Sleeping in a garage without insulation is not the exciting boy scout adventure it seems. Fortunately, we did not live in Minnesota. The garage was also never cleaned. Ever. Most of what I know about entomology I learned as a child.

This is also the house that had one bathroom for about 50 people. The less said about that the better.

This house had a large front yard, which was the perfect place for children to run around sprinklers. And it was large enough to hold all the bloody bits and pieces of a litter of kittens that had been violently torn apart. The house was on a very wide residential street on which our cats loved to sleep. We found more than a few of them dead as the day they were born. I do not remember a single driver ever stopping after running over our pets. On one occasion I was in the living room eating a bowl of Sugar Smacks when we heard about a dead cat in the street. We went out to take a look and I got a good view of the cat’s brains spread out in a tire pattern. It looked a lot like the Sugar Smacks. The rest of the cat’s body was intact. The car ran over only its head. When I went back in I tried to finish my cereal but was unsuccessful. I have never eaten Sugar Smacks since.

But the best part of this house was the backyard. It was huge. There was a large walnut tree in the middle of the yard that we used more for climbing than picking walnuts. We let most of the walnuts rot on the ground. We were never the smartest people in the world when it came to grocery management. There was also a very large brick barbecue grill near the tree. I only remember it mostly broken apart, but according to old photographs it was once an impressive outdoor kitchen. My friends and I would always try to climb higher up the tree than each other. All of them fell out of that tree at one time or another. I never did. One of them fell on a mangled brick and concrete wall. I do not remember if he broke anything, but his back was badly cut.

I vividly remember the day we moved out of this house. I walked through the rooms when all of our crap was finally removed and thought it strange to see the house I had lived in for almost all of my life completely empty. To this day I have lived in this house longer than any other.

Once the moving began it never really ended. We lived in several houses before I went to high school. We were in one for about seven months. What I remember most about this house was that it had air conditioning. I thought this was the greatest thing in the world. I would not see such an electronic marvel again until my first year at college. The air conditioning came in handy because this was an unusually hot summer. I spent most of the summer drinking a soda called Aspen. It was an apple flavored drink made by Pepsi that boasted the most caffeine and sugar. That might be why they discontinued it. I think Aspen was my gateway drink to Mountain Dew. I loved Aspen until it left me and I lived off Mountain Dew until drinking it interfered with living.

I got my first taste of apartment living just before high school. The building called the unit we were in a townhouse, but it was really a large apartment. The benefit to living in an apartment was that we had access to something I never thought we would ever have; a swimming pool. It was not at all private and at one point the building manager put a fence around it, making it impossible to run around and jump into, but it was still a swimming pool.

When I went to college I lived in at least three or four different apartments. Two of them were in the same building and had not only a swimming pool but also a hot tub. A hot tub is a very good thing to have when you are in college. This and driving a van in high school did more for me with the ladies than my hunger strike physique and sarcastic indifference.

After college I moved pretty much every time I changed jobs. I would usually try to commute only to give up and move. And then repeat the process for the next job. Sometimes I would grace relatives with my delightful presence. If it is any consolation I reaped the karmic rewards when Pi Chi’s sister lived with us for a year.

Eventually I moved to the other side of the world, where everybody walks on their hands and hamburgers eat people. This curtailed my moving habits considerably. I have mostly lived in two cities the entire time I have been here, not counting the first few weeks before I found a job. I stayed in the little farm village for almost three years. That is longer than I lived in most apartments in my own country. From there I lived in Pi Chi’s apartment for about a year. With her younger sister.

The difference between Pi Chi’s sister’s freeloading off Pi Chi and my freeloading off my relatives is that Pi Chi’s sister had a job the entire time she lived with us. She then made and continues to make more money than Pi Chi and I combined. Although that does not say much. She also makes more money than Pi Chi, Pi Chi’s second sister, Pi Chi’s second sister’s husband and I combined. She also drives a very expensive car that she could sell if necessary. But she would never need to because her parents own a relatively new and sufficiently spacious house with enough spare rooms for her and other wayward adult children if the need ever arises. Also unlike me, Pi Chi’s younger sister has a healthy relationship with her parents and has spoken to them in the past ten years.

I moved into Pi Chi’s apartment the day I left my first school. I did not have a job and was in no hurry to find one. After working six days a week I wanted to take some time off. This is not as easy as it seems when you live in a country where your residency is predicated on your employment. I have also noticed that no matter where in the world they are, most women are not thrilled when their man has no job. But when I got back on that horse I found myself working 45 minutes away from Pi Chi’s apartment. A 45 minute commute in the real world is nothing. Around here it is like slowly peeling off a layer of skin from your entire body in one motion while peddling a unicycle with one toe and juggling Fabergé eggs. On a moonless night while wearing sunglasses. During a typhoon. While you have malaria.

In order to take Pi Chi’s car to work I had to wake up at the crack of ungodly early and take her to work. After my work I had to go to her work to take her home. This is logistically very easy, but annoying when you consider that she works days and I work nights. We both had to wake up early and get home late every day. She had to wait around her work for about five hours, which only meant that she would do more work. Off the clock. This kind of thing is not rewarded in her country. It only encourages the people in charge to create more and more work. I had to wake up about ten hours before I had to go to work. If it sounds like slacker whining to complain about waking up early in the morning, try waking up ten hours before you have to go to work every day and see how your day goes.

I tried to find an apartment closer to my work, but Pi Chi and I would have lived apart since there is no way in hell she is ever going to live anywhere near the tiny town where I work. Pi Chi is a bit of a snob and can only live where rich people might conceivably live. Even though she has never been rich. There are no rich people in the town where I work. No rich person could ever live there without losing face. It also might be impossible to find an apartment in that town.

But it was very easy to find an apartment closer to Pi Chi’s work. Her hospital owns two separate apartment complexes right next to the hospital. The older complex is full of older buildings where hospital staff live. We looked at a few apartments there and hated them. Pi Chi hated the fact that none of them would ever impress anyone and I hated the fact that they all sucked like a drunken prom date who is about to vomit.

The second complex is much newer and nicer. And more expensive. It consists of four buildings. One is used as a temporary hotel for relatives of patients. Another is supposedly going to be a hotel. Some day. This country is littered with empty apartment buildings that the owners would rather see empty than rent or sell for a lower price. There are also more than a few buildings that no one seems to know what to do with. So someone comes along with a rumor about what it will eventually become and everyone accepts it as fact. The old condemned telephone company building across the street from Pi Chi’s old apartment is going to be a shopping mall. Some day. That is what they told her when she bought the apartment 15 years ago.

Two of the apartment buildings in the newer hospital apartment building complex are actually used for apartments. I was told they only had three-bedroom apartments so that is what we looked at. The first thing I noticed in all of the apartments was light. Chinese people are deathly afraid of sunlight. They cover themselves like non-French Muslims from head to toe when they go to the beach. They walk with umbrellas on moderately sunny days. And they all cover every inch of their windows. Most of the apartment buildings I have seen here have small windows. I am not even sure why they have them at all since windows are obviously festering portals of evil sunlight. But the newer hospital apartments had large windows. In every room. Sunlight was penetrating those apartments from every direction like a teenager lucky enough to have a drunken prom date who is about to vomit. The first thing Pi Chi said was that we would need to buy curtains. I told her that was simply not going to happen. I found the one building in the country where I do not have to turn on the lights in the daytime. Since it was high enough to be above the surrounding buildings I saw no reason to cover those windows. Unless Superman flies by, no one will ever be able to see in. And Superman almost never comes here.

The newer hospital apartments also had another rarity in these parts. They had real kitchens. Every other apartment I have seen in this country has at best a half-assed kitchen. It is usually a sink and maybe a stove against one of the walls. Even the nicer apartments where the “rich” people live have shitty kitchens. But these were real kitchens. Not only were they separate rooms but they also had more counter space than any kitchen I have ever had in any country. When I saw these kitchens and the windows I knew we were going to live in one of these apartments, regardless of how unlucky the address might be or where the bad spirits are or whether there was good 風水 or not.

By living very close to her hospital, Pi Chi could walk to work and I could take her car without having to wake up at any particular time. We assumed that selling her old apartment would help pay for everything. What we failed to realize is that this country is littered with empty apartment buildings that the owners would rather see empty than rent or sell for a lower price. It is very much a buyer’s market, and none of the buyers are very interested in her apartment. It is not fancy and it is nowhere near anything interesting. Pi Chi hopes it will be worth something when they build that new shopping mall across the street. I think it will be worth something when the sea rises enough to make it beachfront property. Unfortunately, no one around here wants to live near the beach. Too much sunlight.

Now I have moved yet again. It turns out there are one-bedroom apartments in this complex. I could have saved a small fortune if someone had told me that a few years ago. Or at least enough to take a nice vacation. We have decided that it might be a good idea to save money. Try as we might, we cannot get much younger and the older we get the closer we are to the shit hitting the fan. I can only work up to a certain age in this country and old people are treated like lepers here anyway. Poor people are not treated any better in my country. When Pi Chi retires she gets an impressively small check. When I am forced out because old people should be neither seen nor heard I get nothing.

The best way to save money as far as I know is to make more and spend less. Pi Chi will never make more. She is a nurse. They are underpaid everywhere in the world. She is a seasoned veteran in management at her hospital and already making more than they are willing to pay. I can only make more money if I go back to some tiny farm village. There is no way I can do that and live with Pi Chi at the same time. Spending less money is even more difficult. Pi Chi is physically incapable of saving money. She has had the same steady job for over 15 years and I recently saw her bank statement. She had less to show for those 15 years than I make in a single day. And what I make in a day would not impress anyone. I am our only hope of ever saving any money. So you know we are screwed. I only spend money on rent, food and gas. As long as I drive to work I need to buy gas. Food here is very cheap and what I spend each month is less than I would spend in a few days in the real world. Rent is the only thing I can cut back on.

We paid sweaty manual laborers about NT10,000 to haul all of Pi Chi’s crap from her old apartment to the three-bedroom twenty minutes away. That is about 4,000 Mexican pesos. They had to use a large truck with a crane. I drove all of my crap over in her car. In one trip. By comparison, one of the few people who will ever read this blog paid sweaty manual laborers about NT5,000 to haul his crap, his wife’s crap and his young daughter’s crap to a completely different county. If I have told Pi Chi a million times, I have not told her enough, but she has too much crap.

When we moved from the three-bedroom to the one-bedroom Pi Chi found a good deal and only paid the sweaty manual laborers about NT7,000 (3,000 pesos) to move most of her crap to the one-bedroom and some of her crap to the old apartment. Not counting all of the crap I broke my back moving in the week I broke my back moving her crap. We only had a week to move because Pi Chi loves few things more than doing everything at the last minute. We had access to the new apartment for about a month before we started moving and we have had access to her old apartment for years. I could not move anything to the old apartment until the last week because the building decided to change the locks on the elevators and never bothered to give us the new key. This proved to be a more difficult operation than one might assume. I could not move anything to the new apartment until Pi Chi cleaned it which, true to form, she only wanted to do at the last minute. If you have ever lived in rented apartments around here you know that the previous tenant probably trashed the place. I think it is considered unlucky to clean an apartment when you leave. Or at least a dishonor to the spirit voices in your head. I could have simply cleaned the new apartment sooner, you say. You obviously do not know Pi Chi. It is not clean until she says it is clean. Ironically, her standards of clean are much lower than mine. Have nightmares about that if you dare.

So we went from a three-bedroom to a one-bedroom in the same building. Everything is the same style, but smaller. The kitchen is much smaller and not nearly as impressive. All that counter space is gone. The windows are just as big, but now we face another building. So now we have curtains to keep out the evil sunlight. Gone is the extra bathroom. I think one of the reasons Pi Chi and I are still together is that we have never had to share a bathroom. Until now. Time will tell how well that works.

We have lost the spare bedroom. In the three-bedroom apartment we used one bedroom as a bedroom, conventional as we are. Another bedroom was an office of sorts. Meaning it had all of our computers and all of Pi Chi’s research materials. And they needed their own room. I have the same small laptop computer I have had since before I left the real world. Everything about it is out of date, but if I buy a new one here it will have a Chinese keyboard and getting an English version of Windows will be difficult. I have enough experience with local service personnel to know that they will do their usual half-assed job and I will have to waste too much time and energy dealing with the consequences of their lust for apathy. And I know that Windows sucks fat ones, but that is what I still use.

Pi Chi has three or four computers. They all serve a different purpose and some are owned by other people and organizations. Her research sometimes requires her to have multiple computers in multiple locations. It also requires a large collection of medical journals, in many of which she has articles published, most of which I translated, in few of which am I credited. But some of my photographs have been published in said journals. For some reason this is not on my CV. And I am probably not credited with those either.

What was once quietly tucked away in a bedroom is now in what I assume is meant to be a dining area. We rarely dine anyway.

The third bedroom in our three-bedroom apartment was used as a guest bedroom. Almost all of our guests were relatives of Pi Chi. They usually stayed in our apartment because it is very close to her hospital. Whenever anyone Pi Chi knows needs to go to the hospital they go to hers. The great thing about universal healthcare is that it is dirt cheap and nobody goes bankrupt from hospital bills or dies because they cannot afford a procedure. The bad thing about it, at least around here, is that everyone seems to go to the hospital for every little thing. Most of the people in the emergency room at Pi Chi’s hospital are there because of traffic accidents. The second largest population are there for minor headaches and coughs. These people go to the hospital if they sneeze. This makes any hospital visit a lengthy ordeal. Unless you happen to know a head nurse whom the chief of staff has a crush on. More about that later. I go for a state-required physical once a year. Having Pi Chi there cuts my waiting time down drastically.

I say that we moved into the one-bedroom to save money, and that was always my primary motivation, but eliminating the ability of Pi Chi’s family to spend the night was not a completely uninfluential factor. Most of them live within a thirty minute drive anyway. Why do they need to spend the night. Now they can go to the hospital from home like everyone else. Or stay at the hospital’s patient hotel.

But in the rare event that anyone wants to visit me, all is not lost. We no longer have an extra room, but now we have an extra apartment. Since no one showed any interest in buying Pi Chi’s old apartment during the two and a half years it was on the market we have decided to use it as a storage space. Try as she might, and believe me she tried, Pi Chi cannot fit all of her crap into this one-bedroom apartment. If anyone comes from out of town we cannot offer a spare room, but we can offer a spare three-bedroom apartment in a secure building (by local standards) with a fully functional kitchen(like area), air conditioning in most of the rooms (an absolute must), a bed, plenty of couches and chairs, a full dining room set, free parking (a rarity around here), a pool (usually empty), and boxes of crap we could not fit into our apartment. I plan to move more crap in when Pi Chi is not looking. The spare apartment is conveniently situated between two 7-11s. As is every other apartment. And there is a brand new KTV across the street next to the abandoned telephone company bulding. I have no idea if they offer special service but I am sure the drinks are watered down and overpriced. Mountain Dew is available nearby.

So You Think You Can Drive Chinese

One of the first things most foreigners notice when they come here is that pedestrians do not have the right of way. Nobody has the right of way. Right of way is an alien concept. As is stopping at red lights, driving in one lane at a time, parking in only one space at a time, driving on the right side of the road. The list is endless. Every day I see people turn left from the right hand lane, turn right from the left hand lane, make u-turns from any lane in any direction, regardless of light color. People park wherever they want. There are very few real parking spaces in the cities so they will park absolutely anywhere. There are very few sidewalks in this country. Probably because if there were people would park on them.

In order to drive here legally you have to pass a written test and a driving test. The driving test is a joke. It is on a closed track without any obstacles. There are no other cars; no trucks, buses, scooters, bicycles, ox carts, farm vehicles, pedestrians or dogs. There are none of the situations every driver faces on the streets every day. If you can start the engine and not hit the borders of the track, you can pass the test. Licensed drivers never have to demonstrate any knowledge of the road or ability to drive. All you are required to do is drive around the track, back into one parking space, parallel park in a space that is much larger than anything you will find in the real world, and drive backwards on a curved road. The most interesting part is driving backwards on the curve because the written test clearly says that this is illegal. To legally drive in this country you must perform a completely illegal maneuver.

The more you drive around here the more it appears that there are few if any rules and regulations, and even less common sense or courtesy. When you see drivers make recklessly illegal moves in front of police officers who do nothing, it is easy to assume that there are no laws. But the laws exist. They are rarely enforced, and I doubt that most drivers know or care about them, but the written test implies that someone somewhere wrote a few things down.

The written test is more challenging than the driving test because of the creative word usements. All of the following are actual questions taken from the study guide, which are the actual questions on the test. I never bothered to study it, but I read most of the questions because I found them amusing. 

Most of the questions are simple common sense.  

True or false:  
* To use overpasses or under passed would be the last resort.

* If driver deliberately kills or injuries someone, he will punished accordingly.

* Vehicles should not break down for lack of water or oil.

* Speeding is one biggest reasons for accidence.

* It is definitely reduce accidence if everyone follows the traffic rule.

* The drunk driver cause serious hurt or death. Will punished for find, his license will canceled and cannot retake.

* Driving is both physical and mental work. With a regular life, driving safety can be ensured.

* Must not reverse on bends, narrow roads, steep slopes or one way roads.

(And yet you have to on the driving test.)

Multiple choice:
* I am good driver and always obey traffic law, for traffic safety, I hope traffic police will (1)observe and strongly enforcing traffic law(2)no observe nor enforcing(3)observe but not enforcing.

(This reveals a great deal about local law enforcement that such a question is even on the test.)

* When the blood sprays out continuously, that will bleeding of (1)vein(2)capillary(3)artery.

(The answer is obvious, but why is this on a driving test?)

* When the broken bone is out of skin, should (1)push it back to original place(2)stop bleeding first(3)sent injurer to hospital.

(If any of my bones are out of my skin, the last person on Earth I want touching me is some dude who just hopped off his scooter.)


There are the usual questions about being a good citizen.

True or false:  
* I discover from two passenger whispered conversation they are the drug dealers. To help my country, I should take to police stations and not them to escape.

* If driver has no driving moral, it is misfortune for him and others.

* Politeness and forgiveness is best driving behavior.

Multiple choice:  
* If driver wish to uphold national honor, promote social state ability and family happiness, they should (1)have driving morals and obey law(2)have good driving skill(3)not drink or smoking.

* The driver clothes and appearance should (1)have limits(2)clean and dignified(3)not important.


There are also too many questions about weight and height limits for trucks and other things that make more sense on a professional driving test.

True or false:
* If driver finds the infective, mental ill passenger or some carry stinky stuff. He can make excuse and refuse admission to passenger.

* Those with heavy truck driving licenses may a tactor or mini bus.

* Both owner and the driver should responsible for loading goods.

(I assume this is about trucks. Or am I legally obligated to help Pi Chi carry all of her crap out of her car?)

Multiple choice:
* If because of sickness or going abroad, professional driver is unable to his license re-examed on time, he must give proof and have his professional license re-examed within (1)1 months of recovery or returning(2)3 months of recovery or returning(3)6 months of recovery or returning.

* Those who apply for having license to drive container lorry, their past experience should first have drivers license (1)for driving sedan more 1 years or for driving heavy truck more 2 years(2)for driving heavy duty truck more 1 years(3)for driving coach more 1 years or for driving heavy truck more 2 years.

* What is limit truck charring dangerous goods may parked to bridge, tunnel or five? (1)50 meters(2)100 meters(3)200 meters.  

* When have old, difficult moving passengers, should (1)say no to them(2)drive after they sit well(3)double passenger fee.

* When loading dangerous goods, must follow regulations. Or will be find and (1)will marked 2 violation points(2)will marked 1 violation points(3)will not marked any violation point.

(How many people really know?)


There are more than a few questions that have questionable answers.

True or false:
* When wishing overtake, should give two short honks or flashing the lights once, wait for car in front slow down or make hand signal. Only then can overtaking.

* If front car doesn’t reduce speed and drive aside, you should not overtake. If you did, you’ll be find and be marked 1 violation points.

(The answers are true. You can only pass another car when it signals that you can pass. That cannot be right. And if it is then absolutely no one in the entire country ever obeys this law. Including me.)

* Only person involved or legal representative or guardian or heir can mediate the accidence.

(The answer is true. My heirs can mediate the accidence. Apparently.)

* When green light says you can pass, driver should pay attention of cars and pedestrians illegal going through red light.

(False. Drivers should not pay attention to anyone running the red light. This explains why no one ever does.)

* Drivers who injured people because broke the traffic safety rule will their license revoked.

(False. Personal injury is a very low priority.)

* When drive on highway, lane for reducing speed, or single lane highway entrance and exit ramps, cannot overtaking. On acceleration lane, if front car drives slowly and blocks traffic, can overtaking.

(False. You can pass someone on a single-lane on-ramp and cannot pass a car that is going slow. I think maybe it should be the other way around.)

* When you driving with tired body, will easily cause accidence.

(False. Tired bodies never cause accidence.)

Multiple choice:
* If driver hit working police officer while drive, his driving license will invalidated and (1)cannot take road test in next year(2)cannot take road test in next 3 year and a find NT30,000-60,000(3)can never take road test.

* Driver who kill people because broke traffic safety will (1)have license canceled and may not retake test for 5 year(2)have license canceled and may not retake test for 3 year(3)have license canceled and must wait year before retake.  

(The answers are (2) and (3). If you hit a cop under any circumstance you lose your license for three years and pay a large find. If you kill a civilian while driving illegally you only lose your license for one year and need not worry about paying any pesky finds.)

* Which following illicit behaviors can it are directly reporting police? (1)Unlicensed driving(2)Drunk driving(3)Illegal park without driver attendance.

(You might think the answer is (2). That is the most illegal. But the correct answer is (3).)

* When car is sliding and out of control, you should (1)brake right away and turn opposite direction(2)brake right away and no turn(3)no turn wheel instead, follow the direction of sliding.  

(All of these options are stupid and would likely bring pain. The correct answer is (1), which would cause your car to spin uncontrollably.)


And some of the questions I had to read several times before I had any idea what they were talking about.

Multiple choice:
* The two directors on highway dividing by (1)same markings as normal roads(2)absolutely dividing method in order have two unilateral director road(3)color of lights.

* If driver not follow police officer persuasion when commit illegal parking or over speed police (1)can inform driver again(2)cannot inform again(3)can detain driver and car.

* When have serious accidence with you car should (1)have regular check after repaire car(2)have temporary check after repaire car(3)to apply for number plate check after repaire car.

* If vehicle not equipped with tachygriph owner will find (1)$12,000 to 24,000(2)$15,000 to 60,000(3)$ 9,000 to 12,000.

* The car accidence happened inner lane because passer-by or other slow driving car doesn’t follow rule and cause the hurt or death, driver who driving inner lane and follow regulation will punishment is (1)original sentance(2)mitigating the punishment(3)comulating the punishment.

* Driver should taking roadway safety lecture if following illegal behavior is happened (1)Run acrossing railway(2)Cause accidence illegally with license detained(3)Above mentioning correct.

* People should taking roadway safety lecture if following illegal behavior is happened (1)Driver’s left child who under 6 years older or is needing the special care of car alone(2)Legal agent or guardian allow teenager who under 18 years age of unlicensed driving, racing or dangerous-drivering(3)Above mentioning correct.

* If car driver is found that snake on road will punished (1)find, number plate will detained 3 months(2)find, roadway safety lecture(3)find, roadway safety lecture, number plate will detained 3 months.

(I still have no idea what the hell this means. Is the snake punished? Some of my students often write snake when they mean snack, but changing those words does not help.)

* What is main reason to cause the accident while turn left? (1)Driver ignores(2)Dead space(3)Inner wheel turning distance.

* The identification of the “Visional Tunnel Effect” is driver has the visional mistake of bright front side but dark side in surrounding of drunk-driving. Therefore, what will driver visional became if driver is drunk-driving? (1)No visional change(2)Visional becomes hard(3)Visional becomes soft.

* If notice somebody take animals go through road, should (1)horn them and make aware of surround(2)increase the speed and go through road before they(3)reduce the speed and wait for going through.

(People taking animals go through road is not at all rare around here so the question deserves a space on the test, but as usual the answer has nothing to do with how people actually drive.)


Most of the things I see drivers do every day are illegal according to the test.

Multiple choice:
* Slower cars should drive in (1)inside lane(2)outside lane(3)slow lane.  

(Slow cars, trucks, buses use every lane. In South Africa, I was impressed by trucks going out of their way to move aside so cars could pass, even on narrow roads. Here, trucks and buses go out of their way to jump in front of faster cars and drive next to other trucks so that no one can get by.)

* When you driving (1) may use handy phone to dial or answer(2)may not use handy phone to dial or answer(3)may use handy phone to dial or answer if traffic condition is find.

(People use handy phone while driving all the time. Handy phones are an extension of self around here. I have 10-year-old students with handy phones. I never had a handy phone when I was 10. When Pi Chi drives while screaming into her phone I point out that it is illegal. I might as well tell her to drive in only one lane.)

True or false:
* On hearing ambulance, fire engine, police car or rescue vehicle, no matter which direction is coming from, should give way and must not following quickly.

* On a two-lane road, when entering a lane, right of way should be given to vehicles already on lane.

* At intersection where are lanes specified for right or left turn, vehicles which go straight may not use these lanes.

* At intersection with no lights or policeman and both road are main road, cars on left should give way to cars on right.  

* On two-lane road, when vehicle wishes turn left, he should use indicate 30 meters from intersection. When reaching center of intersections, turn left. Not use oncoming lane left turn lane.

* When pedestrians crossing ahead, you should slow down.

* Where there are signs prohibiting U turns, overtaking or changing lane, car must not make U turns.

* Do not park at station, airport, quay, school or hospital entrances.

* On same lane, if front car want reduce speed and stop, he should warn following car by signaling in advance.

* Do not park where you will clearly obstructing other vehicles.

* In normal weather condition, driver should obey marked speed limit rules.

* Vehicle on highway must not race at high speed or drive slowly side by side.

* When driving on highway, should pay greater attention to movement of other vehicles on both side.

* When changing lane, use indicator lights to give vehicle behind advance warning. You must also pay attention to movement of vehicles around you. 

* Before enter lane or change the lane, should use turn signals and check lane next you.

All of these are true. Foreigners who drive here might be surprised to see that these things are indeed illegal. And yet I see the locals break every single one of these rules every day. I live next to a hospital so I have a good deal of experience with ambulances. I am the only one who ever lets them pass. And usually when I do, several cars recklessly jump in front of me. Yielding to emergency vehicles, pedestrians, cars that clearly have the right of way or anybody is just crazy talk. I can only assume that to yield is to show weakness before the enemy. And that is what every other driver seems to be.

And the questions about paying attention are laughable. Paying attention is simply not a Chinese character trait. Drivers are rarely aware of anything that is not within 5 feet in front of them. Pedestrians routinely slam into each other, and they travel at much lower speeds. I have often said that you could walk down the street wielding a chainsaw and people would still walk right into you. And everybody seems to walk the way they drive. That is not a good thing in a place so crowded.  

True or false:
* When see vehicle nearby is indicate and preparing to change lane, you should increasing speed to avoid being overtake.

(The best way to get a slow car to speed up is to make him think you want to change lanes. Drivers react as if their family will suffer horrible dishonor if anyone passes them. Even if they are driving 5km/h. Especially if they are driving 5km/h.)

* When drive at night and car from opposite direction use upper beam, you should use upper beam as revenge.

(From what I have seen, the high beam is used solely for revenge.)

* If see the elder, children or handicapped people walk slowly on pedestrian cross, you should sound the horn.

(Not only will most drivers honk at old people and children, but they will usually come as close to hitting them as possible. Except when they actually hit them. I do not understand why handicapped people are included. The handicapped are rarely seen in public.)

* When see red light, you can still turn left if traffic not busy.

(Everyone turns left at red lights. I used to think it was legal since it is so common. But there is no such thing as traffic not being busy.)

* You may throw anything you like while driving on freeway.

(Throwing trash out of moving cars is an art form around here. I have seen people throw kitchen-sized garbage bags out of their windows. I saw a scooter driver throw his drink cup straight up into the air while he was driving. It nearly landed on another moving scooter.)

* A driver doesn’t have care about traffic rules.

(From what I have seen no one cares at all about any traffic rules.)


It is easy to pass the test without knowing about most of these rules. I passed without understanding much of the test. Once you have a license you never have to take the test again and since the laws are rarely enforced there is little reason to obey them. “Monkey see, monkey do” should be the official motto. When newer generations constantly see anarchy, they will follow along.

I drove in this country illegally for years. I can appreciate the irony of complaining that no one obeys any of the laws that are never enforced. But I am probably the safest driver in the entire country. I stop at red lights. I drive on the right side of the road. I have never driven into oncoming traffic. I have never driven backwards on the freeway. I look before I leap. I yield to everyone and everything. I have never hit any other cars. Every day someone comes within inches of hitting me. Usually because they are unaware that other people exist and they do whatever the hell they want. I have never been in any accidents in this country when I was the driver. Every year thousands of people die at Pi Chi’s hospital because of traffic accidents. I have seen enough to assume that they died because they or the car that hit them did something really stupid.

These are not inherently stupid people. They invented fireworks and pasta. Some of them can be very nice in person, if you ignore the racism. This is not meant to be a backhanded compliment. I often like living here, despite the tone of everything I have just written. There are advantages to my current lifestyle that might be difficult to find elsewhere. And I have no genuine dislike of Chinese people. Most of the people I know are Chinese. The best relationship I have ever had is with a Chinese woman. And not for the reasons most people in “the West” assume. She is demanding, contrarian, selfish, aging me prematurely, and one of the nicest people I have ever met.

But even nice Chinese people become raging assholes behind the wheel. It is not road rage. It is more like road superiority. Chinese people are without a doubt the most selfish drivers I have ever seen anywhere in the known universe. And probably in the rest of the universe as well. Every single one of them seems to have a sense of entitlement as if wherever they are going and whatever they are doing is infinitely more important than everyone else. This selfishness kills people.  

I am an outsider here. If I live here the rest of my life I will still be a visitor. Children on the street will still point at me and say, “美國人”. When you are a visitor in a strange land you should accept the cultural differences and never expect them to adapt to you. I never complain anymore when people eat with their mouths wide open, proudly release gas from every orifice or scream at the top of their lungs into their cell phones. That is simply their way. But I will always complain when they drive as though they are invincible and no one else exists.  

Several years ago one of my students was hit by a car. She was always the sweetest little girl and too smart for her age. I called her 小 Amy because there were originally two Amys in her class and she was easily the shorter of the two. Whenever I called her 小 Amy she would smile, even if I was calling her to write something on the board.

She was out of school for months after the car hit her. When she eventually came back she used crutches, then walked with a limp. I never saw her happy after she came back. Her test scores went down the toilet. On my last day at the school I gave her an American dime because I had given a girl named Penny a penny and I wanted to give Amy something. Before the accident she would have been overjoyed to see the dime because it was something new and different. When I gave it to her she just stared at it blankly. I have not seen her in years but every time I think about her it still pisses me off. I can only imagine the suffering she went through, and I saw how it clearly changed her. And all because some asshole was driving the way the Chinese drive every day. 

Licensed To Kill

I started driving when I was 15. I started driving legally at 16. About a year before I left my home country, my driver’s license expired. I renewed it as was the fashion of the day. But the DMV would not give me a new license because I was trying to get a commercial license at the time. Why I was trying to get a commercial license remains a mystery to this day. I am simply not the type and would have never fit in with any of my colleagues had I gotten such a job. But I passed the written test and had passenger and air brake endorsements. All I needed was to take the actual driving test, which required driving an actual commercial vehicle. Since the commercial license was still pending, they would not give me a new regular license. The thinking being that the commercial license outranks the regular license so who needs both and why should the DMV spend the money. Even though I was the one paying for them. Instead, I got a little piece of paper that told any interested law enforcement types that my license was indeed current. This paper was only valid for 30 days so I had the pleasure of going to the DMV every 30 days to get another little piece of paper.

Then I left the country and stopped getting the little pieces of paper. But I took my expired but not really expired license with me.

You can get an international license around here if you have a valid license from wherever you are from. When I started driving Boss Lady’s car during my first year, she suggested I might want to get one. My problem was that my valid license said that it expired and it seemed unlikely that any Chinese bureaucrat would believe my story. Especially in English.

An international license is only valid for the first 30 days or six months or year that foreigners are here. Which time limit depends on where you get your information. Foreigners who have been here beyond that time are expected to get a local license and anyone who drives with an international license is actually driving illegally. I eventually reached all of those stages without getting an international license. Getting a local license proved to be difficult since the nearest government office was a good hour drive away and only open on weekdays. I worked every weekday and could not possibly get there and back in the time allotted. Boss Lady also did not want me to drive her car there since I would be driving illegally to the office where people become legal drivers. That may seem reasonable, but she had no qualms about letting me drive her car illegally just about anywhere else.

Eventually I came across the local police while I was driving illegally and discovered that it was much easier to be a foreign driver than to have all the right paperwork anyway. I soon lost interest and no one noticed or cared.

When I moved in with Pi Chi, I started driving her car, but we never really talked about how illegal that is. I try to let her do most of the driving anyway.

Then I got a job that is about 45 minutes from home. Driving proved to be the only way to get there. So I did. At that point I had driven several different vehicle types all over the place without incident and never really thought much about it. When you are surrounded by fatally reckless drivers who would willingly drive over their own grandmothers to get home five seconds sooner, not having a little card seems trivial.  

But then I might have up and got me a stalker. The details about that are still a little hazy and I have yet to decide how to approach the subject in writing. I am sure I will type up something sooner or later. But it quickly became obvious that I should have a driver’s license. Experience has made me impressively skilled at avoiding the endless obstacles on the roads, and if I were a lesser driver I would have been hit by countless people by now. But even the best driver in the world can do little if someone is deliberately trying to damage their car. The local rule is that any unlicensed driver is at fault in any accident regardless of who actually hit whom. According to Pi Chi. So if someone went out of their way to try to hit me and I could not avoid it, I would have to pay heavy fines, I would have to pay what is really just extortion money to the person who hit me, and Pi Chi’s license would be suspended for allowing an unlicensed driver to drive her car.

So I asked the Internet how one goes about getting such a thing around here. The Internet was as useful as a jar of tomatoes on a cactus farm. It lied to me. As it so often has.

With time and the great patience for which I have always been known, I found that the process is simple, if not complicated.

Step 1: Travel to the only city where the tests can be taken in English. This would likely require spending the night since government offices are usually open in the morning and the train never leaves early enough to get there on time. I was confident that I could take the driving test in Chinese but thought that taking the written test in Chinese would be stupid.

Step 2: Fill out a form. This is in Chinese, but that does not bother me since most of the forms I fill out are in Chinese.

Step 2a: Get the form stamped by the appropriate people. An unstamped form is like Wyoming. Pretty to look at but functionally useless.

Step 3: Get a medical test. I get tested medically every year so I already knew how half-assed it would be. This particular medical test is to see if you can stand without falling over and have all of your given extremities. There is also a vision test that has nothing to do with driving.

Step 3a: Get the medical test papers stamped. See above.

Step 4: Give the properly stamped form and medical test, expired foreign driver’s license, passport, resident ID card, two visa-sized photos and cash to the woman at the counter. It is always a woman.

Step 4a: Make sure she stamps the form and medical test. 

Step 5: Take the written test. In “English”.

Step 6: If you pass the written test, make sure the guy stamps the form, and come back in three months to take the driving test. If you fail the written test, you can come back in seven days and take it again.

Step 7: Take the driving test. Make sure that guy stamps the form, and take all of the paperwork to the woman at the window and make sure she stamps all of the forms. If you fail the driving test, you can come back in seven days and take it again.

Step 8: Be sure to renew your license before it expires or you will have to go through the entire process again.

I tried to make an appointment but found that appointments are not necessary. Except for everything beyond taking the written test. I was ready to pack my bags and get it done when Pi Chi told me that I could take the English version very close to home. I found this hard to believe since everything on the Internet told me otherwise. But I did it her way just to humor her, fully expecting to do it my way later.

She took the day off and drove me to the government office. This was unusual and I still do not know why she did. Perhaps like Boss Lady she did not want me to be seen driving her car. What was not unusual was that we arrived much later than we should have because of a communication issue. The test can only be taken at a certain time and it was fast approaching. She had been told that I could take the medical test at the same office. This was false. We had to drive to the nearest authorized clinic when I was sure we would not have enough time to get all the stamps. The clinic was a typically filthy little building where I would not be caught dead with any medical needs. But they were qualified to see if I had all of my arms and legs. Then there was the vision test.

I do not have what one might call great eyesight. I come from a family of relatively blind people. But I did not get my first glasses until I was 24 years old. I still have them. My eyes are weaker than they were when I was 24, but I only wear glasses to drive and watch movies. I never wear them around the house. I cannot wear them at the computer. I wear them during vision tests. I need them to read the Snellen chart.

But I live in a country where 95% of everybody wears corrective lenses. And there is no alphabet. They use different tests and there does not seem to be any standardization. The test in question was unusual in that it would have been better without glasses. There was a point where my score was a judgement call and the woman behind the counter went ahead and scored it in my favor. Chinese people will often cheat on meaningless things, like tests to determine if a person is too blind to operate potentially fatal machinery. 

Stamped medical report in hand, we rushed back to the government office just in time to get it stamped and go to the testing room. I was still unconvinced that it would be in English. Especially since this was a small office and there are not many foreigners in the neighborhood.

The test was in English, more or less. Mostly less. I passed. I had to read some of the questions repeatedly. I guessed at about a quarter of them. I have since read the questions and answers and still do not understand some of them. It is not that the questions are difficult. It is that they were obviously translated by someone who does not understand basic rules of English grammar and spelling. Fortunately, I live and work with such people and no longer look twice at sentences without pronouns, articles, conjunctions, verbs or nouns.

After lunch we were supposed to come back for the driving test. The Internet repeatedly told me that there was a three month wait between tests, ostensibly to learn how to drive. There is even a flow chart in the government office with the same information. But both tests can be taken on the same day. What was even better was that once all the paperwork had all the correct stamps, we went to the woman behind the counter and she printed up my license right then and there. She glued one of my visa photos to a piece of paper and laminated everything. It is unimpressive and expires in three months, but at least now when I am inevitably hit by another car it will not be my fault. Assuming the police listen to my side of the story rather than just go with whatever one of their own kind says.

My license expires in three months because it is only good as long as I have a resident card. Even though I took all the same tests and have all the same stamps on the same forms as the locals, licenses held by foreigners are only valid while their resident cards are valid. Those are generally only valid for one year. So we have to renew our driver’s license every year while the locals have to renew theirs every six years. Even though my resident card actually expires in four months, it expires in three since that is when my passport expires. The resident card is only good as long as I have a passport. So when I get my new passport I will have to get a new resident card and then I can renew my new driver’s license. But since my resident card will expire one month after I get it, so will my license. In 2010 I will have to pay for three resident cards and three licenses. Yet the one passport costs more than everything else combined.

Ye Olde Tyme Tokyo

When I booked our hotel I was a little concerned by how cheap it was. Especially being so close to a major attraction like the Imperial Palace. It was actually very nice. The rooms are small, but so is every hotel room in Japan. It was on a small residential street, directly across from a subway line. It was nowhere near all the pop and parties, but we liked the neighborhood.

The day was half over by the time we checked into the hotel. I had a list of things I wanted to see and I knew we would be wasting an entire day at DisneySea. Pi Chi was recovering from the flu, so she was not as hungry as usual. This gave us much more time. She also must have been a little delirious because she readily agreed to go wherever I wanted to go. I told her there would be shopping, which there was, but I had an ulterior motive. I knew there was also a Krispy Kreme.

The Krispy Kreme in question is very hard to find when you have no idea where it is, but very easy to get to once you know. I knew it was near a station but that was all, and none of the subway maps happened to mention Krispy Kreme. That may seem obvious, but sometimes they mention 7-11 or McDonalds, so it is worth a try. There was also heavy construction between the station and Krispy Kreme, which did not help.

When Pi Chi found out we were looking for donuts, she was less than excited. We walked around the very large subway station and through at least two shopping areas. Pi Chi gets a little grumpy when she has not eaten in several minutes, even if she has the flu, and she does not especially care for donuts. She repeatedly wanted to give up, but I was persistent. She had never had a Krispy Kreme before so I could forgive her lack of enthusiasm.

We eventually went over a bridge and I saw the green and white sign in the distance. It turned out to be rather close to the exit where we originally left the station. Had we simply turned right instead of left we would have found it much earlier. Such is life.

The “hot now” sign was on, so Pi Chi’s first ever Krispy Kreme was less than a minute old. She was unimpressed. I thought about how I should pack my things when I move out. But it must have been the flu because we went to that and another Krispy Kreme a few times on this trip and she ate almost as many as I did. And I found the other Krispy Kreme by accident.

How dough becomes ambrosia

Pi Chi wanted to eat department store basement food for dinner after we left DisneySea, so we went to the Ginza. It is easy to get to by train from the Disney area, and there are more than enough department stores to satisfy Pi Chi. Interestingly enough, everything was closed. Even the seizure lights were off. We left DisneySea a few hours before closing time because it sucked so much, so we assumed finding dinner would be easy. The Ginza is arguably the most popular shopping area of Tokyo. But it either closes at 8pm on Sundays or it was some special holiday we knew nothing about.*

Pi Chi wanted to give up and go back to the hotel. Ordinarily, she would never give up on finding her dinner, but that flu was still lingering. I knew of a restaurant near another subway stop, but it could have just as easily been closed as well. I thought it was worth a try, and I was still confident from my Krispy Kreme triumph. We never found the restaurant, but we found a Shakey’s Pizza. They are almost completely gone in California, but apparently there are quite a few in Japan, and more in the Philippines than anywhere else in the world. This particular Shakey’s was very open. It looked and sounded like a Shakey’s, although with Japanese signs. They had the Dixieland music and lunch buffet. They even had mojos. The most amazing part was that the pizza tasted like a genuine Shakey’s pizza. In my experience it is unusual when somebody opens an American restaurant and the food actually tastes American. But Tokyo Shakey’s has that distinctive Shakey’s sauce and crust. They also have toppings like squid and chocolate and marshmallows, but I generally stick to mushrooms and olives anyway.

It may seem strange to travel to a place like Japan and seek out Shakey’s and Krispy Kreme, but I live in Asia. I eat Asian food all the time. Japanese food is not at all hard to find at home. You can even get bad Japanese food at any 7-11 if you are so inclined. But prior to this trip, Seoul was the only place on the continent I knew to find Krispy Kreme. There is a reason everyone says they are the best donuts in the world. And I grew up on Shakey’s pizza. For me, eating a Shakey’s pizza is probably what it is like for other people to eat their mother’s cooking. I may never be quoted by the tourist bureau, but those pizzas were the highlight of my trip.

Westernland
The Frontierland of Tokyo Disneyland

You may think that we went to the Imperial Palace as soon as we got DisneySea out of the way. You would be mistaken. The next day we went to Disneyland. Nobody knows why. But it was nice to see a real Disney park after that travesty of an imposter. Walking down Tokyo Disneyland’s World Bazaar is just like walking down any other Disneyland’s Main Street. Except the name is different. And it looks different. But there are still millions of Japanese people running around.

I think I already described Tokyo Disneyland, but this trip was different. The park was relatively empty the first time we went. Not Hong Kong empty, but California empty. This time there were a few more people. The ride lines were almost as long as the popcorn lines. If you know anything about the Japanese you know how long they are willing to wait in line for popcorn. The wait for any food was ridiculous. Fortunately, we thought ahead and brought our own. We ate our leftover pizza and department store food next to the vending machine at Space Mountain. This is notable not only because there is only one vending machine in the entire park (in a city that elevates vending machines to an art form), but also because sitting on a concrete bench near the vending machine next to Space Mountain and eating leftover pizza and department store food (and probably a few donuts) was worlds better than that lunch we had the day before sitting in real chairs at a real table in a fake Italian restaurant.

Outside of Hong Kong and Paris, you are going to get crowds when you go to any Disney park. But Tokyo Disneyland on this day was completely absurd. We had been there before and it was reasonable. On this day you could not see the ground. I went to California Disneyland on a Christmas Eve or possibly Christmas Day when I was in high school and the park was so crowded that we spent some of our time in a walk-in phone booth just to get away from the people. That was empty compared to Tokyo. I understand that the purpose of the park is to make money and the more people you let in, the more money you make. But eventually there is a satiation point. If the park is too crowded, the people in it do not enjoy their experience. If they do not enjoy it they are less likely to return. This is an aspect of business strategy that many Asians simply do not understand. Customer satisfaction is meaningless to people who are only looking at how much money they can make today. Repeat customers are not something you worry about when you do business in a very crowded marketplace. Tokyo Disneyland has lost two potential customers because of their greed. Pi Chi and I shall not return.

There is still plenty of room to cram in more people

When we finally spent an actual day in the actual city of Tokyo, Pi Chi wanted to go shopping. I wanted to go to one of the skyscrapers and see the city. I like to find the tallest building in whatever city I am in and look around. Pi Chi likes to go shopping. I like to go to thousand year old temples and cathedrals. Pi Chi likes to go shopping. I like to walk through city parks and see the juxtaposition of trees and grass against tall buildings in the background. Pi Chi likes to go shopping. If I am somewhere that has a river cruise, I want to take it. If she is somewhere that has shopping, she wants to go shopping.

When Pi Chi and I travel together there is a constant struggle between what I want to do (culture, history, get some sense of what the place is about) and what Pi Chi wants to do (shopping). In this case she agreed we should go up the building first and go shopping later after I convinced her that the shopping is open all night (except Sundays) and the view from the building is very different in daylight. There was a threat of rain the entire time we were in Tokyo and it was mostly cloudy. But it was relatively clear at this point so I decided we should go to the tallest building, which also happens to have a free observation deck. Free is a good thing in Tokyo.

It is rare that I get to do what I want to do when Pi Chi wants to do what she wants to do. What really does not help matters is when she agrees to do what I want to do and it turns out to be the weakest observation deck I have ever seen. It was all indoors, which is bad enough, but the glare on the windows from what little sunlight there was made it difficult to see much of anything. It was not the most exciting area of Tokyo anyway. The harbor was covered by other buildings and Mt Fuji was lost in the haze. Pi Chi spent more time in the tiny gift shop than I spent looking out the window.

Diligent readers may have noticed that I might complain about Pi Chi’s shopping. I do that more to her than I do to you. Believe me. But this shopping excursion brought us to Shibuya, which we had never been to before. If you know anything about Tokyo, you know how strange it is that a shopper like Pi Chi had never been to Shibuya. The lights of the Ginza will give you seizures at night, but Shibuya is shopper’s paradise. It has the overpriced department stores that Pi Chi prefers and the cheap little shops that I prefer. And it has food. All kinds of food. Everything from Pi Chi’s department store basement food to my pizza and donuts. And plenty of Asian food, but we pay less attention to that.

We eventually saw a temple and more than enough shopping. We saved the Imperial Palace for the last day because of lack of time and the constant threat of rain. The last day was the sunniest and our flight home did not leave until evening. Our hotel was right around the corner and it was an easy walk. The nearest gate into the park to our hotel was closed, so we walked around to the main gate. It was also closed. I knew a reservation was needed to get into the inner grounds, but most of the park is usually open to visitors. This day it was not. So I have still never seen the Imperial Palace. And I think I know why our hotel was so cheap.

We knew that we needed two tickets to take the express train back to the airport, but I still have no idea how to do that with the ticket machine. There is an English option, but it has far fewer choices than the Japanese. The woman who operated the machine that got our tickets pushed many buttons from many screens that simply did not exist in the English version. I have bought many train tickets from many machines in many languages. This was not my first pony ride. I have read several times how difficult Tokyo’s subway system is. I find it very simple. It is no more difficult than New York’s or Seoul’s. It is simply in a different language. But I have no clue how to get a train ticket to Narita without dealing with a person.

Our return flight arrived too late to take the train home. It was delayed because the plane was falling apart. There were problems with the radio and electricity that kept us on the runway longer than is generally comfortable, and later at 30,000 feet the window at my seat leaked water from outside. I think that might be bad. So we spent the night at another airport hotel before taking the train home the next morning. And I had to work that day. Pi Chi wisely took the day off.

In the end, our travel voucher for a free plane ticket cost us one round trip plane ticket, three hotel rooms in two countries, eight train tickets and several taxi rides getting from one to the other. This is why I do not do coupons.


*[Update: It was some special holiday we knew nothing about.]

A wedding procession at Meiji Jingu in Shibuya

One If By Land, Two If By Sea

Tokyo is about a million years old with more culture than anyone can stand. The history alone is enough to drive one to seppuku. There is so much to see and do in Tokyo that you need at least 10 years to see it all. So on our first trip Pi Chi and I stayed for a few days. And what is the first thing we saw? The Imperial Palace? Meiji Jingu? Shinjuku Gyoen? Nicholai-do? Mt Fuji?

We went to Disneyland.

To make up for this cultural oversight, I booked a hotel near the Imperial Palace for our second trip to Tokyo. On our first full day in the city we went to DisneySea.

While at Disneyland during our first trip we discovered that next door is DisneySea, a water-themed Disney park. Most of the world’s Disneylands are essentially the same. DisneySea is completely different. We decided that if we ever went back to Tokyo we would give the sea park a try.

Through accident and coincidence, I have been to every Disney park in the world. This was never a goal and I have little respect for the Disney empire. They made Kurt Russell a star. Need I say more.

My favorite parks are the original Disneyland in California (probably because I have been there the most) and Disneyland Paris (probably because all the Mickey Mouse spiel sounds somehow sophisticated in French). My least favorite before this trip was Hong Kong Disneyland. It is too small and does not have many of the best rides. They only recently built a small world. There is more than enough space to make a California sized park, but they have yet to use it.

Now I can say that DisneySea is easily the worst. It may not be a Disneyland, but it is part of the rat’s empire and they want you to think it is a different version of a Disney park. Overall, it blows. Even Pi Chi was unimpressed and she is the kind of person who is easily impressed by short people in animal costumes. But DisneySea does not even have any of the familiar characters running around. The A-lister while we were there was some dog named Duffy. I still have no idea who that is.

Mediterranean Harbor

DisneySea is divided into sections just like Disneyland, but the names are all water based. Main Street is Mediterranean Harbor, which looks like a hotel in Las Vegas and is the most like Disneyland. Like Main Street, it is essentially shops and food. It is also one of the docks for the boat that goes around the entire park with docks in each section. This was far and away the best ride at DisneySea.

American Waterfront 

To the left is the American Waterfront. Part of it is supposed to be New York Harbor at the turn of the 20th Century. Except that it is clean and full of Japanese people. The only rides are a train that goes from one section to the next and a free-fall ride in a faux Gothic building that is supposed to look like it is falling apart and has nothing to do with 1900’s New York. There is also a full-sized reproduction of an old ocean liner that holds more shops and restaurants. On the border of the American Waterfront is a tiny Cape Cod that looks nothing like Cape Cod (especially with the volcano) and only has shops and food. Most of the people there were in line for popcorn.

Port Discovery

Beyond the American Waterfront is Port Discovery, their Tomorrowland. But the vision of tomorrow looks like something out of a Kevin Costner movie. I would not be surprised if the people who designed it also worked on “Waterworld”, or at least watched it more than once. The moral question being whether it is worse to have been paid to make “Waterworld” or repeatedly paid to see it. Port Discovery has all of two rides and is one of the two places to get on the train that goes to and from the American Waterfront. One of the rides looks like tiny helicopters without rotors that ride along a water track and spin around in circles for about a minute. This ride is probably best for children or people who smoke questionable herbs that should not be smuggled into Japan. You can ask Paul McCartney about that.

To the right of Port Discovery is the Lost River Delta. This has the Indiana Jones ride, the only Disney-familiar ride, and seems to be based around it. There is also something that might be a roller coaster, but we did not go on it because the line was ridiculous. This section looks like Adventureland, but there is no Jungle Cruise or any of that tiki crap because they are at Disneyland across the street.

Arabian Coast

On the far right of the park is the Arabian Coast. When I first heard about DisneySea, this was the place I wanted to see the most. It seemed like it might be the most interesting. It was not. The two rides are the carousel, which is sufficient as carousels go, and a small worldesque ride about Sinbad. Only it did not seem like a Disney version of it’s a small world. It was like some cheap state fair version. While on this ride I imagined how much Walt Disney would vomit in disgust. In case you were wondering, imagining Walt Disney vomiting violently while on a cheap theme ride is not the best of combinations for such a sensitive soul as myself.

Mysterious Island

In the middle of the park is Mysterious Island, centered around a large volcano. This is the castle. The entire section has a Jules Verne theme, but both rides had a waiting time of at least two hours and the only restaurant served Asian food. The uniformed person at the end of one of the lines said that the waiting time was 2000 minutes. I decided that this was not true.

While I was explaining to Pi Chi who Jules Verne was and giving a painfully brief synopsis of the two books represented (Journey To The Centre Of The Earth and Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea), we discussed the differences in our native educational systems. Children in my country were always encouraged to read books, and most people probably know who Jules Verne was even if they have never read any of his work. In her country they did not and do not. I probably read more books in high school than she has read in her entire life, and I was a lazy reader. Ask Mrs Orsinger.

DisneySea is nothing if not educational.

Next to Mysterious Island is Mermaid Lagoon, the Fantasyland. This had all the children’s rides based on jellyfish and koi. There was an indoor Toontown type area that was interesting. Mostly because it was indoors and heated. We went on what turned out to be one of the coldest days of the month and as a sea park, almost everything is outdoors. The park’s location in Tokyo Harbor is a great way to get free water, but not so great when spring takes its sweet ass time coming.

We had lunch at an “Italian” restaurant in Mediterranean Harbor. Since this was a Disney park, I was not expecting much, but Pi Chi was disappointed that we waited an hour in line for undercooked Disney food. One of my main complaints about Disney food has always been that it is much more expensive than food outside the park. The great thing about Tokyo’s expensive food is that their Disney food prices seem reasonable.

Pi Chi and I both found DisneySea lacking. Most sections were little more than shops with a few restaurants here and there. They also had various shows in various sections, but they were all in Japanese, and I do not even want to watch them in English. The novelty of some dude in a plushie costume screaming in Japanese wears off quickly.

There were plenty of popcorn carts with extremely long lines, usually longer than the lines for rides. But we were unimpressed. Each section had about two rides and none were any good. The boat that goes around the park was the best only because it lasted longer than 30 seconds and it is the only way to really see anything. There is no monorail at any of the Asian Disney parks, probably because the locals ride similar trains to work every day and may not be as excited about the concept of mass transit as Americans.

When I first heard about DisneySea, I thought it was a good idea. The problem is that it does not feel like a Disney park. As soon as you walk into any Disneyland you know you are at Disneyland, whether the Haunted Mansion is in New Orleans or Fantasyland. Even the lesser Hong Kong Disneyland has that Disney feel if you give it a chance. DisneySea feels like a Las Vegas impersonation. And not a good one like Steve Lawrence or Scatman Crothers. DisneySea is like a Charo impersonator.

Waiting in line for popcorn at Old Cape Cod

Goin’ Tokyo

When Pi Chi went to Minnesota, her flight home was overbooked and the airline asked her to take the next day’s flight. This happened to us in Amsterdam, and KLM gave us a nice wad of cash and a room close enough to the city for me to show Pi Chi one or two of the sights in the very limited time we had. This was a good experience for her so she did not hesitate when Northwest asked her to spend an extra night in Minneapolis. The airline booked her a small room at an airport hotel and gave her a travel voucher for future flights with Northwest. The hotel was nowhere near the city and too far away from the food she likes for her comfort. The travel voucher was not quite as good as a wad of cash for obvious reasons, one of the least of which is that Northwest flies directly to only two cities from an airport two hours away from our house by train. There is an airport about the same distance from us as the train station, but Northwest does not go there.

We found that the voucher was enough for two tickets to either Tokyo or Bangkok, the only two cities available. We could fly elsewhere, but then we would have to connect with another airline and the prices went much higher. I have been to Thailand repeatedly and Pi Chi has been to Japan almost as much. We already went to Tokyo together once, but only for a very brief stay. I could easily show her around Bangkok since I consider myself familiar with that city in the way foreign tourists do while the locals laugh at our ignorance. Given the choice, we opted for Tokyo since it is a much more expensive town than Bangkok and if we have any kind of discount we might as well use it at the place it is needed most.

After reading everything I could find on Northwest’s website about their travel vouchers I felt that using it would be a simple operation. I was as wrong as a Republican who thinks they represent family values. Despite everything I had read to the contrary, their travel vouchers can only be used for the person in whose name it is printed. If you have a voucher for $100 and want to buy two tickets for $50 each, the voucher can only be used toward one of those tickets. According to the website, the remaining $50 is lost.

Being us, we decided that one free ticket was better than nothing. We would go ahead and pay for the other one and fall right into the airline’s web. The punishment for making Pi Chi miss her return flight from Minnesota was that the airline sold an extra ticket to Tokyo they would have never otherwise sold. KLM foolishly gives away cash, which customers can easily spend on frivolous things like food and shelter. Northwest is clearly better at making money.

Yet Northwest Airlines is no more. They are now part of Delta. This change took place while we were trying to book our flights. When I tried to use the travel voucher online, their website was under redecoration from one company to another. What was available to me would not recognize the voucher. This forced me to do something I had thus far had the rapturous pleasure of avoiding for years. I had to call an American customer service office.

Where I live, companies are backward. If you need to talk to someone, you talk to that person. If your electricity is off, you call the person who can turn it back on. If you run out of gas for the stove, you call the guy who brings a new tank. For more complicated situations, you let Pi Chi make the calls. I have not been on hold in years.

After listening to recorded messages about how important my call is for a good 20 minutes, I was greeted by a Northwest customer service operative. I asked him if he was a real person. He assured me that he was and I took him at voice value. During our conversation he explained that the voucher could only be used for one ticket, regardless of the balance, and I explained why that sucked fat ones. He laughed knowingly when I made some derisive comment about working for a soulless corporation and said that he was impressed by my “good English”. At that point he knew where I was calling from and where I wanted to fly from and to. I told him that I watched a lot of American television growing up. I never bothered to mention where I had watched these shows. How is that any of his business. 

With an electronic confirmation number from a website that was closing and a company that was no longer in business, I went ahead and found us a hotel. Pi Chi and I have been to Tokyo together. She has been there by herself. Neither of us has seen the Imperial Palace. This is like going to New Jersey without visiting a shopping mall or Paris without the Eiffel Tower. The Imperial Palace is the only prominent part of Tokyo that has never been bombed by Americans. It is an important historical, cultural and architectural part of Japan. And it looks pretty in pictures. So I booked the cheapest hotel I could find within walking distance. It was very cheap by any standards. Alarmingly cheap by Tokyo standards. I assumed there would be something wrong with it, but had no intention of spending much time in the room anyway.

When you fly to most countries, they want your passport to be valid for at least six months. Mine expires in five. Renewing it before the trip would have been the smart thing to do. But Pi Chi’s travel voucher was about to expire and if my passport was still in the mail I would not be able to go anywhere. I decided Japan would let me in anyway since I have always had such good luck with uniformed officials in the past. As usual, the immigration clerks dutifully stamped my passport and sent me on my way while I had to wait for them to question Pi Chi and her motives. Because of the seal on my passport, I can go almost anywhere in the world without suspicion. Because of the seal on her passport, every country Pi Chi wants to enter questions her at length. The only revenge she gets is when we get home. If there are 1000 foreigners and 10 locals waiting to pass immigration, they will still open more lines for the locals. While I wait behind 1000 foreigners to enter the country where I live, she waits behind one or two of her own kind.

Since our flight to Tokyo left very early in the morning (by my standards) we took the train to the airport the day before and spent the night at a sex motel. Pi Chi booked the hotel. Not because it was a sex motel but because it was close to the airport and cheap. It was cheap because it was cheap. We have stayed at other sex motels and none were as bad as this.  

It is worth mentioning that Chinese sex motels are nothing like the dirty cardboard smoking rooms you rent in Hollywood while cruising for hookers or those tiny pay-by-the-minute closet-rooms the $5 Thai hookers take you to. Or so I am told. Chinese sex motels are where businessmen take their “little wives” since so many business meetings are met at the usual corporate hotels. They are also some of the few places in the country you will ever find your own private parking space. Not that that mattered to us on this trip.

What I hate the most about traveling pretty much anywhere is all the hurry up and wait. You wake up early to wait around for whatever vehicle takes you to the airport. If it is a train, you hurry to the station and buy the tickets to wait around for the train. At the airport you hurry to the check in line where you wait. After you check in you wait in the security line so they can take away your 12 ounces of liquid. And it is a good thing they do. There is no telling what damage I can do with a can of Pepsi and a tube of toothpaste. Appropriately, the airlines have us put our tiny bottles of lotions in plastic bags, thus thwarting our MacGyver abilities to turn soap into an atomic bomb. Without those little plastic bags we would all be doomed. I hope the evildoers never realize that items placed in plastic bags can be removed.

If you and your lethal shampoo make it through security, you have to wait at immigration. This is one of my favorite lines for reasons you would know if you were paying attention. After immigration, you get to wait some more, even if your flight actually leaves on time. When they call your row (or “zone” lately), you hurry up and wait in the line to get on the plane. After you hurry on to the plane, you wait for the plane to hurry up and wait in line to take off. Once airborne, you have no control over the hurrying, but you do get to wait. And when it lands you get to repeat the entire process in reverse.

I decided long ago not to let all of that bother me. The journey is half of the trip and sometimes the most adventurous part. I keep telling myself that while I wait in line between the screaming toddler who thinks everything within a 10 meter radius is his own personal playground and the sweaty fat guy behind me who thinks sneezing is a distance competition. I assume someday that I will believe it.

On my first trip to Japan I took a taxi from the airport to the hotel. If there is one rule about visiting Japan it is that you never take a taxi anywhere as long as there is some other mode of transportation. Japanese taxis are clean, efficient, and have those cool passenger doors that the driver can open automatically. But they are apparently the most expensive taxis in the world. A taxi ride in Thailand will cost you less than a bottle of any liquid that can be taken on a plane. A taxi ride in Japan will cost about as much as the flight to Japan.

On our first trip to Tokyo, Pi Chi and I took the hotel’s shuttle bus from the airport. It was free and easy, but time consuming. I think it took a good 15 years to get from the airport to our hotel. We might still be on that bus and everything I have experienced since is a dream.

For this trip we took the train to the hotel. It costs slightly more than a bus, but takes far less time. The Japanese were kind enough to build their international airport nowhere near their capital. No matter how you get into the city, it will take at least an hour. The express train is a good option, but buying tickets from the machines is an exercise in futility. We found out the hard way that you need two tickets per person to get on the train. One ticket reserves your seat and the other allows you to ride the train. You cannot get on the train with only a reserved seat ticket, which makes me wonder what the point is in selling it individually. How does it benefit anyone to have a seat if they cannot get on the train? But since the Japanese are generally helpful people and the people at the station probably see this sort of thing all the time, a small woman in a shiny uniform took us to a nearby ticket machine and quickly pushed all the appropriate buttons to get us the appropriate tickets.

The express train into the city was quick and clean, but I still like Hong Kong’s airport express better. And you only need one ticket.