My Experience With Chinese Police

I was finally pulled over by the police. Flagged over, really. The police here do not ride around in their tiny cars and patrol neighborhoods. They stand around next to their parked cars and wave their tiny red flags at random passing cars. Sometimes they simply sleep in their cars. In a land not known for televised high speed chases (I bet they would love them, though), drivers actually stop when flagged. It would probably not be all that difficult to speed away since the police cars are parked and turned off. To the best of my knowledge, which is far from perspicacious on a good day, the police fill their quotas by pulling over as many cars as needed. The fact that the driver may not have committed any actual infraction is irrelevant.  

This, I believe, is the main reason these people drive like assholes. They figure, most likely, that since they are going to be fined for doing nothing, they might as well break as many laws as possible while on the road. The fact that the police do not patrol the roads does not help. They really should. Chinese drivers are the worst in the world. I have driven the 405 freeway in Los Angeles, the Beltway in Washington, DC, and the Holland Tunnel in New York. None of those experiences can compare with the Chinese. The stereotype that Asians are bad drivers begins here.

There are apparently laws governing highway conduct, but they seem to be taken as merely suggestions. In most of the world, a red light means stop and a green light means go. Here the colors of the lights are wholly irrelevant. I cannot think of a single place where there is a stop, yield, or merge sign. It would be pointless to post one anyway. I have been driving these streets for a little over a year and I have no idea what the speed limit is at any given location. I doubt anyone else knows either.

In California, and possibly other states, if a driver enters the freeway from the wrong side of the road, it might get mentioned on the local news, especially if people die and there is footage. Here, driving on either side of the road is perfectly acceptable. I am pretty sure one is supposed to drive on the right side, but again, that is merely a suggestion. Larger roads have lines painted down the center, but I think those are probably just for decoration. They give drivers something to look at besides the radio dial.

Anyone who lives in any large city can tell you that parking is a hassle. They have solved that problem here quite effectively. People park literally wherever the hell they want. Double and triple parking is not much of an issue when you have cars parked in the dead center of the lane. I saw someone park their car in the middle of the road, perpendicular to the road, and I was actually surprised. I must have been new.

When The Man flagged me over, I was doing nothing wrong, but again, what is the difference. They were parked where the road turns. I was planning on speeding (maybe) once the road straightened out, but they got to me before I could. After I stopped, one of them told me to get out of the car. As far as I know. In the US, when the police tell you to get out of your car there is trouble afoot. It might be standard practice here. I have seen many people pulled over next to police cars and they are always out of their cars.

As soon as I got out of the car, Tiny Chinese Cop #1 told his partner that I was American. This annoyed me. I am American, but it seems stupid for them to assume all white people here are American. An overwhelming majority are Canadian. Americans are a distant fourth. They tend to assume that all things Canadian, Australian, South African, and British are American. This is flawed thinking. They also think anything written in any romanized alphabet is English. Het Nederlands ist Engels niet.

The tiny cops spoke not a single word of English and my Chinese is limited to ordering food and the occasional sexual reference, neither of which seemed all that appropriate in this situation. Tiny Chinese Cop #1 asked to see my driver’s license. I knew that is what he wanted, obviously, but I acted like I did not. This seemed to me the best course of action since I do not have a local driver’s license. I do not even have an international driver’s license. I do not even have a current driver’s license from wherever I am from. The story behind that is unsatisfyingly tedious. Not that it matters here. I am a licensed driver. I just have no laminated card to prove it. This is the reason I do not have an international driver’s license. I could try to get one with my expired license, and it would probably work, but I have not done so.

Tiny Chinese Cop #1 was quite persistent in seeing my non-existent local license. The one that would allow me to legally drive in his country. He made a few hand gestures, some of which were rather nonsensical, and he pointed to the license plate on the car. I am not sure why. In English, “driver’s license” and “license plate” both use the word license. In Chinese they are probably completely different words.  

Eventually Tiny Chinese Cop #2 approached the scene and pulled out his driver’s license. I was shocked. This was the first time I had actually witnessed a Chinese person exhibit common sense. As impressed as I was by his ability to accomplish simple tasks with a basic level of competency, I had to let the man down. I told him that I left it at home and pointed randomly in the distance. Not that he had any idea what I was saying. I would have shown them some other form of meaningless identification, but all I had on me at the time was my RT Mart card, and I would have to be Chinese to think that that is what they wanted to see. That card is in someone else’s name anyway. A woman’s name no less. But I use it all the time.

As expected, they gave up and waved me along in frustration. To their credit they did try for several minutes. Had I had a license and had I shown it to them I would probably now be faced with a fine for not eating eel rectum while driving. Or something equally stupid. But then at least I could try to fight it in court. Now that would be fun.