Tokyo is about a million years old with more culture than anyone can stand. The history alone is enough to drive one to seppuku. There is so much to see and do in Tokyo that you need at least 10 years to see it all. So on our first trip Pi Chi and I stayed for a few days. And what is the first thing we saw? The Imperial Palace? Meiji Jingu? Shinjuku Gyoen? Nicholai-do? Mt Fuji?
We went to Disneyland.
While at Disneyland during our first trip we discovered that next door is DisneySea, a water-themed Disney park. Most of the world’s Disneylands are essentially the same. DisneySea is completely different. We decided that if we ever went back to Tokyo we would give the sea park a try.
Through accident and coincidence, I have been to every Disney park in the world. This was never a goal and I have little respect for the Disney empire. They made Kurt Russell a star. Need I say more.
My favorite parks are the original Disneyland in California (probably because I have been there the most) and Disneyland Paris (probably because all the Mickey Mouse spiel sounds somehow sophisticated in French). My least favorite before this trip was Hong Kong Disneyland. It is too small and does not have many of the best rides. They only recently built a small world. There is more than enough space to make a California sized park, but they have yet to use it.
Now I can say that DisneySea is easily the worst. It may not be a Disneyland, but it is part of the rat’s empire and they want you to think it is a different version of a Disney park. Overall, it blows. Even Pi Chi was unimpressed and she is the kind of person who is easily impressed by short people in animal costumes. But DisneySea does not even have any of the familiar characters running around. The A-lister while we were there was some dog named Duffy. I still have no idea who that is.
DisneySea is divided into sections just like Disneyland, but the names are all water based. Main Street is Mediterranean Harbor, which looks like a hotel in Las Vegas and is the most like Disneyland. Like Main Street, it is essentially shops and food. It is also one of the docks for the boat that goes around the entire park with docks in each section. This was far and away the best ride at DisneySea.
To the left is the American Waterfront. Part of it is supposed to be New York Harbor at the turn of the 20th Century. Except that it is clean and full of Japanese people. The only rides are a train that goes from one section to the next and a free-fall ride in a faux Gothic building that is supposed to look like it is falling apart and has nothing to do with 1900’s New York. There is also a full-sized reproduction of an old ocean liner that holds more shops and restaurants. On the border of the American Waterfront is a tiny Cape Cod that looks nothing like Cape Cod (especially with the volcano) and only has shops and food. Most of the people there were in line for popcorn.
Beyond the American Waterfront is Port Discovery, their Tomorrowland. But the vision of tomorrow looks like something out of a Kevin Costner movie. I would not be surprised if the people who designed it also worked on “Waterworld”, or at least watched it more than once. The moral question being whether it is worse to have been paid to make “Waterworld” or repeatedly paid to see it. Port Discovery has all of two rides and is one of the two places to get on the train that goes to and from the American Waterfront. One of the rides looks like tiny helicopters without rotors that ride along a water track and spin around in circles for about a minute. This ride is probably best for children or people who smoke questionable herbs that should not be smuggled into Japan. You can ask Paul McCartney about that.
To the right of Port Discovery is the Lost River Delta. This has the Indiana Jones ride, the only Disney-familiar ride, and seems to be based around it. There is also something that might be a roller coaster, but we did not go on it because the line was ridiculous. This section looks like Adventureland, but there is no Jungle Cruise or any of that tiki crap because they are at Disneyland across the street.
On the far right of the park is the Arabian Coast. When I first heard about DisneySea, this was the place I wanted to see the most. It seemed like it might be the most interesting. It was not. The two rides are the carousel, which is sufficient as carousels go, and a small worldesque ride about Sinbad. Only it did not seem like a Disney version of it’s a small world. It was like some cheap state fair version. While on this ride I imagined how much Walt Disney would vomit in disgust. In case you were wondering, imagining Walt Disney vomiting violently while on a cheap theme ride is not the best of combinations for such a sensitive soul as myself.
In the middle of the park is Mysterious Island, centered around a large volcano. This is the castle. The entire section has a Jules Verne theme, but both rides had a waiting time of at least two hours and the only restaurant served Asian food. The uniformed person at the end of one of the lines said that the waiting time was 2000 minutes. I decided that this was not true.
While I was explaining to Pi Chi who Jules Verne was and giving a painfully brief synopsis of the two books represented (Journey To The Centre Of The Earth and Twenty Thousand Leagues Under The Sea), we discussed the differences in our native educational systems. Children in my country were always encouraged to read books, and most people probably know who Jules Verne was even if they have never read any of his work. In her country they did not and do not. I probably read more books in high school than she has read in her entire life, and I was a lazy reader. Ask Mrs Orsinger.
DisneySea is nothing if not educational.
Next to Mysterious Island is Mermaid Lagoon, the Fantasyland. This had all the children’s rides based on jellyfish and koi. There was an indoor Toontown type area that was interesting. Mostly because it was indoors and heated. We went on what turned out to be one of the coldest days of the month and as a sea park, almost everything is outdoors. The park’s location in Tokyo Harbor is a great way to get free water, but not so great when spring takes its sweet ass time coming.
We had lunch at an “Italian” restaurant in Mediterranean Harbor. Since this was a Disney park, I was not expecting much, but Pi Chi was disappointed that we waited an hour in line for undercooked Disney food. One of my main complaints about Disney food has always been that it is much more expensive than food outside the park. The great thing about Tokyo’s expensive food is that their Disney food prices seem reasonable.
Pi Chi and I both found DisneySea lacking. Most sections were little more than shops with a few restaurants here and there. They also had various shows in various sections, but they were all in Japanese, and I do not even want to watch them in English. The novelty of some dude in a plushie costume screaming in Japanese wears off quickly.
There were plenty of popcorn carts with extremely long lines, usually longer than the lines for rides. But we were unimpressed. Each section had about two rides and none were any good. The boat that goes around the park was the best only because it lasted longer than 30 seconds and it is the only way to really see anything. There is no monorail at any of the Asian Disney parks, probably because the locals ride similar trains to work every day and may not be as excited about the concept of mass transit as Americans.
When I first heard about DisneySea, I thought it was a good idea. The problem is that it does not feel like a Disney park. As soon as you walk into any Disneyland you know you are at Disneyland, whether the Haunted Mansion is in New Orleans or Fantasyland. Even the lesser Hong Kong Disneyland has that Disney feel if you give it a chance. DisneySea feels like a Las Vegas impersonation. And not a good one like Steve Lawrence or Scatman Crothers. DisneySea is like a Charo impersonator.
3 comments:
But you probably saw some young girls there, right? That's all that's important. Young, unspoiled girls.
Walt Disney was frozen, not cremated.
I mean, he was cremated, not frozen.
Post a Comment