澳門 is called the Las Vegas of Asia by people in 澳門. I have been to Las Vegas. I have gambled at 5 cent slot machines in Las Vegas. I saw a grown man set his arm on fire in Las Vegas. I got some in a jacuzzi in Las Vegas. 澳門 is no Las Vegas.
What 澳門 and Las Vegas have in common is legal gambling and far too many people walking around with their mouths open. In Vegas this is generally a reaction of awe. Shiny lights and $1.99 cocktails will do that to hillbillies from Nebraska. In 澳門, people apparently enjoy eating mosquitos and dirt while they walk. Both cities are also very dirty. Las Vegas is in the middle of a desert. I once stayed at the Aladdin when it was the Aladdin in January. It was very cold, which is pretty surreal in Las Vegas, and sand from the empty lot that is now the Paris hotel gave our hotel window a nice laminated sheen. 澳門 is just dirty. You can taste the utility trucks as you walk down Rua do Campo at that street triangle thing.
I have been to some amazing places in my life. I have been to more than a few places that would have been better had I stayed at a nicer hotel. I have been to places that I liked at first, but tired of quickly, and places that took time to appreciate. Then there is 澳門.
Lately, whenever I go anywhere I either find my own hotel or let local travel agents do everything. I have been pretty lucky in finding decent hotels at reasonable rates. The local travel agents always find lesser hotels, often at similar or higher rates. The first time I went to Bangkok I stayed at a hotel chosen by Boss Lady’s travel agent. Boss Lady paid for it so I saw no reason to complain. That hotel was a dump and in a terrible location. I have chosen the hotel for all subsequent visits to Thailand and it is always much better. The first time I went to Seoul, Boss Lady tried to pick my hotel but I upgraded to something far superior at the same price. That was a great trip. The second time I went to Seoul, Pi Chi’s travel agent picked my hotel and it was a dump in a terrible location. Had that been my first time in Seoul I probably would have never gone back.
Pi Chi’s travel agent picked our hotel in 澳門. Not surprisingly, it was a dump in a terrible location. 澳門 is basically a peninsula and two islands, only the islands have been fused together into one. It is almost like 香港, except that 九龍 and 香港島 are separate but equal. 氹仔島 and 澳門半島 are just separate. All the pop and parties are on the peninsula. We were on 氹仔, gateway to the airport and home of reclamated land and a few seedy docks.
Largo do Senado
氹仔 had two redeeming qualities. It is home to a famous bakery where all Chinese who visit 澳門 are required to shop. This was good news for Pi Chi as she has to buy whatever famous product is made wherever she goes for whoever she knows. They had good 月餅. Our hotel was also very close to the only grocery store in Asia where I have ever found almond M&Ms, the excellent Sanmiu Supermarkt Liited.
No matter where I go I inevitably find myself in a neighborhood grocery store. You can tell a lot about a neighborhood by its grocery store, and that is often the first place I will go after I have checked into the hotel. Not intentionally, but just because shit happens, I seem to always find myself in the candy aisle. What I quickly discovered is that every city to which I have ever been has M&Ms, but not almond. They all have plain. Most have peanut. Some have that crispy kind that I do not like. A few odd flavors have been popping up at home. But outside of the United States, and possibly Canada, I had never seen almond M&Ms. Until 澳門.
I am by no definition the world’s biggest M&M fan. But there are moments in life when you find yourself at a place and time when eating whatever is readily available is probably not the best course of action for your stomach or your dignity. M&Ms are relatively safe, easy to eat in small or large portions, and can prevent those untidy lapses into hypoglycemic comas. But plain M&Ms are too sweet for my aging taste buds, peanut M&Ms always taste like stale year-old peanuts, and I always seem to get more than a few with those black peanuts that taste just like dried battery acid. And those orange flavored M&Ms with the Russian package just freak me out. Almond M&Ms are my first choice. Especially since I live in a world where Reese’s peanut butter cups are harder to find than a virgin at the Viper Room, and twice as expensive, and Tootsie Rolls are an urbane legend.
I could die for a Tootsie Roll right about now. Or at least take a nap.
We spent most of our time traveling from our hotel end of 澳門 to the good end. We quickly found that taxis are expensive, for some reason. This was 澳門, not 東京. Taking the bus is like those travel programs about trains in India. They literally pack people on the bus until the door can just close. And I mean literally as in literally, not as in I am literally starving to death since I have not eaten in two hours. I stood on the first step to get in the bus during one such trip. Had the doors opened during a turn I would have flown out like a silkie. It is also worth mentioning that many of your typical working class Chinese have an aversion to soap and water. This is likely a cultural issue and I am not here to judge, but when you are packed into a bus that fits 30 with 50 people and it is over 35 degrees outside with 85% humidity, you want to be crammed next to as many people who took this week’s bath as possible.
We mostly took taxis in 澳門.
Mainland 澳門 had two redeeming qualities. It is home to Macao Tower (Torre Panorâmica) and a very good Italian restaurant. Macao Tower is not the tallest tower in the world, but it is the tallest tower in 澳門. The views from the top would be very good if not for all the smog. But what makes this tower interesting is that you can bungee jump from the observation level and walk around the top of the tower on the outside without any railings or protection from the weather. But they do make you wear a bright orange jumpsuit. I suppose that makes finding the bodies easier. They also do not allow people to bring their cameras. That killed it for me. I would only do it for the kick ass photography. And there was no way in hell Pi Chi was going out there, so I stayed behind for her benefit, valiant as I am. Also the price was just ridiculous.
The best thing about 澳門 for me was a quiet little Italian restaurant in a quiet little alley surrounded by casinos and jewelry stores that look like pawn shops. When we went there it was practically empty, which is a bad sign to Pi Chi and a good sign to me. I had the best gnocchi I have had in years. Pi Chi had the beef lasagna. I told her not to get it but she never listens to me. Pi Chi does not like beef. Consequently, she did not care much for the beef lasagna. When we walked away, my impression of the restaurant was higher than hers.
The most popular tourist attraction in 澳門 is what was once the front door of a 17th century Portuguese cathedral. It is “the symbol of Macao”. It is a wall. Everything that once stood behind, beside and above it is no more. But if you climb the million steps that lead to the wall and look out one of the empty windows you get a good view of the billion people shopping on the dirty streets down the hill.
St Paul’s Cathedral
The worst thing about 澳門 is that it is dirty, as has been mentioned previously. Even by Chinese standards. According to my own empirical and thoroughly researched and peer reviewed scientific survey, about 150% of the population smokes. There are clearly no automotive emissions standards. No pun intended. The men, women and children of 澳門 have no problem spitting on whatever surface happens to be in front of them. Or me. The men of 澳門 have no problem urinating into sewer grates. And 澳門, like probably all of China, has those intoxicatingly aromatic open sewers. The people of 澳門 whisper at a decibel level that could tear down walls.
For the sake of discussion we shall say that I am not a snob. I do not sleep on Egyptian cotton sheets. I do not drink Veneta caffè latte with my pinky raised smugly in the air. I think Kierkegaard was a tool.
I love New York. In the most voracious way possible. I love the smell of 1st Ave after it rains. I drink out of the can. And almost never with a twisty straw. I work blue.
I have been places where angels fear to tread. I have slept in places that I would not let a dog sleep. And I do not particularly care for dogs. But 澳門 is the only city I have ever been to in my entire life that I have absolutely no desire to ever return to for any reason whatsoever. And that includes Detroit.
[Update: I have since been back twice.]
and “the largest Chinese restaurant in the world”
What more could you need?
