Making Of Move Again

They say one should be quick to adapt if one is to expatriate oneself from one’s homeland for another. They say a lot of things, but in this case, one thinks that they are spot on the mark. Moving from an industrial powerhouse that can kick anybody’s ass, except maybe North Korea, Vietnam and Iraq, and possibly Iran, China and the Soviet Union, to a backward agrarian nation of ox plows and blue trucks takes a bit of getting used to.

American grocery stores have 78 different types of bath soap. Chinese grocery stores rarely stock soap as it is a luxury with which the masses are not particularly interested. Those who choose not to believe me can simply compare a Chinese public restroom with an American public restroom. Aside from the filth, open sewers, fauna, complete absence of toilet paper and the frequent presence of old women ironically mopping the floor, the first difference you would notice in a Chinese restroom is that soap and water are not a priority.

While it may be true that most Americans do not wash their hands after expelling fluids and whatnot, at least there is freedom of choice. Chinese lavatorians do not have the option of washing their hands since there is no soap on the premises and precious little running water. Developed locations like airports that have those developed faucets that automatically turn on and off when the sensor senses your hand will give the tiniest squirt of water. There is little use in setting the mechanism to give customers an adequate volume since most of the customers never use it at all.

I was at a relatively large airport on my way to a relatively small country when I had an altercation with the restroom’s faucet. It was imitating most of my dates in high school and refusing to service me. A tiny Chinese gentleman watched me get my tiny allocation of water followed by my verbal abuse of the obstinate apparatus.

“What is problem?”, he queried.

“I am not Chinese”, I replied. “I like soap and water”.

Though possibly impolite on my part, this dialogue illustrates my point and is often what I think to myself when faced with faucets that simply refuse to put out. I think it is impolite of tiny Chinese dudes to be all up in my face in public restrooms. I understand that they are a curious people. Not so much about anything having anything to do with any other part of the world. But when they see a handsome specimen such as me, their interest is invariably piqued as if someone is talking about who Jennifer Aniston is dating this week. I take a more American view in that I think most things are pretty much none of their business.

Another area where adaptation is absolutely required is on the road. Chinese people do not drive like humans. Much can be said about how different American driving is to European or African driving, but drivers outside of China generally share a basic level of humanity that has somehow escaped the Chinese. It is in this lane of adaptation that I refuse to yield and am failing miserably. I simply do not want to die just because some selfish asshole would rather kill than follow the most basic rules of the road and common sense.

One of the easiest elements to adapt to is the very different category of holidays. I was raised on Christmas, Thanksgiving, Fourth of July and Columbus Day. None of which are celebrated here. Instead, we have Red Envelope Day, Dragon Boat Day, Moon Cake Day and Tomb Sweeping Day. Like American holidays, they all require eating too much food and have the option of getting drunk as a Chinaman. Unlike American holidays, it is preferable to give wads of cash to those whom you only see during these holidays rather than well thought out personal gifts such as ties and Aqua Velva.

The most expensive holiday, like Christmas, is Red Envelope Day. You are the unluck if you do not give money to people you never talk to. And like Christmas shopping, giving people money in red envelopes has little to do with the birth of Baby Jesus. You would never learn anything about the original meanings of these holidays by observing Americans celebrating Christmas or Chinese celebrating Red Envelope Day. In both cases, better people spend the most money while anyone who does not go into debt must be an asshole.

When I first came to Scooterland, I lived in a tiny dirt and dairy farm village of about six people. That took some adjusting, having come from a major metropolis where the streets are paved with gold and everyone lights their Cuban cigars with hundred dollar bills. My tiny dirt farm village was lucky to have streets paved with sun dried cow shit.

I quickly adapted and became the toast of the town. As the only foreigner within several towns, I was a local celebrity. I got a discount at the local breakfast sandwich shop and the locals stared at me everywhere I went. I was like Tom Cruise, only much taller and with little interest in brainwashing cults.

Then I became a cliché and met a woman. Unfortunately, she lived nowhere near my tiny dirt farm village. As our relationship progressed, it became evident that one of us was going to have to relocate. She was from the big city. Her family lived in the big city. Everyone she knew, besides me, lived in the big city.

Big city Chinese are generally snobs. They look down on tiny dirt farm village Chinese and would prefer to never be caught dead anywhere near any tiny dirt farm village. Despite living in a tiny dirt farm village, I have always been a city person. I had no problem with moving to the big city, while there was no way in hell the Future Wife was going to move to my tiny dirt farm village. Moreover, I was not as invested in my tiny dirt farm village as she was in her big city, other than having a job there and all of my wacky adventures.

So I went from a tiny dirt farm village of about six people to a big city of about two million. This was a bigger adjustment than moving from the civilized land of milk and honey to the Chinese dirt farm village in the first place. The big city combined the filth, noise and suicidal driving of a big city with the filth, noise and suicidal driving of China. My tiny dirt farm village was certainly filthy, but I had gotten used to the obvious lack of noise and suicidal drivers. Not that they were good drivers. There were simply far fewer of them.

Before I moved to the big city, the Future Wife was offered a higher paying and better job in a medium sized suburb of a medium sized city not all that far from my tiny dirt farm village. We could have lived there and I could have easily commuted to the job I already had. But the Future Wife was not at all interested in leaving the big city. So I left my job, moved to the big city, found a crappier job that paid less in a big city where everything is more expensive than in my tiny dirt farm village and lost my celebrity status. But the locals still stared at me everywhere I went.

Marriage requires compromise. This means that if you are the husband, you do whatever the wife wants.

Six years later, the Wife was offered a higher paying and better job in a small suburb of a medium sized city. Much to everyone’s surprise, she accepted. I elucidated that doing this six years earlier could have saved me a shitbucket of pain and aggravation. Her mother was all, like, no way.

So once again I quit my job, packed my two boxes of personal possessions, helped the Wife pack her 42 tons of personal possessions and moved house. This reminds me that I need to tell my mother our new address. That has nothing to do with the story at hand, but if I do not write it down now, I will forget about it by the time I finish my drink.

As such (the quitting my job and moving part, not the telling my mother our new address part, or even the fact that I usually have a drink when I write these things), I am now adapting to life in a small suburb of a medium sized city. I have no idea what the population is, although I am sure it is somewhere between six and two million. I am not even sure if it is classified as a township or village. I doubt it is a city.

I cannot yet tell if I am a celebrity here, but the locals stare at me everywhere I go.

This current townvillage is nothing like any place I have ever lived. Neither was my tiny dirt farm village, and the big city was nothing like a big city in a civilized country, but where we are now simply defies description.

It is a tiny village in the middle of nowhere that looks like a developed city in the middle of somewhere. The streets are enormously wide by Chinese standards and paved about as well as one can expect around here. Outside of the downtown area, there are actual sidewalks between the streets and buildings. In many cases there are simply empty fields instead of buildings. This looks like a town that someone wants to develop into a city but where few people actually want to live. The downtown district looks like every small Chinese town. Where we live looks like an area where an urban planner wanted to create a planned city.

Our apartment is nothing like a typical Chinese apartment. We have a real kitchen with counter space, though no oven. Chinese people hate ovens for some reason. There is a real balcony with a real view, albeit a view of an unfinished planned city with empty fields. Most Chinese apartments have tiny balconies just big enough to hold a washing machine. We have one of those, but we also have a balcony that you can stand on and watch the birds.

The only similarities between our apartment and a typical Chinese apartment are the frequent water disconnections and the abundance of mosquitos.

When we moved here we had a choice of three different apartment styles in six different buildings. The complex has older buildings, which are about five years old, and newer buildings, which are at least three years old. None of them are even close to being full. We chose where we are now because it was the only one not rejected by either of us.

The Wife wanted to take a one bedroom apartment in one of the newer buildings because it was newer. I rejected it because it was even smaller than our previous apartment, the kitchen was a sink against a wall, the view was the building ten feet away and there was no air conditioner. The Wife wanted to buy new air conditioners for the living room and bedroom, but I found that to be a waste since all of the other available apartments came equipped.

I wanted to take one of the three bedroom apartments in one of the older buildings because it had more than enough room and two bathrooms. If you lived with my wife, you would want an extra bathroom, too. The Wife rejected it because it was slightly more expensive and, as she says every night, “too big”.

There were also four bedroom apartments with three bathrooms, but we both agreed that we did not need that much space.

We settled on a larger one bedroom in one of the older buildings. I liked the kitchen and large balcony, and the Wife liked the lower price and small laundry balcony. It took about a day to make our choice.

There were several apartments available, but narrowing it down to three options was very easy since the Chinese love to leave their apartments in a state of unnecessary dilapidation. None of the buildings are more than five years old, but some of the apartments look like they should be condemned. Every apartment you look at will be dirty. Whoever owns the building will only clean vacant apartments when they are rented. Electrical sockets and phone jacks are often torn out of walls. Windows are sometimes missing. Bathrooms are best viewed well after you move in. It is not uncommon to find discarded clothes, bicycle parts and food in closets or in the middle of the floor. When the old tenants move out, they just leave all of their garbage behind, and no one bothers to remove it until the new tenants sign the paperwork.

We immediately rejected all of the apartments with holes in the walls. Windows are easy enough to replace, but an inexplicable hole in the middle of the wall will always be trouble. We also rejected all of the apartments with animal and/or human feces on the floors and/or walls. This can be cleaned, but the Chinese version of clean is lacking, and I simply reject that shit on principle.

Some of the apartments had views of nothing more than other apartments. The Chinese do not care about what is out their windows. More often than not they cover their windows to keep out the evil sunlight. Given a choice between a view of somone’s soiled curtains on the fifteenth floor or the open sky on the fifth floor, being higher up is no longer very important.

Neighbors are more important to the Wife than they are to me, so she immediately rejected any apartment with obviously bad neighbors. By her definition, that means too many shoes and bicycles outside of their doors or too much garbagie out in the hallway. Everyone leaves their shoes outside, and I do not particularly care what is in front of their door as long as none of their crap is in front of mine, but I agree with her on the garbagie. I would prefer to keep their insects inside their apartment and not roaming the hallway and coming into mine.

The apartment we chose has no immediate neighbors. There are four apartments on the floor, and ours is the only one currently occupied. Even if others lived on this floor, we could all go in and out of our doors without ever seeing each other. We only share one wall with another apartment, and it is vacant. Since each apartment is in a corner, there is absolutely no reason for anyone to put their crap anywhere near our door. There will never be anyone above us since we are on the top floor, and there is currently no one below us.

There was some minor damage in our apartment, but we assumed it would all be fixed before we moved in, given that we were told it would all be fixed before we moved in. I have no idea why we thought the people in charge of the building would do their job in a timely fashion. I have lived amongst the Chinese for several years. The Wife has lived with them even longer. We should have known better.

When we first looked at our apartment, the floors and walls were covered with a lifetime of dust. When we moved in, the walls were freshly painted (but probably not cleaned first) and the floors were still dirty. The sliding glass doors leading from the living room to the balcony had not been replaced. Surprisingly, the kitchen was fairly clean.

This meant that dirty repair people would have to come into our apartment after we moved in. I understand that they have dirty jobs, but I do not understand why they can never clean any of the debris they always leave behind and how they always manage to leave questionable stains wherever they sit. I knew this would happen since it always does, but for some reason I was hoping we could avoid it this time. To me, it seems better for everyone to simply fix all of the problems before people move in. But that is not the Chinese way.

They fixed the sliding glass doors on the day we moved in. The Wife was more interested in the dirty floor, but I stressed the doors because they could not be properly opened or closed. This was not only a security issue, but a great way to let every insect in the country into our home. They tried to clean some of the floor, but it was getting late, and service people rarely work after four thirty.

When they tried to clean some of the tiles, that proved too difficult, and they simply replaced them. This required several days of work since every change of plans must be done on a different day. Trying to clean the tiles was one day, replacing the tiles was the next day and using one of those industrial floor cleaning machines was about a week later. The floor still has stains and cracks all over the place. You would never know that people spent three days cleaning it.

There are still some tile issues and a broken seal on one of the windows, making an unusually windy corner inside the apartment and letting in every mosquito on the planet. If they have not been fixed by now, they probably never will be. I spent the first month in the apartment fixing what little I could, and I am still battling the ants, though I fear that in this struggle I will likely lose.

There is an old Chinese saying, before one month we try make half ass fix ok, after one months you on own tough shit.

Apples And Oranges

The Chinese media are trying to compare the case of the homeless man in New York who was pushed or fell in front of a subway train while people watched in horror with Yue Yue, the little girl who was hit by two different cars in the middle of a small but populated street while no one gave a shit. The Chinese point of view is that Chinese people are better than imperialist Americans because Americans also stand idly by and watch their own get run over.

For reasons known only to the Chinese and people who understand that the easiest way for the Chinese to show that they are not horrible people is to point out horrible things done by other people, subway tracks buried and barricaded underground are the same thing as a small surface road, and ten 42-ton trains are the same as two 800cc blue trucks. The Chinese media will never point out that picking a small child up from a small road and taking her to safety is not nearly as dangerous as jumping in front of a moving train and grabbing some homeless dude. Most Americans will never jump in front of a moving train to save an adult. Neither will most people in any country in the world. Neither would I. Every single American, and most people on this planet, would have picked up Yue Yue.

And, no, a little Chinese girl is not the same as some homeless guy in New York. Yue Yue did not choose to be born a girl in China. Destiny fucked her over on that one. Homeless adults in New York made questionable choices to get where they are. Like it or not, they could change their circumstances far more easily than a Chinese female can become a European male. It seems to be completely lost on the Chinese media that adults are required by common decency to help small children in danger. In our live and let die society, adults are on their own.

The Chinese media tell us that Americans do not give a shit about homeless people. This is true. The homeless in New York are invisible, just as they are every place I have ever been. Just as they are in China. The communist Chinese ideology of robbing from the rich to feed the poor has long since been replaced with the capitalist Chinese ideology of robbing from everyone to feed the rich. The homeless population in China is increasing as communist China becomes more capitalist. There may be a culture somewhere in the world where homeless people are not invisible, but I have never been there.

The Chinese media point to a court case in 2006 where a Chinese judge punished a good Samaritan for helping a stranger in trouble, as good Samaritans are wont to do. This, they say, is the reason Chinese people are selfish assholes and will willingly walk by a small child who is about to be killed. Anyone who knows anything about the Chinese id or basic sociology or group psychology or common sense can tell you that the Chinese masses were not selfless and compassionate in 2005 and suddenly became selfish assholes in 2006. The entire culture did not change its way of thinking after some minor court case that no one ever heard anything about until it was used as an excuse to stand idly by and watch a small child get run over. This was a selfish culture long before 2006.

Americans are also selfish, though not nearly on such an advanced level as the Chinese. But the homeless dude in New York did not die because of selfishness. It is not selfish to not jump in front of a moving train. One would have to be very brave to do so. Or very stupid, depending on the outcome. Only a coward would let a little girl die in the middle of a small street.

The New Star Wars Movie

I got my hands on a copy of the new and highly anticipated Disney Star Wars movie. Disney is spending a lot of money to keep everything a secret, but the long arm of Disney corporate lawyers has never been successful in China. Disney bootlegs are everywhere, and English schools often use unlicensed Disney characters in their textbooks.

Much has been made of the fact that George Lucas sold the rights to the only thing worth a damn he ever did to Disney. But the suits at Disney know how to turn a profit. Every Star Wars fan’s fear that Disney will rape the franchise has come true, but at least some very rich people will make more money.

“Episode VII: Captial Gains and the Deferred Annuities”, directed by Chris Columbus, opens with a crawl that explains how new tax laws enacted after the assassination of the Emperor by his apprentice have made life difficult for Wookies, Ewoks and Droids, but have allowed humanoids to prosper, thus creating tension in the galaxy between the species.

Han Solo (Justin Bieber), who should probably change his name now that he is married, and Princess Leia (Kristin Stewart), no longer a princess, are putting their baby (CGI) to bed when it is revealed that their child has super Force powers. Instead of crying, it makes the cradle rock by itself and Forces the stuffed animals in the room to do an elaborate song and dance routine, written by those Phineas and Ferb people. If you look closely, you may notice that one of the dancing animals is a stuffed Nemo.

Meanwhile, on the planet Twit T’er, a new Sith master has emerged. Deng-Jow Ping (Vince Vaughn) hatches an evil plan to manipulate the creatures that are being heavily taxed and get them to rise up against the humans who never have to pay their fare share. He sends his padawan, To-Qen Blaque (Whoopi Goldberg), to the salt mines of M’Shellb Ackmen to shore up support. She then sings a ballad with her pet blistmok about how her boss, for whom she pines, never appreciates her.

On Dagobah, it is revealed that two other Jedi survived the Emperor’s purge and have since been living on the same planet as Yoda, though the two brothers were not aware of Yoda’s presence. The older brother, Katz (Jack Black) is mean and abusive to his younger brother, Jammer (Zach Galifianakis). After yet another argument over who is better at playing Lightsaber Hero, they sing a song and are joined by Yoda’s Ghost (CGI) at the end.

Luke Skywalker (Chris Colfer) is now teaching Jedi classes on Coruscant. After a grueling class with modern students who simply do not appreciate all that bullshit about midi-chlorians, R2-D2 (CGI) and C-3PO (CGI) join him in a song. Afterward, Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Ghost (Bradley Cooper) gives him some advice on dealing with shitty students.

There is a twenty minute sequence that takes place on Kashyyyk where Chewbacca (CGI) explains to his fellow Wookies why the new tax laws are unjust and must be abolished. All of the dialogue is in Shyriiwook with English subtitles.

After a long battle sequence with a lot of special effects and nothing else, Han, Leia and Luke meet up only to discover that they are on opposite sides of the battle. Luke, the liberal arts professor, is fighting with his creature friends while Han and Leia, a middle class couple, are on the side of corporate monied interests. Luke tells Han that even though he can no longer make the Kessel Run in twelve parsecs, he is still a rebel at heart and should fight for the little people. He tells Leia that life as a tax-free princess has sheltered her from the realities of low yield returns. A bunch of Ewoks (CGI) then sing a song.

Of course, this is exactly what Deng-Jow Ping wants, and now he has our heroes fighting on his side.

Until another special effects battle inexplicably reveals Ping’s plans to Luke via the Force. It is never made clear how this happened, but if you are a real fan you will simply accept it. After all, Greedo shot first.

When the good guys figure out what the bad guys are doing, there is another special effects battle. Luke kills Ping with his lightsaber after cutting off one of Ping’s hands, Leia convinces Blaque to join the good guys now that her boss/boyfriend has been brutally murdered, and Han is reunited with Chewbacca. Chewbacca then reveals that he is pregnant, setting the stage for something unnatural in the next movie.

Everyone sings the big musical number, including R2-D2 and Chewbacca, who sing their lines in their own languages. Even the ghosts of Yoda and Obi-Wan join in.

I cannot wait for Episode VIII.

Six Years None The Richer

Previously on Is Making Foreigner Show:

Foreigner making drive no license

Foreigner taking drive test

Foreigner showing make bad is driver test


There are two ways to drive legally in this country. You can have citizen identification, which I will never have, or you can have alien resident identification, which I have. Both types have to bring their identification and take a joke of a written and driving test. Citizens renew their license every six years. Alien residents have to renew theirs whenever they renew their alien residency; typically every year. The tests and fees are the same for everyone, but foreigners have to pay six times as often. If a foreigner’s license expires, he has to pay for and take all of the tests over again. If a citizen’s license expires, he simply pays an extra fee.

The standard procedure for renewing my alien residency is to do everything at the last minute. This is because everything can only be done within a certain time frame and, more often than not, the owner of my school likes to do everything at the last minute. She is the only one who can initiate proceedings. She sends forms to the government, they send forms back to her, she gives me one of those forms which I take to another government office, they give me another form to give to her which she sends to the government, they give her another form which she gives to me and I take back to the government office I went to earlier, I give them money and they give me a receipt. About a week later I can go back to that office and pick up my new identification card. It is that simple.

Renewing my driver’s license can only be done after I have the new identification card. There were several times before I had the license that I got the new card after the old one had expired. No one particularly cares if it is expired as long as the paperwork started making the rounds before it expired. Once or twice the old one expired before the paperwork for the new one went anywhere and I had to go to Hong Kong to get a visa in order to get the visa that I was waiting to get. This is all rather annoying in the beginning, but eventually you get used to it. There simply is no simple way to get things done around here.

The trouble began when I got a driver’s license. Now if anything expires, I have to take all of those driving tests again, and that is not something I want to do. I barely understood the written test, and I only passed the vision test because the clerk in charge could not have cared less. Not that my eyesight is that bad, but the vision test has nothing to do with vision.

This year, the owner of the school decided to wait until the last minute to send the initial paperwork to the government, as is her custom. She also forgot to include an important form, and it took some time for the government to let her know. She has only been doing this for five years, and apparently it takes longer than that to figure out how to do the same thing every year. After several weeks of several forms changing hands, I finally got the form that I take in to get the card that I need to renew my license. My alien residency expired the next day. This did not affect my legal residency in this country because most of the paperwork had already gone through. But since it usually takes about a week between taking the form to the government office and getting the card, there was no way in hell I would have the new card before my license expired.

Ordinarily, I take the form to the government office, go back in a week and get my new card and take that new card to renew my driver’s license. Since my driver’s license was due to expire the next day, this was not an option. So I took the form I usually take to the government office to the DMV, which is not called the DMV around here. This form basically says that all systems are go and tells the office that gives me my new card to give me my new card. There was no reason for me to believe that the people at the DMV would have any idea what this form was. But it clearly stated in Chinese that I was allowed a new card, and the people at the DMV supposedly know that having a new card is what allows me to renew the license.

Coincidentally, I have gone to the same clerk at the DMV every time I have renewed my license. I thought that since he recognized me and I recognized him, it might help. Rules at government offices are generally followed according to the clerk’s whim at any given time. Having at least some kind of relationship greatly helps.

He was not there. Instead, there was a woman who would have fit in perfectly at any American DMV. I could not decide if she was Patty or Selma.

She spoke no English and automatically assumed that I speak no Chinese, as happens pretty much all the time. While waiting for her supervisor, I wondered how I was going to talk the supervisor into renewing my license even though I had an almost expired alien resident card. My initial plan was to talk to the same guy I always saw and convince him that doing what I wanted was the way to go. Supervisors are generally less friendly around here, and more likely to follow the rules.

When the supervisor arrived, I showed her my form, explained what it was and told her that I would have the new card in about a week. I wanted her to renew my license or at least put some kind of temporary stamp on it and let me come back when I have the new card. She said that they did not do that. I knew she was going to say that. No one ever wants to do anything that has not already been done. These are not adventurous people. The Chinese did not send a person into space until 2003.

Following the logic that everyone does the same thing as everyone else, I asked her why foreigners have to renew their driver’s licenses every year while locals do it every six years. If everyone has to follow the same rules, why then do the same rules not apply to everyone. I assumed that I was going to walk away empty handed and was simply arguing for argument’s sake at this point. I had already decided that if my license expired I would not bother to take the tests all over again. Very few people recognize any rules of the road around here and I have lost interest in bending over backward to do things legally in a country where no one follows the law.

The supervisor asked me if I had a photograph. I did because I was hoping that somehow this would work, and I had to go to the other government office when I was finished with the DMV and give them a photograph so that they could give me a new card eventually. I gave her a photograph and she apologized but said I needed to pay a fee. I was willing to pay a fee. I wanted to renew my license and that always requires paying a fee. I could not believe that I had actually talked her into renewing it without having the new card.

She came back with my new driver’s license and apologized again. I was unsure which part of my argument was making her apologize so often. This is information that might be useful in the future. Especially since I knew that I might have to go through all of it again next year.

When I looked at the license to make sure they had the correct alien resident number (they have been wrong before, and this is inconvenient to correct), I noticed that it expires in six years. I have no idea if this supervisor was authorized to make my one year license last for six years. At this point, I do not care.

A World After It’s All Small

Through no fault of my own, I have been to every Disneyland in the world. I was forced to go to Disney World and Disneyland as a child, though I suppose there are worse crimes against children. I continued going to Disneyland of my own free will as a teenager. Further proof that teenagers have poor judgement skills.

The Wife and I went to Tokyo Disneyland on our first trip to Tokyo together because we had very little time and we simply could not decide between which three of the million things there are to do. We assumed that we would have more time on future trips to Tokyo and would be able to see more of the city then. But on our next trip to Tokyo we went to both Disneyland and DisneySea, mainly because a water Disney sounded like an interesting idea when we first heard about it.

We went to Disneyland Paris for reasons I still do not understand. I can think of better things to do in Paris. But on this trip I spent six hours inside a Louis Vuitton, so clearly there were priority issues.

I first went to Hong Kong Disneyland because I had several hours between checking out of the hotel and the flight, and the park is on the way to the airport. More or less. I do not recall my excuse for subsequent visits to Hong Kong Disneyland.

They are building a new one in Shanghai. There is no way to know whether I will ever go to that one. But it will be interesting to have a Disney park in a totalitarian state where most of the world needs a visa.

Disneyland MTR
Hong Kong Disneyland
Hong Kong, China 2007
Tokyo Disneyland has its own JR station, Disneyland Paris has its own metro station and Hong Kong Disneyland has its own MTR station. Disneyland California would probably have something if public transportation existed in Southern California. But Hong Kong Disneyland goes further than everyone else with their own MTR trains. Rather than get off the dirty public subway onto the Disney station, you have to take a clean Mickey train just to get to the very clean station.

Promenade
Hong Kong Disneyland
Hong Kong, China 2007
Hong Kong has the smallest Disneyland in the world, not for lack of space. The park is surrounded by empty space. From the main entrance you have to walk through an open promenade which could easily house another land just to get to the ticket windows. There are small statues here and there, and in the middle is this fountain.

Aquasphere
DisneySea
Chiba, Tokyo 2010
DisneySea incorporates the finest Disney tradition of making things look nice on the surface and the Japanese tradition of letting far too many people fill a very limited space.

Main Street USA Train Station
Tokyo Disneyland
Chiba, Tokyo 2005
I read somewhere that Tokyo has the only Disneyland without a train station. I think this is false.

Le gare de Main Street USA
Disneyland Paris
Marne-la-Vallée, France 2006

Main Street Train Station
Hong Kong Disneyland
Hong Kong, China 2006

Main Street Train Station
Hong Kong Disneyland
Hong Kong, China 2007
Hong Kong’s Main Street is supposed to resemble California’s, but it feels nothing like it. For my money, Tokyo felt more like California than any other.

Sleeping Beauty Castle, Fantasyland
Hong Kong Disneyland
Hong Kong, China 2007

Cinderella Castle, Fantasyland
Tokyo Disneyland
Chiba, Tokyo 2005

Le Château de la Belle au Bois Dormant, Fantasyland
Disneyland Paris
Marne-la-Vallée, France 2006

Sleeping Beauty Castle, Fantasyland
Hong Kong Disneyland
Hong Kong, China 2007

Cinderella Castle, Fantasyland
from DisneySea
Chiba, Tokyo 2010

Mt Prometheus, Mysterious Island
DisneySea
Chiba, Tokyo 2010

Cinderella Castle, Fantasyland
Tokyo Disneyland
Chiba, Tokyo 2005
Either I planned the last two shots five years apart when I knew almost nothing about DisneySea or it is a coincidence. Or Haneda Airport is just across the bay.

Cinderella Castle, Fantasyland
Tokyo Disneyland
Chiba, Tokyo 2010

World Bazaar
Tokyo Disneyland
Chiba, Tokyo 2005
The biggest difference between Tokyo and California, besides the Haunted Mansion, is World Bazaar/Main Street USA. Tokyo’s Main Street USA is called World Bazaar even though it is pretty much just like other parks’ Main Street USA. The only real difference is that the front entrance is covered, probably because Tokyo gets more snow than Orlando and Anaheim. The shops are still turn of the previous century Main Street (USA). It opens up to an uncovered town square that leads to the other lands and the castle just like every other park.

World Bazaar
Tokyo Disneyland
Chiba, Tokyo 2005

Main Street USA
Disneyland Paris
Marne-la-Vallée, France 2006
Paris’ Main Street USA has no Tokyo covered entrance, but the side streets that lead to other lands are covered.

Main Street USA
Disneyland Paris
Marne-la-Vallée, France 2006

World Bazaar
Tokyo Disneyland
Chiba, Tokyo 2005
Tokyo Disneyland on a slow day.

Main Street USA
Hong Kong Disneyland
Hong Kong, China 2007
No other street in Hong Kong is this clean, empty and open. But the people walking in the middle of the road and the car driving in the center are accurate.

Mediterranean Harbor
DisneySea
Chiba, Tokyo 2010
DisneySea’s version of Main Street USA, probably called Mediterranean Harbor instead of Main Street USA because it looks more like a Disney version of a Venetian Renaissance harbor than a 20th century street in downtown Happyville, Missouri.

Mediterranean Harbor
DisneySea
Chiba, Tokyo 2010

New Orleans Square, Adventureland
Tokyo Disneyland
Chiba, Tokyo 2005
Anyone who knows Disneyland California will know where this is.

Tokyo looks very much like California except for the corporate sponsorship. Disneyland probably has sponsors now, but that is not how I remember it (outside of Tomorrowland). And their sponsors probably do not include Japanese beer and Japanese department stores.

California and Tokyo are the only parks to have New Orleans Square, Mickey’s Toontown and Critter Country.

Phantom Manor, Frontierland
Disneyland Paris
Marne-la-Vallée, France 2006
Phantom Manor is very different from other Haunted Mansions. It has its own story and characters. The outside looks like it should be a condemned building. The garden and surrounding grounds are dead. The inside is less child-friendly. The Paris ghosts are not so happy go lucky. California is Casper, Paris is Poltergeist.

Haunted Mansion, Fantasyland
Tokyo Disneyland
Chiba, Tokyo 2005
The biggest difference between Tokyo and California, besides World Bazaar/Main Street USA, is the Haunted Mansion. The Tokyo version copies the Florida version and looks nothing like the California version.

New York Harbor, American Waterfront
DisneySea
Chiba, Tokyo 2010
They obviously put a great deal of thought into the park’s appearance. This is good if you like fake architecture, but not so good if you want to go on rides.

New York Harbor, American Waterfront
DisneySea
Chiba, Tokyo 2010

Cape Cod, American Waterfront
DisneySea
Chiba, Tokyo 2010
People waiting in line for an hour to get popcorn. This is not a joke. In the time it took me to climb the lighthouse that you are not supposed to climb (the sign should be in English as well as Japanese), these people got a small bag of popcorn.

American Waterfront
DisneySea
Chiba, Tokyo 2010
The unusual thing about American Waterfront is that it actually is on the water. Port Discovery and American Waterfront border Tokyo Bay. The rocks and trees are imported and artificial, but the water is straight from the Pacific Ocean.

La Plage des Pirates, Adventureland
Disneyland Paris
Marne-la-Vallée, France 2006

Adventureland
Hong Kong Disneyland
Hong Kong, China 2007
Adventureland became Pirateland during the summer of 2007. They were obviously whoring one of those Johnny Depp movies.

La Plage des Pirates, Adventureland
Disneyland Paris
Marne-la-Vallée, France 2006

Jungle Cruise, Adventureland
Disneyland
Anaheim, California circa 1978

Jungle Cruise, Adventureland
Hong Kong Disneyland
Hong Kong, China 2007
Hong Kong’s Jungle Cruise is set in an Asian river delta rather than African, which seems far less exotic when you are actually in Asia. But they still have African elephants, gorillas, rhinoceros and other African animals.

Port Discovery
DisneySea
Chiba, Tokyo 2010

Westernland
Tokyo Disneyland
Chiba, Tokyo 2010
Tokyo’s Frontierland is called Westernland because apparently there is no word for frontier in Japanese. Whereas the Japanese know all about adventure, tomorrow, fantasy and cartoons with gigantic eyes.

Mark Twain Riverboat, Frontierland
Disneyland
Anaheim, California 1989

Arabian Coast
DisneySea
Chiba, Tokyo 2010

Japanese rat worship
Tokyo Disneyland
Chiba, Tokyo 2005
I hate parades. I hate Disneyland parades even more. But this was the Wife’s first Disneyland and Disney parade and she wanted to watch it. She was not the wife at the time, so I caved in. The things I do for the ladies.

Mysterious Island
DisneySea
Chiba, Tokyo 2010
Mysterious Island is shopping and food. There are two rides. But you have to walk through air conditioned caves to get to it. It seems to be based on Paris’ Discoveryland.

Fantasyland
Disneyland Paris
Marne-la-Vallée, France 2006

Fantasyland
Hong Kong Disneyland
Hong Kong, China 2006

Les Pirouettes du Vieux Moulin, Fantasyland
Disneyland Paris
Marne-la-Vallée, France 2006
The ride was closed several years ago, but they have yet to tear it down, transform or replace it.

Tomorrowland
Hong Kong Disneyland
Hong Kong, China 2007

Tomorrowland
Tokyo Disneyland
Chiba, Tokyo 2010
The most obvious difference between Tokyo and Hong Kong, beside signs in Japanese and Chinese, is that Tokyo is filled to the rim every day while Hong Kong is as empty as a Mormon’s cup.

Tomorrowland
Hong Kong Disneyland
Hong Kong, China 2007

The 2nd version of the main entrance sign
Disneyland
Anaheim, California circa 1978

Number 3 or 4
Disneyland
Anaheim, California 1989

Le plus heureux des sorties sur de la Terre
Disneyland Paris
Marne-la-Vallée, France 2006

SS Columbia, American Waterfront
DisneySea
Chiba, Tokyo 2010
The SS Columbia houses shopping, an interactive aquarium and restaurants. One of the restaurants is supposed to be a cruise ship dining room. The other is the Teddy Roosevelt Lounge, which specializes in sandwiches because when you think of Roosevelt, you think of sandwiches. The aquarium does not have animals from the bay or animals from anywhere else. It is interactive because you can talk to the cartoon sea turtle on the monitor that is supposed to be a tank, and it will talk back.