So You Think You Can Drive Chinese

One of the first things most foreigners notice when they come here is that pedestrians do not have the right of way. Nobody has the right of way. Right of way is an alien concept. As is stopping at red lights, driving in one lane at a time, parking in only one space at a time, driving on the right side of the road. The list is endless. Every day I see people turn left from the right hand lane, turn right from the left hand lane, make u-turns from any lane in any direction, regardless of light color. People park wherever they want. There are very few real parking spaces in the cities so they will park absolutely anywhere. There are very few sidewalks in this country. Probably because if there were people would park on them.

In order to drive here legally you have to pass a written test and a driving test. The driving test is a joke. It is on a closed track without any obstacles. There are no other cars; no trucks, buses, scooters, bicycles, ox carts, farm vehicles, pedestrians or dogs. There are none of the situations every driver faces on the streets every day. If you can start the engine and not hit the borders of the track, you can pass the test. Licensed drivers never have to demonstrate any knowledge of the road or ability to drive. All you are required to do is drive around the track, back into one parking space, parallel park in a space that is much larger than anything you will find in the real world, and drive backwards on a curved road. The most interesting part is driving backwards on the curve because the written test clearly says that this is illegal. To legally drive in this country you must perform a completely illegal maneuver.

The more you drive around here the more it appears that there are few if any rules and regulations, and even less common sense or courtesy. When you see drivers make recklessly illegal moves in front of police officers who do nothing, it is easy to assume that there are no laws. But the laws exist. They are rarely enforced, and I doubt that most drivers know or care about them, but the written test implies that someone somewhere wrote a few things down.

The written test is more challenging than the driving test because of the creative word usements. All of the following are actual questions taken from the study guide, which are the actual questions on the test. I never bothered to study it, but I read most of the questions because I found them amusing. 

Most of the questions are simple common sense.  

True or false:  
* To use overpasses or under passed would be the last resort.

* If driver deliberately kills or injuries someone, he will punished accordingly.

* Vehicles should not break down for lack of water or oil.

* Speeding is one biggest reasons for accidence.

* It is definitely reduce accidence if everyone follows the traffic rule.

* The drunk driver cause serious hurt or death. Will punished for find, his license will canceled and cannot retake.

* Driving is both physical and mental work. With a regular life, driving safety can be ensured.

* Must not reverse on bends, narrow roads, steep slopes or one way roads.

(And yet you have to on the driving test.)

Multiple choice:
* I am good driver and always obey traffic law, for traffic safety, I hope traffic police will (1)observe and strongly enforcing traffic law(2)no observe nor enforcing(3)observe but not enforcing.

(This reveals a great deal about local law enforcement that such a question is even on the test.)

* When the blood sprays out continuously, that will bleeding of (1)vein(2)capillary(3)artery.

(The answer is obvious, but why is this on a driving test?)

* When the broken bone is out of skin, should (1)push it back to original place(2)stop bleeding first(3)sent injurer to hospital.

(If any of my bones are out of my skin, the last person on Earth I want touching me is some dude who just hopped off his scooter.)


There are the usual questions about being a good citizen.

True or false:  
* I discover from two passenger whispered conversation they are the drug dealers. To help my country, I should take to police stations and not them to escape.

* If driver has no driving moral, it is misfortune for him and others.

* Politeness and forgiveness is best driving behavior.

Multiple choice:  
* If driver wish to uphold national honor, promote social state ability and family happiness, they should (1)have driving morals and obey law(2)have good driving skill(3)not drink or smoking.

* The driver clothes and appearance should (1)have limits(2)clean and dignified(3)not important.


There are also too many questions about weight and height limits for trucks and other things that make more sense on a professional driving test.

True or false:
* If driver finds the infective, mental ill passenger or some carry stinky stuff. He can make excuse and refuse admission to passenger.

* Those with heavy truck driving licenses may a tactor or mini bus.

* Both owner and the driver should responsible for loading goods.

(I assume this is about trucks. Or am I legally obligated to help Pi Chi carry all of her crap out of her car?)

Multiple choice:
* If because of sickness or going abroad, professional driver is unable to his license re-examed on time, he must give proof and have his professional license re-examed within (1)1 months of recovery or returning(2)3 months of recovery or returning(3)6 months of recovery or returning.

* Those who apply for having license to drive container lorry, their past experience should first have drivers license (1)for driving sedan more 1 years or for driving heavy truck more 2 years(2)for driving heavy duty truck more 1 years(3)for driving coach more 1 years or for driving heavy truck more 2 years.

* What is limit truck charring dangerous goods may parked to bridge, tunnel or five? (1)50 meters(2)100 meters(3)200 meters.  

* When have old, difficult moving passengers, should (1)say no to them(2)drive after they sit well(3)double passenger fee.

* When loading dangerous goods, must follow regulations. Or will be find and (1)will marked 2 violation points(2)will marked 1 violation points(3)will not marked any violation point.

(How many people really know?)


There are more than a few questions that have questionable answers.

True or false:
* When wishing overtake, should give two short honks or flashing the lights once, wait for car in front slow down or make hand signal. Only then can overtaking.

* If front car doesn’t reduce speed and drive aside, you should not overtake. If you did, you’ll be find and be marked 1 violation points.

(The answers are true. You can only pass another car when it signals that you can pass. That cannot be right. And if it is then absolutely no one in the entire country ever obeys this law. Including me.)

* Only person involved or legal representative or guardian or heir can mediate the accidence.

(The answer is true. My heirs can mediate the accidence. Apparently.)

* When green light says you can pass, driver should pay attention of cars and pedestrians illegal going through red light.

(False. Drivers should not pay attention to anyone running the red light. This explains why no one ever does.)

* Drivers who injured people because broke the traffic safety rule will their license revoked.

(False. Personal injury is a very low priority.)

* When drive on highway, lane for reducing speed, or single lane highway entrance and exit ramps, cannot overtaking. On acceleration lane, if front car drives slowly and blocks traffic, can overtaking.

(False. You can pass someone on a single-lane on-ramp and cannot pass a car that is going slow. I think maybe it should be the other way around.)

* When you driving with tired body, will easily cause accidence.

(False. Tired bodies never cause accidence.)

Multiple choice:
* If driver hit working police officer while drive, his driving license will invalidated and (1)cannot take road test in next year(2)cannot take road test in next 3 year and a find NT30,000-60,000(3)can never take road test.

* Driver who kill people because broke traffic safety will (1)have license canceled and may not retake test for 5 year(2)have license canceled and may not retake test for 3 year(3)have license canceled and must wait year before retake.  

(The answers are (2) and (3). If you hit a cop under any circumstance you lose your license for three years and pay a large find. If you kill a civilian while driving illegally you only lose your license for one year and need not worry about paying any pesky finds.)

* Which following illicit behaviors can it are directly reporting police? (1)Unlicensed driving(2)Drunk driving(3)Illegal park without driver attendance.

(You might think the answer is (2). That is the most illegal. But the correct answer is (3).)

* When car is sliding and out of control, you should (1)brake right away and turn opposite direction(2)brake right away and no turn(3)no turn wheel instead, follow the direction of sliding.  

(All of these options are stupid and would likely bring pain. The correct answer is (1), which would cause your car to spin uncontrollably.)


And some of the questions I had to read several times before I had any idea what they were talking about.

Multiple choice:
* The two directors on highway dividing by (1)same markings as normal roads(2)absolutely dividing method in order have two unilateral director road(3)color of lights.

* If driver not follow police officer persuasion when commit illegal parking or over speed police (1)can inform driver again(2)cannot inform again(3)can detain driver and car.

* When have serious accidence with you car should (1)have regular check after repaire car(2)have temporary check after repaire car(3)to apply for number plate check after repaire car.

* If vehicle not equipped with tachygriph owner will find (1)$12,000 to 24,000(2)$15,000 to 60,000(3)$ 9,000 to 12,000.

* The car accidence happened inner lane because passer-by or other slow driving car doesn’t follow rule and cause the hurt or death, driver who driving inner lane and follow regulation will punishment is (1)original sentance(2)mitigating the punishment(3)comulating the punishment.

* Driver should taking roadway safety lecture if following illegal behavior is happened (1)Run acrossing railway(2)Cause accidence illegally with license detained(3)Above mentioning correct.

* People should taking roadway safety lecture if following illegal behavior is happened (1)Driver’s left child who under 6 years older or is needing the special care of car alone(2)Legal agent or guardian allow teenager who under 18 years age of unlicensed driving, racing or dangerous-drivering(3)Above mentioning correct.

* If car driver is found that snake on road will punished (1)find, number plate will detained 3 months(2)find, roadway safety lecture(3)find, roadway safety lecture, number plate will detained 3 months.

(I still have no idea what the hell this means. Is the snake punished? Some of my students often write snake when they mean snack, but changing those words does not help.)

* What is main reason to cause the accident while turn left? (1)Driver ignores(2)Dead space(3)Inner wheel turning distance.

* The identification of the “Visional Tunnel Effect” is driver has the visional mistake of bright front side but dark side in surrounding of drunk-driving. Therefore, what will driver visional became if driver is drunk-driving? (1)No visional change(2)Visional becomes hard(3)Visional becomes soft.

* If notice somebody take animals go through road, should (1)horn them and make aware of surround(2)increase the speed and go through road before they(3)reduce the speed and wait for going through.

(People taking animals go through road is not at all rare around here so the question deserves a space on the test, but as usual the answer has nothing to do with how people actually drive.)


Most of the things I see drivers do every day are illegal according to the test.

Multiple choice:
* Slower cars should drive in (1)inside lane(2)outside lane(3)slow lane.  

(Slow cars, trucks, buses use every lane. In South Africa, I was impressed by trucks going out of their way to move aside so cars could pass, even on narrow roads. Here, trucks and buses go out of their way to jump in front of faster cars and drive next to other trucks so that no one can get by.)

* When you driving (1) may use handy phone to dial or answer(2)may not use handy phone to dial or answer(3)may use handy phone to dial or answer if traffic condition is find.

(People use handy phone while driving all the time. Handy phones are an extension of self around here. I have 10-year-old students with handy phones. I never had a handy phone when I was 10. When Pi Chi drives while screaming into her phone I point out that it is illegal. I might as well tell her to drive in only one lane.)

True or false:
* On hearing ambulance, fire engine, police car or rescue vehicle, no matter which direction is coming from, should give way and must not following quickly.

* On a two-lane road, when entering a lane, right of way should be given to vehicles already on lane.

* At intersection where are lanes specified for right or left turn, vehicles which go straight may not use these lanes.

* At intersection with no lights or policeman and both road are main road, cars on left should give way to cars on right.  

* On two-lane road, when vehicle wishes turn left, he should use indicate 30 meters from intersection. When reaching center of intersections, turn left. Not use oncoming lane left turn lane.

* When pedestrians crossing ahead, you should slow down.

* Where there are signs prohibiting U turns, overtaking or changing lane, car must not make U turns.

* Do not park at station, airport, quay, school or hospital entrances.

* On same lane, if front car want reduce speed and stop, he should warn following car by signaling in advance.

* Do not park where you will clearly obstructing other vehicles.

* In normal weather condition, driver should obey marked speed limit rules.

* Vehicle on highway must not race at high speed or drive slowly side by side.

* When driving on highway, should pay greater attention to movement of other vehicles on both side.

* When changing lane, use indicator lights to give vehicle behind advance warning. You must also pay attention to movement of vehicles around you. 

* Before enter lane or change the lane, should use turn signals and check lane next you.

All of these are true. Foreigners who drive here might be surprised to see that these things are indeed illegal. And yet I see the locals break every single one of these rules every day. I live next to a hospital so I have a good deal of experience with ambulances. I am the only one who ever lets them pass. And usually when I do, several cars recklessly jump in front of me. Yielding to emergency vehicles, pedestrians, cars that clearly have the right of way or anybody is just crazy talk. I can only assume that to yield is to show weakness before the enemy. And that is what every other driver seems to be.

And the questions about paying attention are laughable. Paying attention is simply not a Chinese character trait. Drivers are rarely aware of anything that is not within 5 feet in front of them. Pedestrians routinely slam into each other, and they travel at much lower speeds. I have often said that you could walk down the street wielding a chainsaw and people would still walk right into you. And everybody seems to walk the way they drive. That is not a good thing in a place so crowded.  

True or false:
* When see vehicle nearby is indicate and preparing to change lane, you should increasing speed to avoid being overtake.

(The best way to get a slow car to speed up is to make him think you want to change lanes. Drivers react as if their family will suffer horrible dishonor if anyone passes them. Even if they are driving 5km/h. Especially if they are driving 5km/h.)

* When drive at night and car from opposite direction use upper beam, you should use upper beam as revenge.

(From what I have seen, the high beam is used solely for revenge.)

* If see the elder, children or handicapped people walk slowly on pedestrian cross, you should sound the horn.

(Not only will most drivers honk at old people and children, but they will usually come as close to hitting them as possible. Except when they actually hit them. I do not understand why handicapped people are included. The handicapped are rarely seen in public.)

* When see red light, you can still turn left if traffic not busy.

(Everyone turns left at red lights. I used to think it was legal since it is so common. But there is no such thing as traffic not being busy.)

* You may throw anything you like while driving on freeway.

(Throwing trash out of moving cars is an art form around here. I have seen people throw kitchen-sized garbage bags out of their windows. I saw a scooter driver throw his drink cup straight up into the air while he was driving. It nearly landed on another moving scooter.)

* A driver doesn’t have care about traffic rules.

(From what I have seen no one cares at all about any traffic rules.)


It is easy to pass the test without knowing about most of these rules. I passed without understanding much of the test. Once you have a license you never have to take the test again and since the laws are rarely enforced there is little reason to obey them. “Monkey see, monkey do” should be the official motto. When newer generations constantly see anarchy, they will follow along.

I drove in this country illegally for years. I can appreciate the irony of complaining that no one obeys any of the laws that are never enforced. But I am probably the safest driver in the entire country. I stop at red lights. I drive on the right side of the road. I have never driven into oncoming traffic. I have never driven backwards on the freeway. I look before I leap. I yield to everyone and everything. I have never hit any other cars. Every day someone comes within inches of hitting me. Usually because they are unaware that other people exist and they do whatever the hell they want. I have never been in any accidents in this country when I was the driver. Every year thousands of people die at Pi Chi’s hospital because of traffic accidents. I have seen enough to assume that they died because they or the car that hit them did something really stupid.

These are not inherently stupid people. They invented fireworks and pasta. Some of them can be very nice in person, if you ignore the racism. This is not meant to be a backhanded compliment. I often like living here, despite the tone of everything I have just written. There are advantages to my current lifestyle that might be difficult to find elsewhere. And I have no genuine dislike of Chinese people. Most of the people I know are Chinese. The best relationship I have ever had is with a Chinese woman. And not for the reasons most people in “the West” assume. She is demanding, contrarian, selfish, aging me prematurely, and one of the nicest people I have ever met.

But even nice Chinese people become raging assholes behind the wheel. It is not road rage. It is more like road superiority. Chinese people are without a doubt the most selfish drivers I have ever seen anywhere in the known universe. And probably in the rest of the universe as well. Every single one of them seems to have a sense of entitlement as if wherever they are going and whatever they are doing is infinitely more important than everyone else. This selfishness kills people.  

I am an outsider here. If I live here the rest of my life I will still be a visitor. Children on the street will still point at me and say, “美國人”. When you are a visitor in a strange land you should accept the cultural differences and never expect them to adapt to you. I never complain anymore when people eat with their mouths wide open, proudly release gas from every orifice or scream at the top of their lungs into their cell phones. That is simply their way. But I will always complain when they drive as though they are invincible and no one else exists.  

Several years ago one of my students was hit by a car. She was always the sweetest little girl and too smart for her age. I called her 小 Amy because there were originally two Amys in her class and she was easily the shorter of the two. Whenever I called her 小 Amy she would smile, even if I was calling her to write something on the board.

She was out of school for months after the car hit her. When she eventually came back she used crutches, then walked with a limp. I never saw her happy after she came back. Her test scores went down the toilet. On my last day at the school I gave her an American dime because I had given a girl named Penny a penny and I wanted to give Amy something. Before the accident she would have been overjoyed to see the dime because it was something new and different. When I gave it to her she just stared at it blankly. I have not seen her in years but every time I think about her it still pisses me off. I can only imagine the suffering she went through, and I saw how it clearly changed her. And all because some asshole was driving the way the Chinese drive every day. 

My Second (Far Less Amusing) Encounter With Chinese Police

My weekend started like every other weekend. On Saturdays I wake up anywhere between whenever I wake up and 8am. Unlike every other day of the week I actually have to be at work before 4pm. Most Saturdays I work from 9am to 9pm, with two or three very long breaks. I may be the only foreign teacher here who works a full day on Saturdays (or any other day for that matter), but on this particular day I worked for 10.5 long hours. That has got to be a record. I think most of the foreigners would quit their jobs rather than work a full day. After working part time for so long I am not entirely wild about working a real day, but I would not quit unless this kind of thing happened at least two or three times. The reason for this sudden glimpse into the real world was that I arranged to take the following Monday off for a weekend trip to the coast. As the only English teacher here I cannot simply switch schedules with someone else. Ordinarily when I take a day off (which has only happened fewer times than I have found shards of my teeth in my food) one of the Chinese teachers takes my classes. It is a step backward on the educational dance floor, but at least I get out of the building for a while.

After a grueling day that only prisoners of Manzanar can relate to I caught the 11:35 (pm) to 左營. The main benefit to taking the train so late at night is that it is not nearly as crowded. Ordinarily (between 6am and 10pm) the trains are packed tighter than that porn star who set the record for most anal penetrations in one sitting. So to speak. A major drawback is that it does not arrive until after 1am, and since it is always delayed, even later. I “alighted” the train at 1:30am, a good 20 hours after I awoke. “Please watch you step when alighted”.

This is where things start to go downhill.

At 1:40am Pi Chi and I were in her three week old Mazda Isamu traveling down a relatively quiet street when a scooter monkey decided to drive across the road and directly in front of her car. Fortunately, she is perhaps the only Chinese person alive today who actually drives within the legal speed limit. Whatever that may be. It is not that she is a good driver. She has a fondness for making u-turns in the middle of congested roads and driving in multiple lanes at the same time. Neither of which are in any way uncommon here. But she does not usually drive terribly fast, which proved to be a good thing in this instance. Had she been driving like the rest of the country, said scooter monkey would be dead. As it was he suffered no apparent injuries and his scooter and her car were only superficially scratched.

When the scooter first appeared Pi Chi hit the brakes and my immediate thought was that she could not possibly stop in time. She did not. I believe I mentioned something about a dog’s male offspring. I was not concerned for his safety or ours. The impact was simply not that hard. I was not thinking of the immediate consequences. Indeed I was not even aware there would ever be any consequences. Abysmal driving rarely has consequences around here. I was not considering how this could hinder our impending weekend getaway. My sole concern at this point was that this asshole just scratched a brand new car. After 10 years another dent is just another endangered species going extinct. In for a penny, in for a pound, I never say. But that first scratch on a new car is worse than a lizard tail in your mashed yams.

While Pi Chi and Scooter Joe were squawking at each other in some heathen babble (after 20 hours of uninterrupted wake it all sounds like pigs being gutted to me) I was watching a police car casually approach the scene and wondering how and why they arrived so soon. A simple turn of my ever observant head revealed that across the street was a police station. Lucky us.

When the police arrived I wondered how they would interpret the situation. The drivers were male and female, and I could easily see the male police taking the male driver’s side. This is a very sexist country. I, being male, might be able to turn the tide if I could communicate effectively with the authorities. Sadly, I cannot. In this class-conscious society it helped that Pi Chi is the head nurse of the Intensive Care Unit of a very large and possibly famous hospital. Scooter Joe is a 7-11 cashier.  

While all the parties concerned were arguing and the police were pretending to pay attention I noticed something that would make it very difficult for the police to ignore who was at fault. From about four meters away I could smell Scooter Joe’s breath. He also seemed to be having a difficult time remaining erect. This is not an affront on his manhood. He simply could not stand up. During the course of the evening I watched him stumble around in an attempt to walk. Although he was clearly inebriated his driving was not at all unique in these parts. Jumping in front of moving vehicles is like a hobby to these people. While driving I have had large trucks, buses, blue trucks, cars, scooters, pedestrians, and everything in between jump in front of me. Some months ago I could not stop in time and hit a child on a bicycle. His reaction gave me the impression that this was common practice for him. My hand was still on the horn when he got up from the ground and peddled away. Leaving the scene after hitting a child on a bicycle would be a very bad thing in most countries. Here it is in everyone’s best interest to leave the scene immediately.

After about 30 minutes Scooter Joe’s people arrived. They were five to twelve mostly young, ruggedly ugly betel nut chewers. The one in the blue t-shirt was older, and it did not take long for him to protest the situation. At first he wanted Pi Chi to just take some money and call it a day. The police thought that was a wonderful idea. They favor anything that lets them get back to smoking and watching tv. With a brand new car, all the proper insurance and documentation, and being in the right, Pi Chi wanted to do things properly. What was she thinking.

Blue T-Shirt Guy became increasingly hostile. When he started to yell at Pi Chi I stood between them, and he started yelling at me. I said a thing or two that was not entirely diplomatic, but I never matched his lack of control, and only one person there (Pi Chi) understood anything I was saying anyway. She later told me that he warned her against going out with a playboy foreigner and she told him that she sees people like his friend in the hospital every day, only in much worse shape. She obviously did not need my protection. 你去女朋 . (Literally, “You go, girlfriend”, but really gibberish). A linguistic example of the deeply rooted misogyny in Chinese culture: the 女 in “female” is also part of the compound words for slave, flunky, subservient, anger, cruel, tyranny, embezzle, coward, argue, and malaria. By contrast, the 男 of “male” is also in hero, embrace, include, and benign (not malignant) tumor.



Pi Chi, Blue T-Shirt Guy, Useless Cop, Scooter Joe, one of Scooter Joe’s many friends

After another 10 or 20 minutes Angry Blue T-Shirt Guy must have realized that the police were not going to just go away and he sprang into action. What I saw surprised me, and there is very little a drunken Chinese person can do at this point to surprise me. While yelling at both and/or either of the two police officers Angry Blue T-Shirt Guy grabbed one forcefully by the arm hard enough to turn him around. A hostile, possibly drunk civilian was laying hands on a police officer and there was no choke hold, no beating, no imprisonment. The police officer did not even tell Angry Blue T-Shirt Guy to back off. He simply ignored his assailant as if no one was clawing at him. Chinese police are impressively lazy. I would never begin to imply that American police are not lazy, but if someone grabs them violently they and 10 of their colleagues will become very active very quickly.



Blue T-Shirt Guy assaults a police officer while they allow a mob to surround them

While I was still wandering in amazement another police car approached. It looked the same as the first car to me, but Pi Chi expressed approval that the “right police” had arrived. Being very close to the police station, the first police to arrive were merely the local precinct police, apparently not the appropriate authorities in a traffic accident. All of this explained to me, I began to understand why it was taking an hour to write up a minor accident and I was hoping that maybe we could end this soon now that the proper authorities had arrived. It was almost 2:30am.

When the traffic police arrived they asked everybody involved, and even the people who swarmed on the scene after the fact, all the same questions the other police asked. The only difference was that the traffic police came with equipment. They measured the distance between this and that and looked at the skid marks on the street and did all the things traffic police are probably supposed to do.

Pi Chi was able to convince the traffic police that Scooter Joe was drunk. The other police knew it all along, but that probably means more paperwork so they were willing to ignore the obvious. The traffic police whipped out their little breathalyzer and tested Pi Chi. I assumed they would be testing Scooter Joe forthwith, but minutes later Scooter Joe was still wobbling about while Angry Blue T-Shirt Guy was still yelling at everybody except Scooter Joe. Pi Chi later told me that he threatened to hit her right there in front of the police officers. They later said that they heard and saw nothing. Typical of the lazy, inept and often corrupt police force in a country where it seems that every type of official is lazy, inept and corrupt. I still could not believe that Angry Blue T-Shirt Guy was not bleeding and in chains. Or that he was in charge of the scene. He was not driving either of the vehicles and was not even present at the time of the accident, yet the police spoke with him more than anyone else and they let him control the situation.

Eventually the breathalyzer printed out a little receipt which Pi Chi had to sign. Her blood alcohol level was 0.00. Angry Blue T-Shirt Guy suggested that they test me. His theory was that I was the one driving and that I was drunk, despite the fact that I was the calmest person on the scene and the only one capable of standing still for more than ten seconds at a time. If you ignore that I have not had a drop of alcohol since 1987 one can admire Angry Blue T-Shirt Guy’s persistence in defending his friend, if not his methods. Considering the way people drive here the traffic police probably have more experience with traffic accidents than American police have with mustache grooming. It was pretty obvious from the location and position of Pi Chi’s car and Scooter Joe’s scooter that he had to have been driving across the street while she was moving straight ahead within the lane. Even if I had been driving it was clearly the scooter’s fault. I could not tell whether Scooter Joe looked drunk or was just naturally goofy looking, but he could not walk straight or speak clearly, whereas I was my usual pillar of poise, raging charm and enunciation. Not that anyone around here would notice. Pi Chi was somewhere in between, though further on the sober side.

After more questions and shouting the traffic police finally tested Scooter Joe. Angry Blue T-Shirt Guy was decidedly not happy about it. When the test result was printed I went and had a look. Since the scene was anarchy I had no problem looking at whatever I wanted to look at. According to this test Scooter Joe’s blood alcohol level was .54. That seems a little high to me (.08 is illegal in most of the US), although their system might be different from anything I know.

When it seemed like things were starting to calm down and maybe we would be able to leave soon Pi Chi informed me that we now had to go into the police station to give statements and fill out forms. Apparently the hour and a half we spent in the middle of the street blocking traffic was just to determine if the situation warranted going inside to do the paperwork. The scene inside was no better than that outside. Instead of a bunch of angry drunks wandering around the street there were now a bunch of angry drunks crammed into a tiny police station. While one precinct officer filled out a form of Pi Chi’s version of the story another handled Scooter Joe’s side. Scooter Joe had changed his story a few times, but now he was sticking to the defense that he was crossing at the intersection when we hit him. I do not know if he could explain how his scooter managed to fall 10 meters or more before the intersection when the impact would have forced him in the opposite direction. If you have never driven Chinese-style you might find it odd that driving a scooter across a crosswalk would be used as a defense, but driving on crosswalks is so common here that it is probably not illegal even if it is.

While Precinct Officer Number One was taking Pi Chi’s statement one of Scooter Joe’s friends was trying to convince her not to sue. Angry Blue T-Shirt Guy had been replaced by a slightly younger, much calmer version. While this New Guy never yelled at or grabbed anybody I considered him more dangerous. He was sober, calculating, and had an agenda contrary to ours. In a civilized country the authorities keep parties separated to avoid potential conflicts and make life easier. Here anything goes. While New Guy was trying to talk Pi Chi out of doing anything he mentioned the hospital where she worked. She was surprised that he knew where she worked and asked Precinct Officer Number One how this could be. Precinct Officer Number One pointed to one of the computer monitors that had Pi Chi’s information for all the world to see. Pi Chi wanted me to photograph the monitor, showing that the police were doing absolutely nothing to safeguard her information. I naturally assumed that the police would not let me photograph their equipment in their station, and I know enough about Chinese culture to realize that safeguarding personal information is an alien concept. I got my camera out anyway and expected someone, anyone, to tell me to stop. No one did. I was free to photograph absolutely anything I wanted.

During the course of the questioning I went outside to check on Pi Chi’s car several times. When we all went inside she had parked it near the station, but too far away to see from inside. Since some of Scooter Joe’s friends were loitering outside and none of them were entirely rational I felt it prudent to make sure that they were not vandalizing her car. I knew that if they did the police would do nothing. Just outside of the station door some of Scooter Joe’s friends were sitting in a van so I photographed it and its license plate. The van soon drove away. During one of my outings to the car I noticed that some of Scooter Joe’s friends were walking toward the station, away from her car. I went inside and told Pi Chi that I would be staying with the car from this point on. While I walked out to her car one of the police officers followed me. I have no idea why. He was certainly too lazy to be my protection. He watched as I inspected her car for damage and then wanted me to go back to the station. I told him that I was going nowhere as long as this car was vulnerable and those people were wandering around. I said this in English, but with the proper hand signals I think he may have understood me. He soon left and returned with Pi Chi. She told me that we could move the car in front of the station. That did not seem like much protection to me since these police are lazy enough to just sit and watch as someone destroys a car, so I had Pi Chi park directly in front of the door. Again, the police are too lazy to tell us to move it or give us a ticket.

After about an eternity it seemed like things were starting to wrap up. Precinct Officer Number One was getting all of his papers together and seemed to be finished. I asked Pi Chi if we were done and she told me that now we had to talk to the traffic police. I expressed my confusion as to why we were being questioned by the police for about two hours for a minor traffic accident and the drunk driver who caused the accident was not in a jail cell. Pi Chi told me that he would not be going to jail. Despite driving recklessly and causing an accident, despite wasting so much of so many people’s time, despite the fact that he was drunker than a televangelist on election night, he was not going to be arrested. Apparently driving drunk is perfectly legal here. The issue was not that he was driving drunk and could have killed someone. The only reason the police were involved was because there was property damage.

While Pi Chi was answering all the same questions with Traffic Cop Number One, Scooter Joe was in his corner answering questions with another traffic cop. The difference between Precinct Officer Number One and Traffic Cop Number One was that Precinct Officer Number One wrote everything down on pieces of paper whereas Traffic Cop Number One used a computer. I thought the use of technology might speed up the process and I was hopeful until I saw how Traffic Cop Number One typed. While most of us use multiple fingers (I use seven for some reason), Traffic Cop Number One typed with just one. The last time I was tested years ago I typed about 75 words per minute. My unofficial calculation was that he typed about one word per hour. It did not help that he stopped many, many, many, many, many times. He stopped typing the report to talk to other officers. He stopped typing the report to have a cigarette. Indoors, of course. He stopped typing to use the restroom. He stopped typing to argue with New Guy. Long after this had all stopped being amusing I implored Traffic Officer Number One to finish the report and argue with whoever the hell he wanted to argue with later. I pointed out that I could type it up faster, and I cannot type in Chinese. During the course of the evening I said quite a few things that I would never be stupid enough to say in an American police station. It was not the language barrier that dissuaded my self-censorship, but my knowledge that Chinese police are so lazy and so inept that one can violently grab them on the street without repercussion.

Eventually Traffic Cop Number One gave up and let Pi Chi type up the police report. I like to think it was my aggressive complaining, but the real reason was probably something baffling and unheard of in civilized countries. Why is irrelevant, but now Pi Chi, a civilian, was typing the official police report of a traffic accident in which she was involved. A bad idea? Definitely. Blatantly illegal? Probably. But it sped up the process considerably. Meanwhile Traffic Cop Number One was outside with some of his colleagues and Scooter Joe’s friends having a smoke and a good old time. As I watched the sun rise Pi Chi was just finishing what it took a “professional” hours to begin.



Pi Chi typing the police report

At 5:45am we left the police station and began our weekend holiday. So much for sleep. I had only been awake for about 24 hours at this point and knew from experience that I would be getting very little sleep over the next two days.

The drunk driver who started it all was not imprisoned, nor did he lose his license or his scooter. He was fined NT48,000 (about US$1,500). Although he did have to sit in the police station as long as we did and it probably took a lot out of him as the alcohol wore off. His hostile friend who threatened Pi Chi and assaulted a police officer went home with no repercussions whatsoever. We do not yet know how much it will cost to fix Pi Chi’s car, but I am certain we will have to pay for everything.

The people who pissed me off the most in this situation were the police. Scooter Joe did not bother me, although he is a drunk driver and should be made to suffer terribly. Angry Blue T-Shirt Guy was an asshole who said and did things that one really need not say or do to strangers in public, but it was probably all just that typical suppressed Chinese hostility. The police, however, are supposed to be professionals. They work an eight hour shift and it takes them half of that time to type up a simple accident report. What happens when someone is murdered. The best advice I can give to anyone who is in a traffic accident around here is to flee the scene as soon as possible. If you are in any situation that would normally require police assistance, resist your urge to seek out the authorities. Chinese police are more useless than a vestigial tube of cecum and take longer to excise. And they smell worse.  



Scooter Joe. Drunk driver and all around idiot.

My Experience With Chinese Police

I was finally pulled over by the police. Flagged over, really. The police here do not ride around in their tiny cars and patrol neighborhoods. They stand around next to their parked cars and wave their tiny red flags at random passing cars. Sometimes they simply sleep in their cars. In a land not known for televised high speed chases (I bet they would love them, though), drivers actually stop when flagged. It would probably not be all that difficult to speed away since the police cars are parked and turned off. To the best of my knowledge, which is far from perspicacious on a good day, the police fill their quotas by pulling over as many cars as needed. The fact that the driver may not have committed any actual infraction is irrelevant.  

This, I believe, is the main reason these people drive like assholes. They figure, most likely, that since they are going to be fined for doing nothing, they might as well break as many laws as possible while on the road. The fact that the police do not patrol the roads does not help. They really should. Chinese drivers are the worst in the world. I have driven the 405 freeway in Los Angeles, the Beltway in Washington, DC, and the Holland Tunnel in New York. None of those experiences can compare with the Chinese. The stereotype that Asians are bad drivers begins here.

There are apparently laws governing highway conduct, but they seem to be taken as merely suggestions. In most of the world, a red light means stop and a green light means go. Here the colors of the lights are wholly irrelevant. I cannot think of a single place where there is a stop, yield, or merge sign. It would be pointless to post one anyway. I have been driving these streets for a little over a year and I have no idea what the speed limit is at any given location. I doubt anyone else knows either.

In California, and possibly other states, if a driver enters the freeway from the wrong side of the road, it might get mentioned on the local news, especially if people die and there is footage. Here, driving on either side of the road is perfectly acceptable. I am pretty sure one is supposed to drive on the right side, but again, that is merely a suggestion. Larger roads have lines painted down the center, but I think those are probably just for decoration. They give drivers something to look at besides the radio dial.

Anyone who lives in any large city can tell you that parking is a hassle. They have solved that problem here quite effectively. People park literally wherever the hell they want. Double and triple parking is not much of an issue when you have cars parked in the dead center of the lane. I saw someone park their car in the middle of the road, perpendicular to the road, and I was actually surprised. I must have been new.

When The Man flagged me over, I was doing nothing wrong, but again, what is the difference. They were parked where the road turns. I was planning on speeding (maybe) once the road straightened out, but they got to me before I could. After I stopped, one of them told me to get out of the car. As far as I know. In the US, when the police tell you to get out of your car there is trouble afoot. It might be standard practice here. I have seen many people pulled over next to police cars and they are always out of their cars.

As soon as I got out of the car, Tiny Chinese Cop #1 told his partner that I was American. This annoyed me. I am American, but it seems stupid for them to assume all white people here are American. An overwhelming majority are Canadian. Americans are a distant fourth. They tend to assume that all things Canadian, Australian, South African, and British are American. This is flawed thinking. They also think anything written in any romanized alphabet is English. Het Nederlands ist Engels niet.

The tiny cops spoke not a single word of English and my Chinese is limited to ordering food and the occasional sexual reference, neither of which seemed all that appropriate in this situation. Tiny Chinese Cop #1 asked to see my driver’s license. I knew that is what he wanted, obviously, but I acted like I did not. This seemed to me the best course of action since I do not have a local driver’s license. I do not even have an international driver’s license. I do not even have a current driver’s license from wherever I am from. The story behind that is unsatisfyingly tedious. Not that it matters here. I am a licensed driver. I just have no laminated card to prove it. This is the reason I do not have an international driver’s license. I could try to get one with my expired license, and it would probably work, but I have not done so.

Tiny Chinese Cop #1 was quite persistent in seeing my non-existent local license. The one that would allow me to legally drive in his country. He made a few hand gestures, some of which were rather nonsensical, and he pointed to the license plate on the car. I am not sure why. In English, “driver’s license” and “license plate” both use the word license. In Chinese they are probably completely different words.  

Eventually Tiny Chinese Cop #2 approached the scene and pulled out his driver’s license. I was shocked. This was the first time I had actually witnessed a Chinese person exhibit common sense. As impressed as I was by his ability to accomplish simple tasks with a basic level of competency, I had to let the man down. I told him that I left it at home and pointed randomly in the distance. Not that he had any idea what I was saying. I would have shown them some other form of meaningless identification, but all I had on me at the time was my RT Mart card, and I would have to be Chinese to think that that is what they wanted to see. That card is in someone else’s name anyway. A woman’s name no less. But I use it all the time.

As expected, they gave up and waved me along in frustration. To their credit they did try for several minutes. Had I had a license and had I shown it to them I would probably now be faced with a fine for not eating eel rectum while driving. Or something equally stupid. But then at least I could try to fight it in court. Now that would be fun.