Easy your life.

Update History

07 November 2012

The New Star Wars Movie

I got my hands on a copy of the new and highly anticipated Disney Star Wars movie. Disney is spending a lot of money to keep everything a secret, but the long arm of Disney corporate lawyers has never been successful in China. Disney bootlegs are everywhere, and English schools often use unlicensed Disney characters in their textbooks.

Much has been made of the fact that George Lucas sold the rights to the only thing worth a damn he ever did to Disney. But the suits at Disney know how to turn a profit. Every Star Wars fan’s fear that Disney will rape the franchise has come true, but at least some very rich people will make more money.

“Episode VII: Captial Gains and the Deferred Annuities”, directed by Chris Columbus, opens with a crawl that explains how new tax laws enacted after the assassination of the Emperor by his apprentice have made life difficult for Wookies, Ewoks and Droids, but have allowed humanoids to prosper, thus creating tension in the galaxy between the species.

Han Solo (Justin Bieber), who should probably change his name now that he is married, and Princess Leia (Kristin Stewart), no longer a princess, are putting their baby (CGI) to bed when it is revealed that their child has super Force powers. Instead of crying, it makes the cradle rock by itself and Forces the stuffed animals in the room to do an elaborate song and dance routine, written by those Phineas and Ferb people. If you look closely, you may notice that one of the dancing animals is a stuffed Nemo.

Meanwhile, on the planet Twit T’er, a new Sith master has emerged. Deng-Jow Ping (Vince Vaughn) hatches an evil plan to manipulate the creatures that are being heavily taxed and get them to rise up against the humans who never have to pay their fare share. He sends his padawan, To-Qen Blaque (Whoopi Goldberg), to the salt mines of M’Shellb Ackmen to shore up support. She then sings a ballad with her pet blistmok about how her boss, for whom she pines, never appreciates her.

On Dagobah, it is revealed that two other Jedi survived the Emperor’s purge and have since been living on the same planet as Yoda, though the two brothers were not aware of Yoda’s presence. The older brother, Katz (Jack Black) is mean and abusive to his younger brother, Jammer (Zach Galifianakis). After yet another argument over who is better at playing Lightsaber Hero, they sing a song and are joined by Yoda’s Ghost (CGI) at the end.

Luke Skywalker (Chris Colfer) is now teaching Jedi classes on Coruscant. After a grueling class with modern students who simply do not appreciate all that bullshit about midi-chlorians, R2-D2 (CGI) and C-3PO (CGI) join him in a song. Afterward, Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Ghost (Bradley Cooper) gives him some advice on dealing with shitty students.

There is a twenty minute sequence that takes place on Kashyyyk where Chewbacca (CGI) explains to his fellow Wookies why the new tax laws are unjust and must be abolished. All of the dialogue is in Shyriiwook with English subtitles.

After a long battle sequence with a lot of special effects and nothing else, Han, Leia and Luke meet up only to discover that they are on opposite sides of the battle. Luke, the liberal arts professor, is fighting with his creature friends while Han and Leia, a middle class couple, are on the side of corporate monied interests. Luke tells Han that even though he can no longer make the Kessel Run in twelve parsecs, he is still a rebel at heart and should fight for the little people. He tells Leia that life as a tax-free princess has sheltered her from the realities of low yield returns. A bunch of Ewoks (CGI) then sing a song.

Of course, this is exactly what Deng-Jow Ping wants, and now he has our heroes fighting on his side.

Until another special effects battle inexplicably reveals Ping’s plans to Luke via the Force. It is never made clear how this happened, but if you are a real fan you will simply accept it. After all, Greedo shot first.

When the good guys figure out what the bad guys are doing, there is another special effects battle. Luke kills Ping with his lightsaber after cutting off one of Ping’s hands, Leia convinces Blaque to join the good guys now that her boss/boyfriend has been brutally murdered, and Han is reunited with Chewbacca. Chewbacca then reveals that he is pregnant, setting the stage for something unnatural in the next movie.

Everyone sings the big musical number, including R2-D2 and Chewbacca, who sing their lines in their own languages. Even the ghosts of Yoda and Obi-Wan join in.

I cannot wait for Episode VIII.


Wookie Magic said...

What the fuck is this shit you tossin around?

Ken Berglund said...

I am actually looking forward to Episode VII because 1.) all the original lead cast members are returning (including Harrison Ford), 2.) Lawrence Kasdan is supposedly writing it, and 3.) George Lucas is not directing it.

美國人 said...

I am not sure I want to hear Harrison Ford sing Disney songs.

Ken Berglund said...

Harrison Ford returning to Star Wars was the biggest surprise to me. Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher obviously have nothing else going on, but Ford has been trashing Star Wars for years.

Most Frequently Used Labels

Most important for honor to making drive with eye close (7) How can it be an accident when they drive like assholes on purpose? (3) Let your family get their own dreams to the reality (3) Police don’t ask me how I feel – I feel fined (3) When you travel to a city with a rich culture and history try to visit its theme parks (3) And I ask myself why were there no strippers at my wedding (2) Get out the way old Dan Tucker (2) Holy Mother tramples the heads of the Earth fire dragon (2) I hate the fact that I need an electronic device in my life (2) I was tired of walking anyway (2) It is indeed like rain on your wedding cake (2) No colors were harmed in the taking of these photographs (2) What the Zagat guide doesn’t tell you (2) Why is not now if it fight? (2) And they don't even hold a grudge (1) Aucune couleur dans la fabrication de ces photgraphs n'a été blessée (1) Brother can you spare a thousand dimes (1) Castle Of The King Of The Birds (1) De Cultuur van Amsterdam is de belangrijkste van Nederland (1) Does one person really need 500 shoes? (1) Dorénavant je ne parlerai pas même Français (1) Everything I know about right and wrong I learned from M*A*S*H (1) From Genesis to Revelation in one run-on sentence (1) Hast du etwas Zeit für mich - Dann singe Ich ein Lied für dich von Wien und Österreich und das sowas von sowas kommt (1) He doesn't care too much for money since money can't buy him love (1) I am tired of typing tiny dirt farm village (1) I knew there was a reason I never go to Dallas (1) I participate in all your hostility to dogs and would readily join in any plan of exterminating the whole race. – Thomas Jefferson to Peter Minor 1811 (1) I think I saw Walt Disney’s frozen head in the popcorn line (1) If I were a half decent photographer anything I shot in Africa would make you say Great Mbleka - this place is awfuckingtastic (1) If Jesus exists then how come he never lived here (1) If Nelson Mandela exists then how come he never lived here? (1) If Rodney King lived here he’d still be alive today (1) If you wish to be starting some thing you have got to be starting some thing - I say if you wish to be starting some thing you have got to be starting some thing (1) If you’ve seen one crowded polluted stinking town… (1) It is make unluck to give a shit (1) It is super and strong to kill the wound dint (1) It’s actually a pretty enormous world after all (1) Keine Farben wurden im nehmen dieser Fotos geschädigt (1) Me no like (1) Most greatest blog post is ever was (1) NOT ALLOW (1) Never trust a man who can only spell a word one way (1) No humans were harmed in the taking of these photographs (1) Not counting the last one (1) Old people got no reason (1) Peace and easy feelings (1) Peter Brown never called me (1) Planes and trains and boats and buses characteristically evoke a common attitude of blue (1) Probably the best time I have ever had at one of my favorite places in the world (1) Red is the color that my baby wore and what's more it's true - yes it is (1) Slap tjips - jy maak my nou sommer lekker skraal mos (1) Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance (1) Suicide is Painless but booking trips at the last minute around here is a pain in the ass (1) The day the music died (1) The lingering acrid scent of $5 whores never impresses the little lady back home (1) The one about my first trip to Amsterdam which doesn’t really say anything about my first trip to Amsterdam (1) The woman who will be the mother of my illegitimate children just as soon as I get that time machine fixed (1) They might as well be dead when the rain comes (1) Think about how stupid the average person is and then realize that half of them are stupider than that (1) Those godless French bastards never once offered me any vodka (1) Tiny metal rods (1) To boldly be our guest a long long time ago where no man has gone before under the sea (1) Unfortunately to get to nature you have to go through civilization (1) We’ll kill the fatted calf tonight so stick around (1) What good is a used up world and how could it be worth having? (1) Who is this Red Rose that just walked in the she hot stuff (1) Why Julia Child never lived here (1) You make kill we make kill so all same ok (1) Your lateral cuneiform is full of eels (1) scenic Bali (1) spellcheck this (1)

All content © 2004-2013

myfreecopyright.com registered & protected

I have no qualms about disseminating creative works for the public benefit when the author is duly credited, but if you use any of the writing or photography contained herein and try to pass it off as yours, that just shows you are a big pussy who is too lazy to come up with your own word usements or shoot your own digital paintings. You should be ashamed of your dipshittery.