I got my hands on a copy of the new and highly anticipated Disney Star Wars movie. Disney is spending a lot of money to keep everything a secret, but the long arm of Disney corporate lawyers has never been successful in China. Disney bootlegs are everywhere, and English schools often use unlicensed Disney characters in their textbooks.
Much has been made of the fact that George Lucas sold the rights to the only thing worth a damn he ever did to Disney. But the suits at Disney know how to turn a profit. Every Star Wars fan’s fear that Disney will rape the franchise has come true, but at least some very rich people will make more money.
“Episode VII: Captial Gains and the Deferred Annuities”, directed by Chris Columbus, opens with a crawl that explains how new tax laws enacted after the assassination of the Emperor by his apprentice have made life difficult for Wookies, Ewoks and Droids, but have allowed humanoids to prosper, thus creating tension in the galaxy between the species.
Han Solo (Justin Bieber), who should probably change his name now that he is married, and Princess Leia (Kristin Stewart), no longer a princess, are putting their baby (CGI) to bed when it is revealed that their child has super Force powers. Instead of crying, it makes the cradle rock by itself and Forces the stuffed animals in the room to do an elaborate song and dance routine, written by those Phineas and Ferb people. If you look closely, you may notice that one of the dancing animals is a stuffed Nemo.
Meanwhile, on the planet Twit T’er, a new Sith master has emerged. Deng-Jow Ping (Vince Vaughn) hatches an evil plan to manipulate the creatures that are being heavily taxed and get them to rise up against the humans who never have to pay their fare share. He sends his padawan, To-Qen Blaque (Whoopi Goldberg), to the salt mines of M’Shellb Ackmen to shore up support. She then sings a ballad with her pet blistmok about how her boss, for whom she pines, never appreciates her.
On Dagobah, it is revealed that two other Jedi survived the Emperor’s purge and have since been living on the same planet as Yoda, though the two brothers were not aware of Yoda’s presence. The older brother, Katz (Jack Black) is mean and abusive to his younger brother, Jammer (Zach Galifianakis). After yet another argument over who is better at playing Lightsaber Hero, they sing a song and are joined by Yoda’s Ghost (CGI) at the end.
Luke Skywalker (Chris Colfer) is now teaching Jedi classes on Coruscant. After a grueling class with modern students who simply do not appreciate all that bullshit about midi-chlorians, R2-D2 (CGI) and C-3PO (CGI) join him in a song. Afterward, Obi-Wan Kenobi’s Ghost (Bradley Cooper) gives him some advice on dealing with shitty students.
There is a twenty minute sequence that takes place on Kashyyyk where Chewbacca (CGI) explains to his fellow Wookies why the new tax laws are unjust and must be abolished. All of the dialogue is in Shyriiwook with English subtitles.
After a long battle sequence with a lot of special effects and nothing else, Han, Leia and Luke meet up only to discover that they are on opposite sides of the battle. Luke, the liberal arts professor, is fighting with his creature friends while Han and Leia, a middle class couple, are on the side of corporate monied interests. Luke tells Han that even though he can no longer make the Kessel Run in twelve parsecs, he is still a rebel at heart and should fight for the little people. He tells Leia that life as a tax-free princess has sheltered her from the realities of low yield returns. A bunch of Ewoks (CGI) then sing a song.
Of course, this is exactly what Deng-Jow Ping wants, and now he has our heroes fighting on his side.
Until another special effects battle inexplicably reveals Ping’s plans to Luke via the Force. It is never made clear how this happened, but if you are a real fan you will simply accept it. After all, Greedo shot first.
When the good guys figure out what the bad guys are doing, there is another special effects battle. Luke kills Ping with his lightsaber after cutting off one of Ping’s hands, Leia convinces Blaque to join the good guys now that her boss/boyfriend has been brutally murdered, and Han is reunited with Chewbacca. Chewbacca then reveals that he is pregnant, setting the stage for something unnatural in the next movie.
Everyone sings the big musical number, including R2-D2 and Chewbacca, who sing their lines in their own languages. Even the ghosts of Yoda and Obi-Wan join in.
I cannot wait for Episode VIII.
Easy your life.
07 November 2012
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