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Update History

18 February 2006

KZ Mauthausen




Only the unloved hate; the unloved and the unnatural.
Charles Chaplin, The Great Dictator (1940)


Not very far from the quaint city of Linz is the smaller, more quaint, picture postcard town of Mauthausen.

Mauthausen is a beautiful patch of rural scenery and Austrian village charm. It is also an unforgiving place to build a slave labor camp. The summers are hot and stifling. The winters are painfully cold.

Linz is an easy city to find. Several train lines arrive from Vienna every day. Mauthausen is a little harder. They do not put it on the tourist maps and the locals are not all that keen in pointing it out. I had no idea how to get there when I got to Linz. I knew it was nearby but I did not know in which direction. I did not know if there were any trains or buses that went there from Linz or from anywhere else.

At the Linz train station I looked up the schedules but found nothing about Mauthausen. I then went to an information desk and quickly found that the kick ass Berlin/Bavarian German I had been using in Vienna was completely foreign to the people of Linz. After a long and cryptic conversation and much drawing on post-it notes I eventually found that there was a train that left Linz once a day, in ten minutes no less. It did not go to Mauthausen, but rather to some other quaint little town. From there I could catch a bus, probably the only bus of the day, to my destination. If I was lucky the one train and the one bus would have compatible schedules.

When I went to the ticket counter I had a solid eight minutes before the train was scheduled to depart. This being Austria, I knew it would leave on time. This was not the largest train station in the world, so I felt fairly certain that I could catch this train. That was until I saw the line at the ticket counter. I would be lucky to reach the front of the line in 20 minutes.

So I took a taxi.

When I got in the cab I told the driver I wanted to go to Mauthausen. He looked at me like the average American high school student taking a calculus exam. So I said, “KZ Mauthausen.” Nothing. “Todenlager.” Still nothing. Then I said “Juden” while sliding my finger across my neck. His face lit up and he said something that sounded like a cross between a ribald joke in Czech and what Kermit the Frog might sound like if he were gargling chloroform. I felt comfort in the knowledge that the universal symbol for killing transcends all language barriers.

After 30 minutes in this taxi I was beginning to hope that the driver actually knew where I wanted to go. While driving in a quaint little town that could have been Mauthausen or could have been Sakahattanee, Minnesota for all I knew, the driver made a few u-turns and changed course more than once. I was beginning to think that maybe he did not know where to go. He asked the one passing motorist we had seen in a good 15 minutes for directions and quickly assured me that everything was on track. Then he dropped me off at what might have been a bus station. This did not seem like a concentration camp to me, but what did I know. Maybe this was where one bought tickets. Maybe this was the starting point.

It was not.

Inside this tiny building was not much of anything. There was a counter with a window, so that seemed like a good place to start. There was also a sign on the window that told me that whoever worked there, if anybody, would be back in half an hour. If I was lucky. I saw no payphone anywhere nearby and there were no other patrons in the building. Things did not look promising.

I noticed that there was an actual human being somewhere behind that window. He was eating his lunch and was in no mood to be disturbed. As true as that may be, I was an American, and when my kind are stranded in the middle of nowhere with no means of communicating with the outside world we are bound to interrupt anyone we might see, regardless of whether they are on the clock or not.

He was not very helpful, but I was not going to take nein for an answer. Eventually I got him to point in the general direction of a phone. I thanked him for his assistance with a hearty, “Danke vielmals, Arschloch”. Outside, where it was just about as cold as it was inside, I looked in the direction of this mystery phone and saw nothing. I was about to go back inside and confront my nemesis when I noticed in the distance, down the hill, and really kind of far away there was indeed a payphone. I walked down the hill hoping that this phone worked and that I would not have to walk back up the hill.

Conveniently, the payphone was fully functional and there was a tiny business card in the booth with the number of a taxi service. When the voice on the other end answered with what sounded like vomiting noises, I told it (in English for some reason) that I needed a taxi. He asked me (in English) where I was. I told him that I was at the payphone near the bus or possibly train station. He told me to go back to the station and he would be there in 10 minutes. I really did not want to walk back up that hill so I asked him if he could just pick me up at the phone booth. If this had been New York that probably would not work. There are more than one or two phone booths in New York. But this being Mauthausen (possibly) I took a chance and figured this anonymous voice on the phone would know exactly where this particular phone was. Seven minutes later a taxi pulled up to my phone booth.

I asked the driver (the same voice on the phone) if he knew where the camp was. He assured me that he did, but so did the last taxi driver. As we drove up a winding road I could gradually see an imposing prison fortress. This was clearly it.

The driver asked me how long I would be. I told him I did not know. He then asked me if I wanted him to wait. I assumed he would keep the meter running so I said no. I figured I could get another taxi when I was ready to leave.

That was a mistake.


Roll Call and Barracks


After the Anschluss of Österreich, the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei declared the city of Linz a Führerstaat. It was to become a monument to National Socialism; a cultural metropolis worthy of representing the Vaterland. Or some such bullshit. Not far from Linz was a tiny village blessed with a mineral-rich quarry. In August 1938 prisoners from Konzentrationslager Dachau were transferred to the Wienergraben, where they were forced to build a granite fortress that would become the Materkampen for all of Österreich. Construction was paid for by what is now the second largest bank in Germany, the German Red Cross, and from the stolen savings and property of the slave laborers themselves. Though initially from KZ Dachau, people were eventually routed from death camps all over the Reich. Due to excessive overpopulation the first of the Gusen sub-camps was built in 1940. By November 1941, some three years and 1,600 dead forced laborers later, it was all but finished. By 1945 KZ Mauthausen had 49 satellite camps throughout Austria covering about as much land as Disney World in Florida.

Mauthausen was a slave labor camp. Rather than simply torture and kill everybody, most people were forced to work in the quarry, build tunnels and increase the production quotas for German manufacturers. Those who were forced to work outside worked from before sunrise to after sunset, regardless of weather. Those who were forced to work in the tunnels worked about 70 hours per week with little ventilation and no regard for safety.

Mauthausen had the largest concentration of political and ideological enemies to the Reich (excluding Jews). The death camp eventually held people from 30 different nations, including Austria, Czechoslovakia, Holland, the Soviet Union and Spain. Most prisoners were from Poland. Some were captured soldiers (mostly Russian), many were intellectuals, homosexuals and other undesirables. Between 1941 and 1943 there were 4,000 POWs, of which only 109 survived. The largest and most hated group were the Jews. Unlike soldiers or political prisoners they had no common nationality; they were imprisoned from all parts of Europe. Jewish slaves were routinely beaten and tortured by the Totenkopfverbände and Kameradenpolizei. Kapos were other prisoners, usually German or Austrian political prisoners or criminals. Life expectancy for Jews at Gusen was anywhere from a few weeks to mere days, and not much better for Russians. Not a single Jew is known to have survived the Gusen I and Gusen II camps between 1940 and 1944.

Mauthausen is often described as the worst of the death camps, although when you are being tortured and murdered they must all seem pretty bad. Even prisoners at KZ Auschwitz, the unquestioned leader in gas chamber murders, were terrified of being transferred to Mauthausen; a fact that delighted the Standartenführer. The gassings at Auschwitz were much more frequent and killed far more people, but the working conditions at Mauthausen were intolerably more severe. In 1941 Mauthausen was designated the only Category III camp in the entire Reich, “Rückkehr unerwünscht”. Mauthausen was a camp of no return. Slaves were transferred into Mauthausen almost daily. No one was ever transferred out to another camp.

Upon arrival, people were registered, categorized and segregated by nationality, religious or political affiliation, disinfected and issued prison clothing with precise efficiency. The disinfection process involved loading as many naked people as possible into a relatively small room where the door was locked behind them and the lights turned out. For people coming from other death camps this was the most frightening thing they could imagine up to this point, and the Totenkopfverbände knew it. Several survivor accounts mention laughter coming from outside of the chamber when the water was turned on. Once the captives were hosed down they were sprayed with disinfectant, often little more than rat poison. While they were mostly relieved that they had not just been gassed, many people were killed by the disinfection process alone.

Once registered, the threat of death was omnipresent. By the middle of the war most of the people sent to Mauthausen had already been in other camps in the East. Many were immediately chained to a stone wall at the camp’s entrance and forced to stand at attention for hours, and sometimes days, during which time most were brutally beaten or killed. Like all of the death camps, Mauthausen had rules, and punishment for breaking even the most bizarre rule could be extremely harsh. Discipline was arbitrarily enforced, and mostly received by Poles, Russians and Jews. Austrian political prisoners received the most favorable treatment and there is still resentment against them in some circles. But they were still prisoners in a death camp, forced into slave labor and under constant threat of death. The most logical reason for the Austrians’ better fortune, if logic can ever be applied to any of this, is that Austria provided more people to the Schutzstaffel than any other country within the Reich’s territory.

Aside from the usual beatings and shootings, a popular method of punishment was to hang people from trees, with their arms behind their backs. Not only was this excruciatingly painful, but often the victims were forgotten and left to slowly die. For target practice the Standartenführer regularly had his young son shoot at the slaves while they worked. Just for fun, about 150 new slaves (mostly Jews) were forced into the small washroom one day. There they were soaked in nearly boiling water and beaten with whips until their shredded skin hung loosely from their bodies.

Slaves were forced to mine the Wienergraben with archaic tools or their bare hands. Reichsführer Heinrich Himmler proudly called this Primitivbauweise. Before construction of the Gusen camps, people had to march 4km daily from Mauthausen to the quarries regardless of weather and with the barest of clothing. Most either wore wooden clogs, cloth shoes, or nothing on their feet at all. Special Treatment consisted of being forced to climb the 186 steps of the Wienergraben while carrying 50kg (about 110lbs) blocks of granite. Men regularly dropped the granite on themselves and anyone who happened to be nearby. Anyone unfortunate enough to be climbing the steps behind them would suffer the consequences of a 50kg block of granite meeting up with gravity. Anyone who dropped their stone and survived was brutally beaten, often to death. If they survived their beating they were forced up the steps again, more often than not with the heaviest stone available. People were regularly forced to run up and down the steps. Many were literally worked to death. For shits and giggles the Totenkopfverbände would sometimes wager on who would successfully reach the top. Those who did would then be forced to jump off the cliff to their deaths or were given the choice of taking a bullet in the head or pushing the person next to them off the cliff. This area was affectionately known as the Parachute Jump.

Death by forced labor was but one way to murder innocent human beings at Mauthausen. The tiny underground gas chamber below the infirmary (which was never completely built) could be loaded with about 120 victims at a time and filled with carbon monoxide. For a group as efficient as the Schutzstaffel this was a terribly inefficient method of mass murder. More people died from suffocation than gas inhalation and their bodies were often covered in blood and excrement, their eyes protruding from their heads. At least 10,000 people were murdered in the gas chamber between 1942 and 1945. To improve productivity the Schutzstaffel converted a railroad car into a gas chamber and murdered people during transport from the main Mauthausen camp to satellite Gusen camps. When it became clear that Mauthausen’s small gas chamber could not realistically meet demands, people were often transported to nearby Schloß Hartheim where a larger and more efficient gas chamber could murder more people in less time. Schloß Hartheim had previously been used to murder handicapped children. Somewhere between 30,000 and 1.5 million people from various camps were gassed at Hartheim.

Initially, the purpose of KZ Mauthausen was to house slave labor to mine the quarry. After satellite sub-camps were built, Mauthausen became the registration and distribution center for all of the death camps in Austria. Most people continued to labor in the Wienergraben, but “scientific” experimentation quickly became a high priority. Between 1940 and early 1944 Jews were forbidden to receive legitimate medical attention, as it could interfere with the research. As far as the Schutzstaffel was concerned Jews were perfect victims for experimentation since they were not legally human yet they had the same internal anatomy as proper Aryans. Mauthausen became a haven for doctors who probably enjoyed tearing apart small animals when they were children. At least one doctor specialised in tuberculosis, infecting hundreds of people for study, while other doctors specialized in typhus and cholera. One doctor bragged that his cholera infections killed at least 1,500 people, while another killed at least 1,000 people by removing parts of their brains while they were conscious to see how long they survived.

Doctors often removed tissue, organs and appendages from conscious victims and bottled them for classification. Mauthausen’s Pathological Museum contained 286 specimens of hearts, kidneys, lungs, skeletons, skulls, faces and heads. One doctor had two human heads on his desk as paperweights, starting a fashionable trend throughout the Reich. Anyone unlucky enough to have tattoos were skinned (while conscious, of course), the flesh sold as ornaments and decorations. Lamp shades made of human flesh were particularly popular. In 1944 several large crates of anatomical material were sent to the Schutzstaffel Medical Agency in Graz.

Between 1940 and 1942 sick and unfit people (meaning Jews and other undesirables) were often murdered by drowning in small tubs and barrels. An ever-inventive Schutzstaffel Hauptsturmführer devised an inexpensive way to murder people: Todebadeaktionen. Around 3,000 people were crammed under showers where the high pressure would tear their flesh and rip out what little hair they had left, and the severe cold would usually kill them within thirty minutes. If anyone failed to die they were left outside to die of hypothermia in the snow. Bodies were left frozen in ghastly positions, some with missing fingers, severed in a vain attempt to shield the water. Between 1940 and 1943 at least 4,000 people were drowned at Mauthausen.

In February 1945 Schutzstaffel doctors murdered about 420 Jewish children between the ages of 4 to 7 with heart injections. Death by heart injection was so popular among many Mauthausen doctors that between October 1941 and April 1945 they were administered twice per week. In 1942 alone, 1,300 Russians and Spaniards were murdered by heart injections.

Food and proper medical attention was never a priority in any of the death camps. The average weight of an ill slave at Mauthausen was 42kg (92lbs), the lowest recorded weight of an adult male was 28kg (less than 62lbs). Those who were too sick or too weak to work were placed in special barracks where they were given no food or whatever whatsoever. A common menu according to one survivor consisted of 12oz of soup extract or 12oz of fake coffee for breakfast, 25oz of turnip or potato stew (and maybe 20g of meat when available) and water for lunch, 300g of bread and 25g of sausage or margarine for dinner. On weekends they got a tablespoon of jam or curd cheese rather than sausage. On this diet they were expected to do manual labor for 70 hours per week.

There were anywhere from 15,000 to 30,000 children at Mauthausen. They were treated no differently from adults. Those who were strong enough to work did. Those who were too young to work were either killed at registration or saved for medical experiments. One survivor tells of a Totenkopfverbände taking a baby from its mother’s arms and smashing its head against a wall. Babies hidden in work bags and under clothes were routinely shot, often with whoever was holding them at the time. Children of German and Austrian political prisoners had a better chance at survival. They might be assigned to work as assistants to Kapos or even Totenkopfverbände, though they were still subject to beatings and rape. Younger children of Jews and Gypsies were assigned to clean latrines where they were stripped naked and forced to wade waist deep in extrement, removing the waste with buckets. Children were usually the first to die in each wave of typhus and pneumonia.

By the time the Wehrmacht realized they could never win the war the Totenkopfverbände resorted to the quickest methods for killing the most people. Ammunition was conserved for the front lines. Death camp slaves were deemed unworthy of receiving a bullet. On 23 April 1945 at least 600 people were beaten to death with shovels, axes and stones. Between January and April 1945 at least 40,000 people were beaten to death with rocks and their own work tools.

A Polish survivor who had been a doctor before the war later reported that the Schutzstaffel had 62 different ways of killing people at Mauthausen.


One of the smaller crematoria


Special Examination Room 1A



Mauthausen was liberated by the 41st Recon Squad, 11th Armored Division, 3rd US Army on 5 May 1945. When Reichsführer Heinrich Himmler ordered the mass execution of all remaining prisoners in March, some Polish, French and Russian prisoners formed a resistance army. Their defensive siege never came to be as most of the camp’s officers fled and only a token guard detachment of local police and fire fighters remained. By the time US troops arrived, prisoners had mostly taken control of the camp and several guards and kapos had already been lynched.

In seven years Mauthausen housed about 195,000 men, women and children. The Schutzstaffel murdered almost 150,000 of them. Of the more than 320,000 prisoners in all of the Mauthausen and Gusen camps, less than 80,000 survived. Only 68,874 of the dead can be identified through Schutzstaffel records, not including the thousands who died in American army hospitals after the camp was liberated. Exact figures of how many people were murdered or even how many were ever at Mauthausen are unknown because the Totenkopfverbände destroyed as many records as they could and Mauthausen received so many new prisoners, especially near the end of the war, that the usually efficient Schutzstaffel could not keep track of who they were murdering. Newer slaves were often given the same registration numbers as those who had already been murdered. One number could easily belong to multiple victims. And most of the people who were murdered immediately upon transfer or who died during the registration process were never registered. In April 1945 at least 8,000 Hungarians were shot or beaten to death during the registration process.

The US Army forced the local population to bury hundreds of corpses while local children were forced to watch. Mauthausen’s Standartenführer never admitted to any crimes. He even bragged that he “derived great sensual pleasure from personally hitting inmates”. He died while in custody after lengthy interrogation by US intelligence officers and his body was on public display for several days afterward. The official cause of his death is still in dispute. The Hauptsturmführer who invented Todebadeaktionen declared that the life of ill political prisoners and healthy Jews held absolutely no value for him. Almost every officer stationed at Mauthausen was eventually executed. Most were hanged in late May 1947. Instrumental in the prosecution were two prisoners, American OSS officer Lieutenant Jack Taylor and Polish engineer Simon Wiesenthal, both of whom went to great lengths to keep the memories of Mauthausen from being buried away.

The Mauthausen camps made a net profit of over US$2 million each year (US$26 million today) from the quarry, manufacturing, and renting out slaves to local construction projects and farms. Even though most locals claimed they never knew what was happening and failed to notice the daily shipments of thousands of people by train, truck and the occasional death march. Most of that money went directly to Berlin, but many German corporations saw their bank accounts swell from the use of slave labor, including auto manufacturer Steyr-Daimler-Puch (Mercedes, BMW and Volkswagen used slaves from other camps) and what is now Bayer, who not only profited from slave labor but also produced many of the chemicals used in the gas chambers and funded medical experiments for their own use. Most of these companies have avoided any responsibility for their actions. In 1998 Volkswagen admitted to using slave labor and agreed to pay reparations.



Prisoners being forced to climb the quarry steps
(Photograph copyright KZ Mauthausen Memorial)



Leftovers forgotten by the Schutzstaffel
(Photograph copyright Simon Wiesenthal Center)


Just walking up to KZ Mauthausen was an unbelievable experience. The parking lot where the taxi dropped me off is a short hike to the entrance. On one side is picturesque snow covered scenery (at least in winter) worthy of being in Austria. On the other side is a fortress where horrendous atrocities ocurred not that long ago.

When I arrived it was cold. I was wearing several layers of clothing, including gloves, scarf, wool hat and a very warm overcoat. It was still almost unbearable. Slaves at Mauthausen wore thin uniforms, often torn or incomplete. I could not imagine how they must have felt in such winters. It began to snow about halfway through my visit. Although it added an eerie beauty to the surroundings, the overall effect was just depressing. It all seemed appropriate.

Other than a woman working in the ticket booth (which used to be a guardpost), the entire place was completely deserted. Winter is not the most popular time to visit but it is probably the best. After I walked through the main gate where slaves used to pass every day on their way to the Wienergraben, and where new slaves were chained to the wall, I entered one of the barracks. It was a small rectangular room made of wood, with small glass windows, some boarded up with wooden planks. The room was completely empty except for me and the knowledge that thousands of people waited for their death in here. With every step I took the floors creaked like a bad horror movie. Other barracks had frames of bunkbeds or small tables with a chair or two.

Outside, I walked the length of the roll call grounds, where snow had been shoveled into piles in the center. At the far end of the grounds I noticed a small smokestack piercing out of one of the buildings. I did not need any visitor’s map to know exactly what it was. I entered the building that housed the crematorium and found myself in a museum. It was pretty much what one might expect of a death camp museum, only much more depressing. Among the displays was a 50kg block of granite and a wooden device designed to hold it on a slave’s back. Reading about a 50kg block of granite is one thing, but actually seeing one leaves no doubt just how heavy it is. There is no way I would have survived a single trip up the steps with one of these.

There were arrows telling me where to go, and I was soon headed downstairs. Once underground, the wooden walls were replaced with concrete and there were, of course, no windows. The arrows were slightly misleading, often leading to dead ends or contradicting themselves. I do not know if that was done on purpose, perhaps to disorient visitors in some effort to give them a sense of the experience, but I chose to ignore the arrows and followed my own path. Soon I was in a very small room with a single concrete table with brick legs. There was a thin groove running the length of the table with a small hole that cut through. This was for draining fluids. Next to the table was a small bucket. This was for collecting body parts. There was a small window in the room, from which the doctors could periodically glance at the scenery while torturing people. I had thought I was underground, but half of this room stood above ground level.

After walking through a corridor I found myself in another small room. This one had no window, just a single brick oven with a small stretcher perched inside. On the stretcher was a lit candle. This could hardly be the sole crematorium. It would take a long time to burn thousands of people in this, whether they were dead or alive. In another room I found a larger crematorium, capable of burning two people at a time. A wall next to it had been turned into a small memorial with photographs and plaques dedicated to hundreds of people. The room was surprisingly bright with several windows letting light onto the ovens.

Walking beyond a very dark and empty corridor, I came to a large metal door with a small window. Looking through the window I saw a tiny room with tile walls and large plumbing. When I opened the door I did not need the sign that read “Gaskammer” to know where I was. I could not believe how small this room was. I did not see how it was physically possible to fit 120 people inside. Hanging from the wooden ceiling were pipes with small sprinkler heads and a single lightbulb. As if the room was not depressing enough, scratch marks from human hands could be seen in the ceiling. I hated being in this room. I was feeling nauseous and needed some fresh air, no matter how cold it was outside.

When I got outside I was nowhere near where I had started. The underground rooms and corridors led from beneath the Standartenführer’s office (which was the nicest building in the entire complex) to the kitchen to the laundry. Four buildings that were not connected at ground level had a maze of death and torture underneath. Outside, the snowfall was heavier than before. They sky was much darker. It was only going to get worse.

I visited the Wienergraben, but under a blanket of snow it did not look as imposing as it should. This was where thousands of people died, but it just looked like a snow-covered hillside. The path from the main gate to the Wienergraben is now a small park where several nations have provided monuments to those of their country who were murdered at Mauthausen.

After I had about as much as I could stand, I went to the ticket booth and asked the woman if she could call me a taxi. She made a quick phone call and said one would arrive in ten minutes. I looked around the front gate and the monument park some more and marveled at how such an evil place could be in the middle of such idyllic scenery. But it was cold and I was ready to leave. I walked down to the parking lot and waited in the snow.

And waited.

And waited some more.

Eventually I hiked my way back to the ticket booth and asked the woman if she could call someone else. My impression was that whomever she called was probably not the best choice. She made another quick phone call and told me that a taxi would arrive in ten minutes. I had already heard this song, but I gradually made my way back down to the parking lot anyway.

Standing in the empty parking lot, with snow and wind assaulting me and the sky getting darker by the minute, I was not happy. Then it occurred to me where I was. I was not likely to be murdered. I probably would not be tortured. No one was forcing me to do manual labor. There was no one anywhere near me with a gun. Other than a lack of transportation, I had complete freedom. I was at a memorial to hundreds of thousands of people who were systematically tortured and murdered by homocidal sociopaths, but I was unhappy because I had to wait for a taxi.

Genocide has a way of putting things into perspective.

Sooner or later, but more like later, I saw a car approaching up the hill. Of course, it was the same driver who brought me here. He asked me where I wanted to go. It had taken a good 15 to 20 minutes to get here from the Mauthausen bus/train station and another 30 minutes to get to the station from Linz. Not wanting to return the same way I had arrived, but dreading an almost hour long cab ride, I asked him how long it would take to get to Linz. He said 30 minutes.

Twenty minutes later I was at the Linz train station.





08 February 2006

Wien, Österreich



Not long after I returned from Africa I decided that my next New Year vacation would have to be in Europe. This gravy train cannot last forever, and I want to visit a civilized place at least one more time while I still have the chance. I was undecided where to go specifically and did not worry about it until it was time to actually make some plans.

After I went to Bangkok I knew that Pi Chi and I should go to Paris. The reason for this will be discussed later. I also knew that while I would have a good three weeks vacation, Pi Chi would be lucky to get a full seven days. We decided to spend all of her week in Paris, but I did not want to stay there for three weeks since that would likely be on the expensive side. Paris ain’t Albuquerque. There are plenty of other places in Europe worth seeing. I considered warmer locations like Spain and Italy, but they are expensive even during the winter. Probably because they are the warmer locations. I thought about the least expensive places, like Berlin and Prague. Prague is supposed to be exceptionally beautiful in winter. It is also exceptionally cold. I knew I did not want the weather to plan my trip and I knew that I did not want to go to too many different areas. Spending a day or two in one city and then moving on is a popular activity in Europe, and a great way to not actually experience anything.

At this point I knew that I would be spending a romantic week in Paris and a less than romantic time at a concentration camp. The two camps with which I am most familiar are Auschwitz and Mauthausen. Auschwitz is the far more famous and popular tourist destination, if it can be called that, but it is also in the middle of Poland which was, at the time, in the middle of a record breaking freeze. Mauthausen is in Austria; no stranger to cold, but no Poland either. And any time of the year I would much rather see Austria than Poland. So I decided to spend a few days in Vienna, go to Mauthhausen, and then gradually make my way to Paris. This is where things got interesting.

Booking a plane ticket that arrives at one destination (Vienna) and departs from another destination (Paris) is not that difficult. The airline industry calls that an open jaw ticket. It is then assumed that the passenger will find independent transportation from point B to point C. This being Europe, I knew that would not be a problem. What was a problem was that the local Chinese travel agents know nothing about open jaw tickets and actually told me that this type of travel is impossible. I assured them it was not. Their point of view was that since they were travel agents they knew better. My point of view was that since I used to work for an airline and actually arranged more than a few open jaw pairings for more than a few pilots I knew better. Our disagreement was moot since matters were complicated with the addition of Pi Chi. She would be flying to Paris two weeks later and we wanted to return together. Just for fun, most airlines as a rule want at least one of the passengers to have the same name as the name on the credit card that purchased the ticket. Since we were departing on separate flights, this meant that her name on her credit card would probably not be the same as my name on my ticket. Since I have no credit card, it seemed only prudent to use hers.

Essentially, purchasing the tickets with a credit card was not an option. Getting the tickets through a local travel agent did not look too appealing either. Most of the travel agents who were willing to talk to me said that it was impossible. The Chinese love to tell you that things are impossible. When I first moved here I wanted to get a real mattress rather than sleep on one of those rollaway mats. I was told that would be impossible. It was not. When locals ask me how tall I am, and this comes up quite a bit, and I tell them, they tell me that my height is impossible. Yet every professional American basketball player is taller. I often wonder how they ever accomplished anything with such a negative attitude. The two travel agents who were willing to make at least some attempt could not get us what we wanted. One of them wanted us to take connecting flights to Vietnam. I had no problem with connecting flights, especially since there are no direct flights from here to there, but I would need a visa merely to land in Vietnam, and it was probably already too late to fumble through the paperwork in time. The agent was also unsure if we would both be on the same return flight. She would have to get back to me on that. She never did. The other travel agent actually was able to book my impossible open jaw ticket, although he said it was difficult and more expensive, and he even booked us both on the same return flight. I had finally found a travel agent who understood what I wanted. Unfortunately, he said the tickets would cost about US$6,000. This seemed a tad pricey for two last class plane tickets. The high quote, he claimed, was because of my impossible open jaw ticket. Since the price cycle was due to change at the beginning of January, he said that we could wait and see what the new prices were. The downside was that if the price was higher there would be no way to take the lower price. Also, I was supposed to leave January 18, and I thought that I might want to have something booked before then.

Naturally, on the internet I found plenty of open jaw tickets that were far lower than the prices I had been quoted, and getting Pi Chi and I on the same return flight was simply a matter of calculation. However, the credit card problem still existed and airlines and websites that sell tickets have a thing for credit cards. I looked around for other payment options, but everyone wanted a credit card. Finally I wrote e-mail to the three airlines that fly from where we are to where we wanted to go and explained the dilemma. Only two bothered to write back. Singapore Airlines was the one that did not. Eva Air said that they would love to have my money, but that they only sell tickets via a credit card. About a week later KLM told me that they could easily book me on any number of open jaw flights and that getting us on the same return flight was no problem. Also, they would be quite happy to take a bank wire transfer or international money order. An additional e-mail the next day gave me all the details I needed to make the wire transfer, and within three days everything was booked and paid for. As it turned out, my impossible open jaw ticket was actually less expensive than Pi Chi’s standard ticket.

Now all I had to do was figure out where to go between Vienna and Paris.


Hafnersteig


Before this trip, if someone had asked me which language I knew more, I would have chosen French over German. Although I took more German classes in school, I have always felt that I knew more French. I was wrong.

In Vienna I checked into my hotel auf Deutsch. The front desk clerk and I had the usual reception conversation in German, as well as something about the speed limit of vomiting (erbrechend Geschwindigkeitsbeschränkung?) and we both generally understood each other. On the streets of Vienna I spoke to shopkeepers and the like in German. “Darf ich Ihre Aufmerksamkeit auf der Ziegenhirt mit Aufsatz lenken?” Now that I was out of Asia people just assumed that I spoke their language. My most amusing international moment came when an American (I have decided) tried to ask me for directions in broken German. I eventually understood where he wanted to go and I knew exactly where it was. We were on Kämtnerstraße, not too far from the Staatsoper. He was looking for St Stephensplatz. Obviously if he just kept walking forward he would hit it. While he was butchering the vocabulary and ignoring all rules of grammar, I did not bother to point out that I could speak English with a fair degree of proficiency. When I told him how to get where he wanted to go he looked at me pretty much the way my Chinese students do when I conjugate verbs. (The point being that verbs are not conjugated in Chinese, so it is a completely alien concept for them to learn). I then pointed in the right direction. If he kept walking that way he should not miss it. After he thanked me and walked away, I saw him approach someone else. Hopefully someone more helpful.

I was getting a little proud of myself until I had a conversation with the hotel’s front desk clerk about the city’s underground system. We reached a point where my only response was, in English, “You got me there.” To this the clerk was surprised.

“You speak English.” She announced in disbelief.

“More or less.” I responded.

“I thought you were from Bavaria.” This was odd since I thought I was speaking proper Berlin German. Apparently my proper Berlinerisch has a heavy Bavarian accent for some reason.

“No.” I replied. “I live with Chinese.” This pretty much killed the conversation, but I did get the underground information I needed.


Stephensplatz am Graben


None of the Vienna U-Bahn lines that I rode actually went underground. Some of them were rather elevated. But they were all very cheap and incredibly efficient. My first “underground” trip was on a Saturday. While I was at the station trying to figure out their particular fare payment system I noticed that other people were simply heading toward their trains without cash, card, or any other obvious method of payment. I chose to follow suit. If some official should ask me why I did not pay I could simply claim ignorance. Once you tell people you are American they never question your ignorance.

I decided that the U-Bahn was free on Saturdays. Neither myself nor anyone around me was paying anything in any way to ride these trains. This seemed like a pretty good deal, but this left me with the need to figure out the system the next day. The next day came and went and I had still paid nothing. Clearly the U-Bahn was free on weekends. Or probably not. The entire time I was in Vienna I paid absolutely nothing to ride, on any day. It seems unlikely that this is a free service. More likely I was doing it wrong. But there were no turnstiles or any other barricades to keep us cheapskates out. If they use the honor system they are far more trusting than any other transit system I have ever seen.


Hofburg


I do not mean to generalize, but Europeans are just better at everything than Asians. The trains are on time. Many of the stops in Vienna have signs displaying exactly when the next train will arrive, and it is accurate. I take a round trip train ride at home once a week. I have ridden Chinese trains on about 64,000 occasions. It was on time once. Comparing the cleanliness of European trains versus Asian trains is like comparing something very clean with something very dirty. Plus, Chinese trains cost money. Viennese trains are free. Although probably not.

Then there is the culture. Every culture has its own culture and there is something to be found in all of them, blah, blah, blah. But Europe has Culture. The nearest museum to my home is an inefficient three hour train ride away. Museums here are not really what I would consider world class. Maybe the rice museum, the bamboo museum, and the lantern museum are interesting for a full 30 seconds, but they cannot compare to Amsterdam’s Rijksmuseum or Paris’ Louvre. Some would say it is not a fair comparison. I would say that is my point.

Let us say for some strange reason I or my neighbors want to go to the opera or see a symphony. I can think of two cities where that is even possible, and there is probably a reason you have never heard of the Happy Fun Chopstick Orchestra. Now say someone in Vienna wants to see an opera. They have one or two opera houses and a symphonic concert hall here and there. In fact, I do believe a composer or two might have actually been to Vienna once. I am not being fair, you say. Surely the Chinese have their own version of music, art and culture. I simply am not giving it a chance because it is so different. Well, yes and no. Of course there is Chinese music and art, and yes everything about the culture is different. But I am neither exaggerating nor being facetious when I say that the idea of a cultured night out to the people around me is getting shit faced at the local KTV and maybe seeing a puppet show.

Through no fault of my own 27 January 2006 just happens to be Mozart’s 250th birthday. Both Salzburg and Vienna (and indeed many other cities) planned major celebratory events. Among other things, Salzburg planned to perform 22 operas, 55 masses and 260 concerts. I had no plans to go to Salzburg, and since most of the big events would not begin until after I left Austria, I saw no reason to make the effort. Not to be outdone, Vienna decided to restore and reopen the house on Domgasse where Mozart lived most of his time in Vienna and wrote many of his most famous works. The Nationalbibliothek announced that it would display the original handwritten score to his “Requiem”. Along with a major increase in concerts, they also decided to litter the city with more information about Mozart than anyone really needs to know, such as the fact that he was alive for 13,097 days. The only problem with all of this was that most of everything was to begin in the summer, long after I was gone, and almost nothing began before 27 January, the day after I was scheduled to be in Paris. I could have delayed my arrival in Paris, but the hotel was already paid for and I wanted to be there before Pi Chi. I would have to settle for a single outstanding performance of his Concerto in Eb for Piano No 14 (KV449) and Symphony in Gm No 40 (KV550) by the Wiener Philharmoniker with Leif Ove Andsnes on piano. I have nothing against Chinese puppet shows per se, but this was so much better.

And then there is the food. Some people love Chinese food. Or at least whatever version of Chinese food is available to them. I can take it or leave it. There is enough I can do with it to survive, but my Chinese experience has certainly not been a rich one, culinarily. I love Thai food (Thai and American) and Japanese food (best in Japan). I can even deal with some Indonesian food. But real Chinese food has never really appealed to me. I prefer American Chinese food, which has little to do with Chinese Chinese food. Eating is not something I do a great deal of at home anyway. I never eat breakfast. Unless the first meal of the day is breakfast regardless of when it is eaten. Some days I do not eat dinner. Not because of any logistical concerns and certainly not because food here is too expensive. Far from it. When I choose not to eat it is because I simply have no desire to eat. I neither live to eat nor eat to live. I mostly eat when I remember that I probably should.

Although it did not happen, I actually thought I was gaining weight in Vienna. I ate like a fallen Weight Watcher at the Bellaggio buffet. There was just so much good food, and such variety. At home we have rice or noodles, with different vegetables depending on how much one chooses to live it up. There are many ways to cook rice or noodles, but at the end of the day it is still just rice or noodles. Vienna probably had rice, and I am almost certain there was some form of noodle, but I saw none of that. I ate bread. Real bread. Not this Chinese crap with bean paste or some kind of jelly substance hidden inside. I ate plenty of pasta. Not noodles. Tortellini, penne, ravioli, manicotti, fettucini. The Chinese word for spaghetti literally means Italian noodle. To the Chinese, pasta is spaghetti. Fortunately in Europe, pasta is a wide variety of milled goodness.

I had a little pizza as well. My last real pizza had been in Africa, about a year earlier. I had been in the mood for pizza for about 10 months. I think I might have eaten pizza at least once a day every day I was in Vienna. And it was even better than Africa. Most of the pizza places I went to in Vienna were operated by Italians, or at least hairy people who yell at each other in Italian. In between their shouting competitions and quantitative alcoholic consumption, they made a mighty fine pizza. New York pizza is still the best in the world as far as I am concerned, but Vienna pizza comes a pretty close second. And that is a serious compliment.


Maria Theresienplatz


Vienna is an exceptional city. My original plan was to spend three or four days in Vienna, a few days somewhere else, and the remainder of the trip in Paris. On my first day in Vienna I decided to simply spend the entire time there until I was due to go to Paris. There is plenty to see and do, and my hotel was cheap enough that I could extend my stay without undue hardship. I stayed at the Hotel Kärntnerhof. I do not generally like to give out free advertising, but if I ever go back I want the same hotel, and this is as good a way to remember it as any.

This was a perfect hotel for a first trip to Vienna. It is on the tiny, very quiet Grashofgasse, within the Innere Stadt and very close to pretty much everything. This is not a popular tourist hotel, although it is a very short walk through a quiet residential neighborhood to where the tourists want to be. It is also close to some excellent restaurants that most of the tourists will never know about when they stay at the larger hotels on the larger streets. The cheapest rooms are very small, but the bed was very comfortable and the pillows were the best I have seen anywhere. My only complaint about the hotel was that there was no refrigerator in the room. This is a common problem in Europe. They seem to assume that since every hotel is surrounded by more than enough places to find food and drinks refrigerators are unnecessary. But I like cold drinks at unsightly hours and I like to be able to get one without taking off my fuzzy bunny slippers and putting on my shoes. This issue was easily resolved at the Kärntnerhof as it had an old fashioned double window situation where I could put drinks outside the window and still keep them inside. This worked well since it was colder than death outside.

And that brings us to the only insurmountable problem with this trip. It was just too cold. At home I get cold when it dips to 15 degrees. That is not really that cold, but after a 10 month summer of 30 to 35 degrees and unbearable humidity, it seems cold. I spent the first day in Vienna just walking around. Vienna is the kind of city where one can walk endlessly through narrow alleys and winding boulevards and never get lost. I had assumed that I would take a photograph or two on my walk, but it turns out my good camera (not technically my best camera, but the one I prefer) has issues with the cold. After taking a good two or three shots the camera said nein. I spent the rest of my time in Vienna (and throughout most of the trip) using my technically better (though not my favorite) camera wrapped inside a wool sock. As long as I turned the camera off after each shot and kept it inside the sock as much as possible the battery stayed alive, although on life support and begging me to sign a DNR.

When I arrived in Vienna the sky was solid gray and it was 3 degrees. I was cold. The clouds eventually went their separate ways and by the time I left, the sky was solid blue. Unfortunately, it had then reached –15 degrees. I was very cold. The Russian cold front that was killing people in Moscow was gradually making its way west. The weather was expected to get even colder in Vienna. As I walked from the greatest grocery store in the world and turned from Graben to Habsburgergasse, a blast of freezing wind shot through my head like a CIA bullet through a Kennedy. As much as I wanted to stay in Vienna, I decided it was time to move on.


This is just wrong.


Volksgarten



07 December 2005

My New Kitchen

I have a stove now. Before anyone feels inclined to harbor enraged jealousy I should point out that I also now have a kitchen sink. It is not actually in the kitchen, but I feel no need to meddle with semantics.

About a year ago I decided to get my own apartment. My employers own the house in which I have been living the past two years. While paying no rent is nice, there are inconveniences to having my job, home, transportation and most of my translation services controlled by the same people, ranging from mild to just plain irritating. One day I casually decided that it was time to branch out.

Finding a place to live in a tiny, racist farm community that distrusts educators in general and foreigners in particular and where I can speak five words of the language is not as easy as it sounds. I thought it might be wise to enlist the assistance of Boss Lady, but she was personally offended that I wanted to move off of her property. The foreign teacher whom I replaced lived here (for a full few months before quitting), as did his predecessor. Every foreign teacher this school has ever had has lived here, except the school’s first teacher who lived with the bosses in their house. I can only imagine what a living hell that must have been. That teacher quit after two months.  

Boss Lady could not understand why I would want to live elsewhere. So I gave her a list. Probably not the smartest move. One of my complaints was that this house has no real kitchen. There is a room that I like to call a kitchen, but other than a refrigerator there was no way to identify it as a kitchen. It had no sink, stove, or little black roach motels. I have a small electric hot plate, but only one pan can be heated at a time and it takes about a year to boil an egg. I am a foreigner. I have met Phil Collins. I deserve a kitchen. My quest soon became to find a place with a kitchen.

A little known fact about this town is that there are no apartments. It is not that there are no apartments available. Apartments simply do not exist here. But there are houses. Lots of them. I recently found out from a moderately reliable source that the population of my town is 2,000, including all the outlying farms that seem to just go on endlessly. Not only do all of those people live in houses, but many people who originated here and now live in larger cities still own houses here. Many of those houses are empty. It is customary to own property in one’s hometown regardless of where one now lives or even if one never intends to set one’s foot in the dump again. Curiously, people who own houses here do not generally like the idea of renting it out to a foreigner who could trash the place and then skip the country at any time.

During my practically yearlong quest to find a kitchen with a house attached I looked at all three of the properties available for rent. The first was entirely too quaint for my tastes. It was a farmhouse without the farm, designed in turn of the century farmhouse style. Which century I have no idea. The rent was appallingly cheap, but so was the foundation. It was a small house. Not that I need much room, but this was a small house. The doorways were just over four feet high. The roof was slanted. The highest point was satisfactorily high, but the lowest point would have made that guy who sat in the R2D2 suit uncomfortable. In what I suppose was the bedroom was a tiny bed, probably the perfect fit for a 10 year old. I know that Chinese people are not famous for their height, but this was taking that stereotype a little too far. I would have tossed the bed anyway. I have my own and ordinarily I do not like my bed swarming with lower life forms unless they buy me dinner first. The bathroom was appalling. True, it could be cleaned. But the fact that it was outdoors and not attached to the house in any way would have been harder to fix. The one saving grace was that this house had a kitchen.

The second house looked more like every other house in the country. I do not even know if it is Chinese style. Most of the houses I have seen in Thailand, Korea and Japan share similar traits, though Japanese houses are much cleaner and have better roofs. The house where I live now is the same style. But the important thing was that this house had a kitchen. The rest of the house was a desolate shithole, but there was indeed a kitchen. After looking at the house and only vaguely concealing my disgust I was told that the stove, sink, air conditioner (an absolute must around here) and several parts I really did not care about were the property of the people who had just moved out and that they would be taking these things as well. So it was a shithole soon to be without a kitchen.

House number three had no air conditioner, no stove, no refrigerator and no washing machine. But it had a kitchen sink and was about a five minute walk from my school. Boss Lady, who was originally so opposed to the idea of my moving but now encouraged it, thought I should take this house. I pointed out that it had no air conditioner, stove, refrigerator or washing machine. She said that if I renewed my contract for another year she would buy all of those things. An interesting offer, but at the time it would have meant agreeing to stay on an additional 18 months, since I was only halfway through my current contract. At any given time I am never sure that I want to stay here another week, let alone 18 more months. After I thought about it and decided that sanity was fleeting anyway, she tried to make the necessary arrangements with the house’s owner. This proved to be difficult. For about three months Boss Lady and Pi Chi both made near daily attempts to contact this person. I had decided that this meant that the owner was no longer interested, but my translators said that all was well and they would keep trying to reach her. Eventually Boss Lady was able to contact the owner and, even though I had reservations about renting a house from someone who could not be found for three months, we started to negotiate. The house owner said that she needed a six month deposit. I said never mind.

The next day while Boss Lady was trying to encourage me to take this house she told me that a six month deposit was necessary since the owner needed the money to buy an air conditioner, et al. I expressed my confusion since Boss Lady said that she would be buying these items. She then explained that somewhere along the line she convinced the house owner to shell out the big bucks for said improvements. Although I said nothing I decided that this released me from any obligation to sign a new contract. My concern now was when or how I could ever get this enormous deposit back (about US$900). Boss Lady explained that it was not a deposit in the dictionary sense of the word. I was supposed to pay the first six month’s rent in advance. Since the house was dirt cheap and this new arrangement allowed me to delay any decisions about the new contract I accepted this offer and a completely non-binding oral agreement was made.

The following weekend Pi Chi was finally able to contact the house owner who said that the house was still available. This annoyed me somewhat, so I had Pi Chi arrange to see the house as a prospective tenant. The house owner never mentioned to Pi Chi that someone else (me) had already made a deal to rent the place. Originally we were going to have Pi Chi look at the house to see if she liked it and also to see if the rent would be different to someone without a white face. But then I decided that I wanted to accompany her since I had only seen the house at night and figured it might be nice to see it in the harsh glare of daylight. The house owner did not recognize me. She assumed that I was simply some other foreigner, which is an odd assumption in a town that only has one foreigner in it at any given time.

Pi Chi hated the house. That was no surprise since she is city folk and this town is definitely rural. She is also surprisingly snobbish for someone so poor. What mildly surprised me was how much I hated the house in the daylight. Either it really fell apart in the three months since I had seen it last or that blinding sun makes an enormous difference. The first time I looked at the house I did not notice all the holes in the walls or the broken window. I could tell that the paint was bad, but I did not see all those wires hanging out of outlets and from the ceiling. There also seemed to be far fewer living things in it the first time. Pi Chi and I left the house without giving the owner any answer in either direction. The next day Boss Lady told me that the house was no longer available. I still do not know if the owner preferred to rent it to me than me, or if she merely did not want to rent it to either of us. Either way it was no great loss.

Some time later Boss Lady decided to install a stove and kitchen sink in my house. She said that she would put them in if I decided to stay another year, but since she already bought them and they were ready to go I used my two greatest strengths, obstinance and vagueness, to avoid any direct answer to that question.

Since there are no gas lines in this house my new stove is attached to a tank of some kind of gas. No one can tell me exactly what it is. While this might seem dangerous any concerns I might have had were assuaged when the possibly trained technician who installed the gas tank never once removed the cigarette from his mouth while dealing with such a highly flammable device. In as little as four hours my new stove was up and running. Since the burners are of some weird ass design that no one else on the entire planet uses none of my pots or pans fit on this stove, but that was easily solved with a quick 60k drive to the nearest store that sells pots and pans. Now I can actually cook more than one item at a time and boil water in less than 45 minutes. I have to turn on the gas every time I use the stove and it makes a peculiar noise when I turn it on, but I have two hands should one be violently torn from my body in the inevitable explosion.


18 October 2005

Photographs Of Bangkok

Phra Mondop
Wat Phra Kaew
Grand Palace, Phra Nakhon


Prasat Phra Debidorn
Wat Phra Kaew


Phra Mondop & Hor Phra Naga
Wat Phra Kaew


“Trident of Shiva” prang
Wat Arun, Bangkok Yai


Expressways near my cheap and relatively horrible hotel
Taken from Baiyoke Tower


Phra Maha chedi
Wat Pho, Phra Nakhon


Clarence, Wat Pho


Where the Buddha naps
Wat Pho


The large imposing statues make sure that no one messes with the garbage
Wat Pho


Ratchadamri
The colors are a combination of a brilliant sunset blocked by clouds
and accidentally using the night setting on my camera



13 October 2005

Bangkok, Thailand



About a week after I was diagnosed with meningitis by Chinese doctors, I was on a plane to Thailand. Most of my travels require flying with an Asian airline. That is just one of the hardships of life in Asia. But I flew to Bangkok on KLM, a European airline based in my favorite European city. If Europe is the whipped cream, Holland is the cherry on top. I had forgotten what efficient service was like. Many international airlines will use local crews on short distance flights outside of the airline’s regional hub. Airlines from this continent are always affiliated with airlines from that continent in one way or another. When I boarded the plane and saw all those shiny white faces I knew this was going to be different. Ordinarily I prefer not to be surrounded by white people. They tend to give me the creeps. But a crew from Holland is better than a crew from any non-Japanese Asian country in every possible way. For those unfamiliar with the Asian concept of customer service, the easiest explanation is that most non-Japanese Asians have no concept of customer service. At least this broad generalization is my experience every day of my life.

On the plane something happened that really does not occur as often as it should. A hot blond babe sat down next to me. I thought she was from Holland at first, and I imagined that hearing that accent for the next four hours would test my allegial limits. Then she spoke and I immediately recognized the grating howl of an American voice. Truly none of us is perfect. She was an American teaching English to spoiled Chinese children, not unlike myself. She was also a Christian Republican from Texas. Very much unlike myself. Another interesting difference between us was that she was dumber than a sack of papaya. Arguable as that may be. She explained that this trip to Bangkok was her visa run. Foreigners living here on visitor visas must leave the country every few months to get a new visa, depending on their home country. Some people do this for years. The only reason anyone with a job would remain on a visitor visa is if they are working illegally or they are dumber than a sack of papaya. She told me that this was her second visa run and that the government makes it difficult to get any other kind of visa. She said that the entire process was just too cumbersome and bureaucentric, I am paraphrasing. I think she said icky and poopoorific. I have never been on a visa run. I got a legal job before my visitor visa expired (although not really) and have been living on a resident visa ever since. But then, perhaps I am not dumber than a sack of papaya. Arguable as that may be.

Britney (for obvious reasons) spoke about how exciting it was to live in a foreign land and experience a different culture. She went on about the food and the people, and I wondered if my previous blind stereotyping assessment of her intelligence had not been overly optimistic or if perhaps I was closing myself to some aspect of my own experience. Probably a little of both. But she was pretty dim.

Ordinarily all in-flight announcements are made in English and whatever languages are spoken in the departure and arrival countries. Sometimes that can make for a litany of international prattle. But since this crew was entirely European all of the announcements were in English and Nederlands. This was probably strange for all the Chinese and Thai on the plane, but also for me since I have grown accustomed to tuning out announcements in Chinese. To be fair, Europeans are not well known for their fluency of Chinese and Thai. Their butchery of those languages would have only caused confusion. During the fine dinning portion of the evening a flight attendant attempted to ask the Chinese passenger sitting next to Britney whether he wanted noodles or rice. The passenger said, “Yes”. Being the great humanitarian I am, I asked said passenger in Chinese if he wanted noodles or rice. Not that I formed a complete sentence, but I can say “noodles or rice”. Not that the Chinese ever form complete sentences (by English standards). I then gave the flight attendant a half-assed lesson in Chinese. At the next row he asked another Chinese passenger what I could only assume was supposed to mean “noodles or rice”, but I could not understand a word.

The first passenger chose 麵.

People have asked me why I say Nederlander instead of “Dutch”. One person has only ever asked, really. A person from Holland and/or the Netherlands is a Nederlander. The language they speak is Nederlands. “Dutch” is a bastardized version of “Deutsch”, created by British people who did not know the difference. Ironically, British people call the Deutsche “German”. To some Dutch, the word Dutch is insulting, like when you call the Inuit “Eskimo” or Hillbillies “Inbred Tractor Monkeys”. But most Nederlander are too polite to tell you not to call them Dutch, or they have been beaten into submission, like Americans who really believe that the Runaway Bride was the most important news event that day. More importantly, Dutch chicks are much better looking than Eskimo chicks, so it never hurts to score some extra points.


Ratchadamri Rd on an unusually empty day


My first impression of Bangkok was that the airport was impressively empty for the third largest hub in Asia. But then, it was somewhere between 1am and 3am. I never bothered to figure out the time difference before I left. Whenever I let Boss Lady arrange my flights I end up leaving in the late afternoon, which is convenient since I do not have to bother waking up before noon. The only problem with leaving late in the afternoon is that I usually arrive very late at night. Someone more intelligent than I might resolve this situation by arranging the flights themselves. A valid point, except that this particular trip was paid for entirely by Boss Lady. It seemed only fair to let her do all the work as long as she was picking up the tab. Part of my bonus package when I renewed my contract seven months prior was a free trip to Bangkok. I was finally collecting.

My forty fifth impression of Bangkok was that it was unbearably hot and humid. I had just come from a place that is unbearably hot and humid 10 months out of the year, but the unbearable heat and humidity always seems worse on the other side of the hai.


Ratchadamri Rd, below Baiyoki


Whenever I tell anyone that I have been to Amsterdam or Bangkok the first question they ask always seems to be about the whores. Both cities have a rich history of culture, art, science, and food. Although “Dutch” food blows. But people seem to care more about whether the rumors are true than they care about Rembrandt’s kick ass charcoal sketches or that weird looking monkey thing at Phra Kaeo. I read some article in the National Review (or Penthouse Forum; it is all the same) by some idiot who said that the best thing about his trip to Amsterdam was the Red Light District. It is an amusing area to stroll through while nipping at an ice cream cone, but a trip to Amsterdam without the Rijksmuseum is a waste of perfectly expensive jet fuel. I could spend entire minutes in Amsterdam without even considering that prostitution is legal. I have always been amazed that such a vibrant and historic city can be so easily reduced by repressed people to a depot for hookers and pot. It is easily one of the best cities in the world, including the thousands of cities I will never see.

Bangkok is nice, too.

Of course, while in Bangkok I did go to a sex show. When in Rome, do as the Thai do. Technically it was a “look show”, which almost has to be better than a smell show. A walk through Patpong will elicit an endless assault of invitations and bargain rates from pimps and other icky people (special thanks to Britney). Patpong is the place to go if you want cheap food, cheap alcohol, cheap bootleg DVDs, cheap imitation jewelry, cheap counterfeit designer clothes, cheap hookers, or cheap sex shows. It is truly a shopping paradise for those with no discerning taste. It can be amusing at first. Some of the peddlers are women (although only those not attractive enough to be $5 hookers), and as I walked passed one woman she held out the same menu that they all seem to have and said, “Pussy, fuck, fuck.” I suppose if you are only going to learn two words in English there are worse choices, depending on your chosen vocation. One male pimp was barking the usual sales pitch in broken English as I walked toward his general direction. Once I got as close as I was ever going to get he practically whispered, “(Something unintelligible) for weed?” Narcotics possession and even prostitution are illegal in Thailand. The prostitution is largely ignored by the authorities. Most of those fat, bald American vets would not visit Bangkok every year if they could not relieve their syphillatic glory days. But like most Southeast Asian countries that prefer to export drugs rather than import, there are some serious penalties for those who want to trot the white pony around Sala Daeng.

While being led up a dark and narrow staircase I thought to myself what is the worst that could happen, other than being kidnapped, tortured, disemboweled and beheaded. The venue appeared as any other low rent stripclub. Or so I have heard. There was a small stage on which a few young girls stood and vaguely swayed to the loud music. The audience was mostly white and middle aged. The atmosphere was dark and smelled like cheap alcohol and despair. I was escorted to my chair. I saw Lola dancing there. But I was immediately accosted not once, not twice, not thrice, but more than whatever is more than thrice by girls who all seemed to think I was the most interesting person in the world. I am convinced this had more to do with my winning personality than the fact that to them I was a rich foreigner who could easily give them a year’s salary with a simple flick of the wrist. As much as I enjoy being surrounded by contagious young women who will do anything without emotion for spare change, I did want to see the show, and the constant begging for money was a distraction. They were not literally begging me for money, but my money was their obvious goal. I think they would have been shocked and even angry had they known just how little money I actually had on me at the time.

When I left my fans and took a different seat much closer to the stage I got to watch the show for about a minute before more girls wanted to convince me that I was endlessly fascinating. The basic routine on stage was that one girl wore a bikini, one was topless, one was completely naked, and one performed some kind of gynecological circus act. They would occasionally rotate and switch positions, and sometimes a new girl would climb onstage as a replacement. When they switched positions it struck me as odd that the nude girl would then put on a bikini. It seemed as though the horse was already out of the barn on that one. Of course, the highlight of the show was the bizarre “sex act”, which had nothing to do with sex. In between fending off the girls offstage I saw a girl onstage play a small toy horn nowhere near her mouth, and the infamous ping pong ball act. The one that surprised me was the girl who popped balloons by shooting small darts out of her naughty bits. I would imagine that takes some practice. I also saw the dreaded string of razor blades. That is something most people can live without ever seeing. I have no idea who, how or why someone invented these little parlor tricks, but certainly the razor blade piece must have come from the mind of a man. At any point in history, in any country in the world, men are pretty fucked up.

Aside from the annoyance of constantly being harassed by all the drink whores, my general impression of the entire experience was that it was all as far from erotic as it could have possibly been. The girls onstage performed their routines with absolutely no enthusiasm and seemed as though they would rather be scrubbing toilets than doing what they were doing. The girls offstage showed more interest, but they were only interested in money and drinks. I have met plenty of women like that who speak my language, so the hand signal variation did nothing for me. And when I say “girls”, I do not mean it in any condescending way. All of these female people were young, and some of them could have easily been feloniously young. Child advocacy groups check these places from time to time, but how reliable can that be.

Which brings me to an interesting point. Pi Chi did not accompany me on this trip.

I have always preferred to travel alone. It is easier to arrange a trip for one, and it is much easier to see and do whatever I want without having to compromise and visit the world’s largest quilt when I would rather see the Grand Canyon. But somewhere along the line something has changed. It occurred to me early on that this trip would have been much better with Pi Chi. I certainly would have missed the ping pong show, but being splashed by the filthy water of Chao Phraya during the “canal cruise” might have been more romantic if the driver and I were not the only people on the boat. I think Pi Chi would have enjoyed all those large, ornate temples. Chinese temples are pretty weak compared to elaborate Thai temples. And there is the shopping. Pi Chi likes to shop, and Bangkok is a great place to buy a wide variety of cheap crap.

Pi Chi would have loved Wat Phra Kaeo. It sits on the grounds of the Grand Palace and is easily the largest temple in Thailand. It used to be the private temple of the royal family, and even today only the King is allowed to touch the large Emerald Buddha, which he dresses in ceremonial costumes three times a year to reflect the current season. There are, of course, only three seasons per year: rainy season, summer and winter. I went during the rainy season. Though it did not rain much at all.

I ordinarily visit such tourist attractions on my own, but my hotel was offering some “limited time” special deal where a guided tour was cheaper than the taxi ride alone would have been, so I let Kehatanee authorized tour guide Napaporn Phurattanakornkul show me around. Her English was terrible, but I have become quite adept at deciphering broken English. The main benefit to the services of Ms Phurattanakornkul was that she was either intimately familiar with the history and culture of Wat Phra Kaeo or she was very good at making shit up. On my own it would have taken all day to wander around, and I probably still would not have seen it all. With Napaporn I am reasonably sure that I saw everything worth seeing, and it only took several hours. And yes, her name was indeed Napaporn. And it is pronounced the way you think it is.





Wat Phra Kaew is actually a series of temples, consisting of the Royal Monastery of the Emerald Buddha, as well as Phra Siratana Chedi (right), Hor Phra Naga (the mausoleum of the royal family), Phra Wiharn Yod (a repository of numerous Buddhist images), Phra Mondop (left, a repository for sacred scriptures inscribed on palm leaves), Hor Phra Monthian Dharma (the scripture library), Hor Phra Rajkoramanusorn (which holds Buddha images dedicated to kings of the Ayuthaya Dynasty), Hor Phra Rajphongsanusorn (which holds Buddha images dedicated to kings of the present dynasty), Prasat Phra Dhepbidorn (which holds statues of the Chakri Dynasty), and Hor Phra Gandhararat. All of these are within the Grand Palace, which also houses Borom Phiman Mansion (currently the royal guest house), Buddha Ratana Starn, Amarindra Winitchai, Paisal Taksin (the coronation hall), Chakraphat Phiman (where the new king spends his first night after coronation), Mahisorn Prasat, Hor Phra Sulalai Phiman, the Rajruedi, Chakri Maha Prasat and Rajkaranyasapha. There will be an oral test later.

One of the more interesting aspects of international travel is finding out just how much the locals mispronounce their words compared to the proper way that we pronounce them. Siam, for example, is called see-ahm and not Sy am, and it was never what they called their country. Probably because Thai names are generally 48 letters long and largely unpronounceable. The way they pronounce Bangkok sounds far less pornographic. Those crappy little motorcycles with shells for passengers are tuk tuks, pronounced dook dook. I grew up pronouncing Hiroshima with the emphasis on the third syllable while the Japanese mistakenly emphasize the second. The Chinese think their country is called Zhongguo. In Holland, Koninklijke Luchtvaart Maatschappij is pronounced Koninklijke Luchtvaart Maatschappij. Another similarity between Amsterdam and Bangkok is that while their words may look easy to pronounce, when they are actually spoken they tend to sound nothing like their spelling.


Wat Phra Kaew


Bangkok is louder, filthier, and more crowded than where I live. The only way to cross one of the larger streets is via one of the scarce walkways that are elevated high above the pavement. There are entirely too many steps to climb to the top, and entirely too many steps from the intersection where I want to cross and the middle of the block where the walkway is located. We have similar walkways here (along with the underground variation), but they are not as necessary since it is actually possible to cross most of the streets. Crossing a busy intersection in Bangkok is suicidal. People exaggerate about how bad the traffic is everywhere, but in Bangkok it is not hyperbole. There are simply too many cars on too narrow roads. The city recently installed the new BTS (SkyTrain), which is an entirely elevated mass transit system. Since it is never underground or at street level there are always good views (assuming you are near a window), but it does not actually go anywhere. There are only two lines and they cover a small fraction of the city. It does go to Siam Square and one or two other shopping areas, but it does not go anywhere near a single temple or any place of cultural interest.

But I liked Bangkok because the city was alive. The people seemed more vibrant than they ever do at home. Chinese cities often seem as though they are populated by those slow moving zombies. Only instead of eating human brains they wander the countryside looking for duck brains. The denizens of Bangkok probably eat all manner of brains, but they move much faster. A simple analogy that I just made up is that Bangkok is an old house that the owners are constantly renovating and adding on to, while (any Chinese city) is one of those post-war urban flight prefabricated houses that all look alike with loud, garish furniture draped with plastic covers. There are better analogies, but it is past my bedtime.


Angor Wat at Wat Phra Kaew
When Thailand controlled Cambodia, King Mongkut (Rama IV) wanted to move Angor Wat to Thailand
When his engineers finally convinced him that it would be impossible, he had this scale model built


A few helpful tips for the traveler

Although not too terribly big, it takes some time to get from one end of Bangkok to the other. That is because walking is slow, there is no useful mass transit system, and if you do find a reliable taxi it will be stuck in traffic for days. Taxis are fun. Some are marked “Taxi Meter” and some are not. Those that are not have drivers who are not known for their honesty and ethical business practices. Supposedly, “metered taxis” always use the meter and the fare is whatever it should be. In reality those drivers can be just as bad as the others. Half of the metered taxis I entered had “broken” meters. Apparently there is a broken meter epidemic in Bangkok. I quickly learned to ask if it was indeed a metered taxi when I entered, regardless of what that sign on top said. I entered one metered taxi to get from my hotel to Wat Pho and the driver told me it would cost 1,000 Baht (about US$30). I eventually found a metered taxi that actually used the meter and the metered fare was 55 Baht.

Another taxi option is the motorcycle taxi. Bangkok is littered with tiny motorcycles. It seems as though every major Asian city has more motorcycles, bicycles, or scooters than cars. The benefit of a motorcycle taxi is that the driver can dart recklessly through traffic at dangerous speeds. The downside is that the driver darts recklessly through traffic at dangerous speeds. If you have no regard for your own life you can identify a motorcycle taxi by the orange vest that all of the drivers wear. Strictly for tourists is the tuk tuk. The government is trying to discourage their use since they are louder, uglier, and vomit out more pollution than Ann Coulter. But tourists like them since tourists like loud, ugly, dirty things. I guess that also explains book sales. Tuk tuks also have no meters and can be very expensive for people who do not realize that a ride on one of the overcrowded and slow buses would have cost them one thousandth of what that tuk tuk ride cost.


Phloenchit Rd


On the flight home the nightmare that haunts my every waking moment came true. Some fat guy sat next to me. I have nothing more against the gravitationally challenged than I do Asians, Whitey, or people who say “um” before every sentence. But the seats in economy class (the airline euphemism for dirtshit poor) have precious little room as is without some stranger’s lifetime dependency on twinkies and Yoohoo billowing its way into my personal space.

Happily, this fat guy was one of those happy fat guys, and not one of those depressed fat guys. Um, as we all know those are the only two options. He was an American teaching English in Bangkok (and probably still is). Meeting Americans on both flights is extremely rare for me. I like it that way. My sense of adequacy gets a certain satisfaction out of being the only delusionally adequate person from the world’s most delusionally adequate country around. Say that to a Chinese person and he will think you believe it. Say it to an American and he will believe it. This particular American was on his way to a holiday in my country while I was on my way home from a holiday in his country. We found that amusing for a good second. We compared our lives as babysitters in foreign countries. I would say I got the longer end of the stick. His stories seemed to be centered more on chasing tail than teaching children. He apparently had much of his success at a time and place I would refer to as “last call”. Sweet as that is, I was much more interested to hear about the working conditions than the working women’s contagions. If Chinese villagers ever come to my door with torches and pitchforks I should probably have an escape route. Japan would be my first choice, but apparently they want their teachers to be actual teachers. Backward heathens.

Something new on the flight home was a sheet of paper that we are apparently supposed to fill out during the ten days following arrival. The government would like everyone who has been abroad to check their temperature and record it on a form that no government employee will ever see. This is a reactionary measure from the recent and distant outbreaks of bird flu, SARS, avian-bovine crosspollinatory myopia, and lame duck disease. I felt fortunate that this form did not need to be filled out during the ten days before I left. The reason I went to the quack who diagnosed me with meningitis in the first place was because my 40 degree temperature and appearance of death after a Jerry Lewis telethon alarmed my employers enough to shell out the $1.50 to pay his fee. The doctor prescribed (handed me in an unmarked bag) a variety of pills. I took none of them because Pi Chi told me not to. I will accept pretty much any excuse to ignore a doctor. In about two days I felt much better on my own. I guess it was that 48 hour meningitis.




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