Pi Chi and I went to 台北 for the weekend. She had some sort of conference or other and she wanted me to go with her. Ordinarily I am up for a trip to pretty much anywhere except 澳門, but I have been to 台北 too many times to care and this trip, like all Pi Chi trips, required waking up at an ungodly hour. And Pi Chi did not particularly want to go either but she is a member of whatever organization was hosting the conference and she has failed to show up at any of their little meetings for the last two years and she figured she should probably make an appearance lest they think she is as disinterested as she clearly is.
Pi Chi often travels out of city for conferences and meetings and whatever else they do. More often than not that requires taking a very early train. That usually means I have to wake up at an unreasonable hour and take her to the train station. The high speed station is about 30 minutes away. This means that by the time I return home I have been awake for at least 75 minutes and that means going back to sleep is a chore. I might as well stay awake and watch the sun rise. Assuming it ever does.
Whenever Pi Chi goes to 台北 she spends the night. Conferences in 台北 often last more than one day, and even when they are only one day long they usually suck up the entire working day. Waking up before the birds, dragging me out of bed, going to the train station, taking the train to 台北, sitting in a day-long conference, and repeating everything in reverse would be a bit much for one day. Although I think the conference in reverse might be amusing.
Whenever Pi Chi spends the night somewhere she wants me to go with her. And she thinks 台北 is romantic for some reason. I know the reason but I am too much of a gentleman to mention that it is where we first fornicated like wild monkeys. We went to 台北 for shits and giggles and planned on going to 淡水, which is considered a romantic spot by most of the locals. We never went to 淡水, for obvious reasons. It was raining.
Often when Pi Chi takes a day trip somewhere, I cannot go because it interferes with my work schedule. Regrettably, it did not this time. And this was the weekend right after Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is in August around here. And in February, as far as Pi Chi is concerned.
So I agreed to go with her even though I did not particularly want to. This is what married people do. We are not married, but we might as well be. She nags me to take out the garbagie and I go places I have no desire to go. That is marriage.
But I got her to agree with me that going with her at such an unhealthy hour was completely unnecessary since she was heading straight for her conference and we could not spend any time together until much later in the day. She sleeps on the train anyway, only waking to complain that the music from my 500mb MP2 player is too loud. If I cannot listen to music on the train I stare out the window and watch the endlessly repetitive scenery pass by. I have seen it. I have taken this train many times before. I have taken pictures of all the farms. I have taken mov files of the signs flashing by. For my Valentine’s Day present she took a taxi to the train station. Taxis are very easy to get around here. We live on property owned by a large and famous hospital. There are taxis loitering outside at all hours. And the fare to the train station is reasonable.
My initial plan was to sleep as late as possible and get to 台北 no earlier than after she was finished with her conference. But this was Valentine’s Day so I started early.
Whenever Pi Chi goes anywhere she packs entirely too many clothes and a big bag of whatnot at least a day or two before she actually leaves. The last time we left the country she packed a week beforehand. I do not own enough clothes to pack so far in advance. And I would not even if I could. I tend to pack just before leaving. Unless we have to leave at an ungainly hour. Then I may pack the night before. The mystique of packing a suitcase and heading for the airport does nothing for me anymore. I get about as excited getting in the car to go to work.
But I know enough to know that different places require different considerations. Europe in winter requires extra clothes for layering. East Asia pretty much any time of year requires extra clothes since whatever you are wearing at any given time will get wet one way or another. I never wear sunglasses at home, but I always take some with me on any trips to anywhere. After our recent move my good sunglasses, the $5 Thai “Ray Ben”s, went into hiding. Finding them took longer than it would to pack for a trip to Mongolia. I almost never wear hats at home, but I always take one with me on any trips to anywhere. Hats are essential in hot places to keep the sun off your head. My hair may be thinner than it was 20 years ago but there is no unobstructed view of my scalp. And yet my scalp has been burned under African skies. Hats are essential in cold places to keep the icy wind from ripping through your skull like an unrealistic television reality program. East Africa during the rainy season requires an umbrella. Preferably a very strong umbrella. East Asia pretty much any time of year requires an umbrella. In places like 台北 it will rain. Especially if it has been raining since June and at least two typhoons are on the way. It rains in 台北 no matter what the weather is like. I have seen it rain in 台北 without a cloud in the sky.
It did not rain at all during this trip.
But I had no way of knowing that while I was packing all this specialized gear for the big romantic getaway and missing the train I wanted to take. So I rushed to get out the door and on the train. The high speed train is unlike any other train in this country. It is on time. I generally like taking the high speed train. You cannot get on the train unless you have a ticket and if you have a ticket you have a seat. Unlike the low speed trains. They sell tickets until the horse leaves the stable. A seat on an eight hour ride is never guaranteed.
The high speed train is also newer. It is still relatively clean, and far more comfortable than the low speed trains; some of which have cars in which the last emperor of China probably rode. The high speed train cars were made in Japan. In this century. Meaning the last century. We old people still consider the 20th century modern. But the cars are relatively new.
Another quaint fact about old people is that we derive great pleasure from small comforts. My favorite thing about taking the train alone is that I can listen to music on my aforementioned 20th century MP3 player. It is not the latest technology, cannot do my laundry, and has no menu to speak of, but it plays the music that I put on it a few years ago and it is more convenient than carrying around the old victrola. I used to listen to music all the time when I was young and careless, before the burdens and responsibilities of working twelve hours a week aged me prematurely. Now I have no computer on which to play music and my old computer was old with old speakers that just made everything sound old. Especially the old songs. The best stereo system to which I have access is in Pi Chi’s car, and it is hard to hear anything with the constant cacophony of all that horn honking and cursing I do while driving.
I got into 台北 later than I had planned and called Pi Chi as soon as probable. Naturally she did not answer my call. If you know Pi Chi then you probably know about the cute little game she plays where she will answer absolutely any phone call from anyone known or unknown but she will never answer any call from me. I could be strewn about the gutter, holding my severed head in my lap and she would still not answer my call. It is just the sweetest thing.
When Pi Chi eventually called me back she told me that her conference was running late and she wanted to meet me nowhere near our hotel or the train station. Despite getting started early and running late I had more than enough time to wait around. Going to the hotel was not an option as Pi Chi had not yet checked in and I had no idea where it was. She was unimpressed with my choice of hotels the first time we went to 台北 together. It was what you could conceivably call clean by Asian standards and in an excellent location. But Pi Chi is a bit of a snob and prefers to stay in hotels where poor people dare not tread. The good news is that I got to drag my bag all over the place.
If you know anything about 台北 then you know that its roads and “sidewalks” are not always paved or what one would call even. What was a light carry-on bag with wheels an hour ago becomes a Sisyphus stone after walking the streets of 台北. Much of 台北 can be reached by an excellent if reliably inefficient public transportation system. It took the powers that be over ten years to build the MRT, and it was several years behind schedule and dangerously over budget. Conventional wisom has it that much of the money found its way into a few pockets. That is standard operating procedure around here. The MRT at home was only five years behind schedule and a mere 400% over budget. But you have to wait much longer for the trains since few people ride them. At home I can get a seat on any train at any time of the day. In 台北 there are no seats available even late at night. When I first went to 台北 I remember being able to sit down on the MRT from time to time. Now it is like Tokyo’s JR, only the trains are always late and you see far more old men picking their feet on the MRT.
The MRT goes pretty much anywhere you want to go. Except to Pi Chi’s hotel. So we met at 台北101, once the tallest building in the world. If you count spires and antennae. People debated the issue for years, but now the Burj Dubai is so much taller that no one cares. The first time I went to 台北 they were still building 101. The second time I went to the top. It did not seem that high and the view from New York’s World Trade Center was infinitely better. The third time they had put up a steel fence around the outdoor observatory to keep people from jumping off the building. A reasonable precaution in a country where people kill themselves the way Americans eat nachos. But an obstructed view of the unimpressive cityscape below is far less impressive. One can always use the indoor observation deck but one would probably notice all the finger, hand, face and hair stains another one left on the windows. And I like to feel that I am on top of a tall building, not just see it. The Donauturm in Vienna is not especially tall, but when you are on the outdoor deck you feel the building sway back and forth and the wind that makes it sway.
But Pi Chi likes 台北101 because it has an overpriced shopping center where poor people seldom go. So our first official act together on our romantic weekend getaway while we were both dragging around our luggage was shopping. I have known Pi Chi for six years. I know that shopping is her favorite activity, next to telling me to take out the garbagie. We could go to the most cultural, historic, exotic, romantic place in the world and she would judge it on its shopping centers. We could go to Antarctica and she would want to go shopping. It is my own fault that I was surprised.
When we finally made it to Pi Chi’s hotel, which is nowhere near the MRT, I was gobsmacked, as they say in places where people talk funny. I may have mentioned that Pi Chi is a bit of a snob. She likes five star hotels (Asian five star is nowhere close to European five star). She likes shopping in places where you could buy the same thing for half the price if you go where people do not drive sport utility vehicles. She hated my hotel because it was not lucky or popular or whatever snobbish reason she had. But her hotel was a dump. The lobby was renovated. During the Vietnam War. I do not generally care what a hotel lobby looks like and most hotels in this part of the world are usually a few decades behind, but the carpeting in this lobby was damp. The hallway outside our room could have been from a five floor walkup on Delancey Street. The room itself was not the worst I have ever seen, but it was nothing close to Pi Chi’s standards. The biggest surprise was in the bathroom. The less said about that the better. If I had picked this hotel Pi Chi would have insisted on leaving immediately.
After dragging our luggage all over the 100% humidity Pi Chi wanted to take a nap. Knowing her as I do I knew that if she took a nap she would sleep until dinner, eat dinner, and then go to sleep. That is not my idea of a romantic weekend getaway. But it was (Chinese) Valentine’s Day and I have seen pretty much all of 台北 that I care to see. And in my rush to pack and make it to this shithole hotel I wore a shirt that I have not worn in a long time. When you live in a place with constant humidity and almost no indoor sunlight you should avoid wearing anything that has not recently been washed. When we got to the hotel my back was as red as Obama. And in my rush to pack and make it to this dump I did not bring as many changes of clothes as I should have. I was ill equipped to paint the town. And who says naps are not romantic.
The only things we planned for this romantic weekend getaway were a trip to 淡水 and dinner at Papa Giovanni’s. We pissed away most of Saturday so 淡水 would have to wait until Sunday. But Saturday night we could eat at a nice restaurant. Papa Giovanni’s is famous amongst foreigners because it has genuine Italian food cooked by genuine Italians. There are plenty of Italian restaurants around here but most are as authentic as Thai food in Vermont. Papa Giovanni’s was the only Italian restaurant I know in East Asia that was owned and operated by Italians. I have heard about others but I have never been there.
The first time Pi Chi and I went to Papa Giovanni’s we were seated at a quiet corner table. Mrs Giovanni took our order. Pi Chi started talking in Chinese, as is the custom, but Mrs Giovanni told us, in English with a strong Italian accent that she does not speak a word of Chinese. This just made the place better to me. Usually when we eat out Pi Chi does all the talking. This time she pointed on the menu and I did all the talking. Most likely with horrible pronunciation. But Mrs Giovanni understood everything. Except when I tried to ask her if they had 雪碧. I am so used to calling it 雪碧 that I temporarily forgot its English name. So Pi Chi helped. But her Chinese pronunciation was nothing like Mrs Giovanni’s Italian pronunciation. Then I remembered how to say Sprite. We all laughed. That’s old people for you.
The food at Papa Giovanni’s was good. Easily the best Italian food I have ever had anywhere in Asia. Except maybe that Italian trattoria in 澳門. But it closed years ago. Everything about Papa Giovanni’s was good. From that point on we made it a point to always eat at Papa Giovanni’s whenever we went to 台北. And by coincidence or not they always put us at our quiet corner table.
So our big Saturday night romantic weekend getaway dinner was always going to be at Papa Giovanni’s. When we went there something seemed different. The sign above the door said “PaPa Gio’s”. The interior was different, but generally the same. Our quiet corner table was gone. They put us in a room that they probably use for large parties. Middle aged white dudes were eating and talking loudly. One of them wore a chef smock.
Mrs Giovanni did not take our order. A Chinese waitress did. We asked her why everything was different and she told us that the Giovannis retired and moved back to Italy. The entire family left and sold the restaurant to the loud white dudes sitting nearby. We saw no cause for alarm and ordered Italian food in Chinese.
Papa Giovanni’s was a family restaurant. Mrs Giovanni took your order if you were not Chinese. Mr Giovanni made the rounds and played host. Their sons and daughters ran the place and made the food. PaPa Gio’s was different. The owner, manager and chef were there, but they appeared to be off the clock. They were not cooking the food or talking to the customers, but they were definitely talking.
They covered a wide range of subjects that night. They discussed how all Mormons are “racist douchebags”, all Catholics are “baby fuckers”, all “towelheads” are terrorists and that the Sons of Abraham only care about “Jew money and controlling the world”. They discussed their world travels as it pertained to illegal narcotics, comparative prostitution and the best places to vomit after a night of binge drinking. They told one of their Chinese waitresses that they were going to put mirrors on the floor and not let the waitresses wear anything under their short skirts. The waitress did not seem to understand what they were saying, which might be part of the reason they said it. But they must have known that the foreigner sitting two tables away could understand them, as could the few other foreigners in the restaurant. Most of the customers were in a different room, but the loud white dudes were loud enough for all to hear.
I could have stormed out in righteous indignation, but Pi Chi had no idea what they were talking about and we thought that the food would still be good. Plus I was a little curious to see what other crazy shit they would come up with. The food turned out not to be so good. Pi Chi hated the pasta, and Pi Chi loves pasta. She has been to the actual Italy and she freely admits that actual Italian pasta is better than any type of Chinese pasta. If you know anything about Chinese it is that they rarely consider any foreign food better than their own. I got a pizza because Papa Giovanni’s had the best pizza in the country. You can find pizza almost anywhere here, but Chinese pizza is nothing like Italian pizza. No New Yorker would ever recognize a Chinese pizza as pizza. PaPa Gio’s pizza was not as bad as a Chinese pizza, but it was nothing like a Papa Giovanni’s pizza. It was closer to Pizza Hut.
Papa Giovanni’s also had some of the best bread this side of the Himalayas. PaPa Gio’s had the same bread the locals use for toast that you can find in any grocery store. An Italian restaurant with bad bread is like a brothel without those ceramic bowls full of condoms. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.
As we left, the loud white dudes were debating whether the David of David and Goliath was the same as King David. Most thought they were different people and one said that he was appointed king right after killing Goliath. In the middle of their colorful and heated discussion one of them broke away from telling another to “suck my dick” and thanked us for coming. I gave him my best what-the-fuck-is-your-problem / rest-assured-we-shall-not-patronize-this-establishment-again, not-that-you-give-a-shit look. I considered telling them about Saul and Michal but thought it best to let them wallow in their secular ignorance.
The other restaurants favored by foreigners are either not to my liking or largely unknown to me. Grandma Nitti’s has been around since before anyone knew who Monica Lewinsky was. They have a good breakfast, but they are too expensive and Pi Chi does not care for their food at all. Several years ago my favorite 台北 bakery took a dirt nap. There are probably still a few good places to eat non-Chinese food in 台北 but I no longer know where they are.
Pi Chi has agreed with me that the next time she goes to 台北 I should stay home.
And we never made it to 淡水.
14 September 2010
28 August 2010
A Month Of Wet
It rained in June. A lot. I realize that this is the rainy season, but I have lived in this city for about five years and I have never seen it this wet. My county is considered the hottest in the entire country. Typhoons either hit us directly or come pretty close every year and none of them have brought as much rain. I lived a little farther north in a wetter county my first few years in this country. It never rained nearly as much there. There was a category 4 super typhoon during my first typhoon season in the country that ran right over my little town and a category 5 the next year. Neither brought as much rain as this June.
It rained every day in June. It was not a constant Forrest Gump rain. Sometimes it would stop for a few hours, but there was some amount of rainfall every single day. And it was raining every day I drove to work. If you know anything about the way the Chinese drive then you know why this is exceptionally dangerous. It rained almost every day in July, but there were a few relatively dry days and even one or two where one could see the sun.
When I was 8 it rained a lot. It seemed like it rained forever, but it was probably only a few days. I looked it up online and some almanac site said there was 33.44 inches (849mm) of rainfall that year; the most in over 100 years. So maybe my memory is not so exaggerated. That same site said that 2005 was even worse (38”/964mm), but I was not there.
By comparison, we usually get about 1800mm of rain here every year. There are no official figures for this June yet. At least I could not find any in the five seconds I looked. But I found a news article that reported 611mm of rainfall. In one month. That seems like a lot to me. And it rains less here than most counties.
I have been to Thailand during the rainy season. It rains a lot there, too. Bangkok gets about 300mm in September. It is always hot and humid in Bangkok, but I have never seen it rain there as much as it is raining here. I have been to Hong Kong in August, when they get an average of 400mm. It did not rain nearly as much as it is raining here. But Hong Kong’s weather has been odd lately, what with a horrible pollution problem and all that fake climate change the Boston reenactors like to tell you about. The last 10 years have set new records in heat and rain.
One of the foreigners at my school is from England and he said it has rained more here than anything he has ever seen there. I always thought London was a particularly rainy city, but everything I have seen during my brief rainfall research says that there is rarely over 60mm in any given month. That seems piss poor by Asian standards.
There was one day at work when lightning was clearly visible from the classrooms. The reason we saw lightning on only one day is because the buildings here are so close together that one cannot see the sky without standing on the top floor and making an unreasonable effort to look upward. My school is in a small town, but the downtown area likes to pretend that it is a big city. The children reacted much as my class did when I was five years old. Except that these children are all over 10 and they live in a part of the world that sees far more rain and lightning than I did at their age. Their exaggerated reactions to common events never fail to surprise me. Lizards used to enter the classroom every day in the tiny farm village I lived in a few years ago. The children would always scream and panic at first sight. And then their attention was always fixed on the lizard rather than whatever fascinating grammar point I was teaching until it left the room. Mosquitos are the most common pest around here; in numbers probably as numerous as cockroaches and scooter monkeys. And yet every single time one flies into the classroom it gets the students’ undivided attention. When a cockroach enters the room I might as well dismiss the class. I suppose I should be most surprised by my own reactions since their melodramatics are such common events.
In sharp contrast to the predictable reactions of Chinese children, my American adult reactions sometimes even surprise myself. With all the rain there has been a fair amount of lightning. Largely invisible in the classroom, it is noticeable at home and even more obvious on the road. Usually when I drive to work there is lightning somewhere in the distance. After watching it almost every day for over two months it became far too commonplace to warrant a mention. But one day the lightning realized that sparks in the distance were not impressing me and it decided to give me a more interesting show. Instead of ignoring brief flashes from one direction I was looking at bright lights bursting all around me. And the accompanying thunder was so loud that I could hear it over the tunes blasting in the car. I wanted to pull over and watch but I was on the way to work. And I never leave early enough to make time to stop and watch the lightning.
The good thing about driving in constant traffic is that when you drive through a lightning storm there really is no need to worry about your car acting as a lightning rod. There are always plenty of trucks and larger vehicles around me to take one for the team should the need arise. I never got to see that, but while I was at a red light I watched a nearby tree explode like Peter North. It was super cool, as the kids say. I assume some children somewhere say that. I have never been the kind of person who particularly cares about fireworks shows, but watching that lightning tear the shit out of that tree gave me all the oohs and aahs I need to fill my recommended daily allowance.
Another oddity and something that did not really occur to me until late June is that despite all the rain there has been little if any flooding. There was a typhoon last year that killed about a thousand people and left over 100,000 homeless. The agriculture industry is still recovering. Most typhoons kill a dozen or so people. And this was only a small category 1 typhoon. It was unusually dry prior to the typhoon so once the rains came they caused mudslides and floods that did most of the damage. An entire town was wiped off the map by mudslides. It is no more. Pi Chi went there. I have seen pictures.
This year’s month of wet was proceeded by plenty of rain. It did not rain every day in May, but there was more than enough for my liking. One of my concerns when we moved to our current apartment was that the windows do not let in nearly as much light as in our previous apartment. This has not been an issue since there have only been a few sunny days in the entire time we have been here. It has been the opposite of super cool.
It rained every day in June. It was not a constant Forrest Gump rain. Sometimes it would stop for a few hours, but there was some amount of rainfall every single day. And it was raining every day I drove to work. If you know anything about the way the Chinese drive then you know why this is exceptionally dangerous. It rained almost every day in July, but there were a few relatively dry days and even one or two where one could see the sun.
When I was 8 it rained a lot. It seemed like it rained forever, but it was probably only a few days. I looked it up online and some almanac site said there was 33.44 inches (849mm) of rainfall that year; the most in over 100 years. So maybe my memory is not so exaggerated. That same site said that 2005 was even worse (38”/964mm), but I was not there.
By comparison, we usually get about 1800mm of rain here every year. There are no official figures for this June yet. At least I could not find any in the five seconds I looked. But I found a news article that reported 611mm of rainfall. In one month. That seems like a lot to me. And it rains less here than most counties.
I have been to Thailand during the rainy season. It rains a lot there, too. Bangkok gets about 300mm in September. It is always hot and humid in Bangkok, but I have never seen it rain there as much as it is raining here. I have been to Hong Kong in August, when they get an average of 400mm. It did not rain nearly as much as it is raining here. But Hong Kong’s weather has been odd lately, what with a horrible pollution problem and all that fake climate change the Boston reenactors like to tell you about. The last 10 years have set new records in heat and rain.
One of the foreigners at my school is from England and he said it has rained more here than anything he has ever seen there. I always thought London was a particularly rainy city, but everything I have seen during my brief rainfall research says that there is rarely over 60mm in any given month. That seems piss poor by Asian standards.
There was one day at work when lightning was clearly visible from the classrooms. The reason we saw lightning on only one day is because the buildings here are so close together that one cannot see the sky without standing on the top floor and making an unreasonable effort to look upward. My school is in a small town, but the downtown area likes to pretend that it is a big city. The children reacted much as my class did when I was five years old. Except that these children are all over 10 and they live in a part of the world that sees far more rain and lightning than I did at their age. Their exaggerated reactions to common events never fail to surprise me. Lizards used to enter the classroom every day in the tiny farm village I lived in a few years ago. The children would always scream and panic at first sight. And then their attention was always fixed on the lizard rather than whatever fascinating grammar point I was teaching until it left the room. Mosquitos are the most common pest around here; in numbers probably as numerous as cockroaches and scooter monkeys. And yet every single time one flies into the classroom it gets the students’ undivided attention. When a cockroach enters the room I might as well dismiss the class. I suppose I should be most surprised by my own reactions since their melodramatics are such common events.
In sharp contrast to the predictable reactions of Chinese children, my American adult reactions sometimes even surprise myself. With all the rain there has been a fair amount of lightning. Largely invisible in the classroom, it is noticeable at home and even more obvious on the road. Usually when I drive to work there is lightning somewhere in the distance. After watching it almost every day for over two months it became far too commonplace to warrant a mention. But one day the lightning realized that sparks in the distance were not impressing me and it decided to give me a more interesting show. Instead of ignoring brief flashes from one direction I was looking at bright lights bursting all around me. And the accompanying thunder was so loud that I could hear it over the tunes blasting in the car. I wanted to pull over and watch but I was on the way to work. And I never leave early enough to make time to stop and watch the lightning.
The good thing about driving in constant traffic is that when you drive through a lightning storm there really is no need to worry about your car acting as a lightning rod. There are always plenty of trucks and larger vehicles around me to take one for the team should the need arise. I never got to see that, but while I was at a red light I watched a nearby tree explode like Peter North. It was super cool, as the kids say. I assume some children somewhere say that. I have never been the kind of person who particularly cares about fireworks shows, but watching that lightning tear the shit out of that tree gave me all the oohs and aahs I need to fill my recommended daily allowance.
Another oddity and something that did not really occur to me until late June is that despite all the rain there has been little if any flooding. There was a typhoon last year that killed about a thousand people and left over 100,000 homeless. The agriculture industry is still recovering. Most typhoons kill a dozen or so people. And this was only a small category 1 typhoon. It was unusually dry prior to the typhoon so once the rains came they caused mudslides and floods that did most of the damage. An entire town was wiped off the map by mudslides. It is no more. Pi Chi went there. I have seen pictures.
This year’s month of wet was proceeded by plenty of rain. It did not rain every day in May, but there was more than enough for my liking. One of my concerns when we moved to our current apartment was that the windows do not let in nearly as much light as in our previous apartment. This has not been an issue since there have only been a few sunny days in the entire time we have been here. It has been the opposite of super cool.
10 August 2010
Seven Year Itch
It is over. I tried everything I could to fix it, but it simply was not meant to be. I really do not believe that things are meant to be or not, but sometimes it is much easier to tell yourself when something turns to shit that it was not meant to be. And I suppose I cannot say that I exhausted every possible means to fix it. The more I think about it, the more options there probably are. But I am getting older and less willing to put more time and effort into lost causes than I used to be.
I bought my computer before I moved to this strange and exotic land where unbridled selfishness and bridled generosity coexist side by side. Actually, I only bought half of it. My brother and his wife threw the other half into the pot. That was a very good deal for me since I was trying to save as much money as I possibly could to move to the other side of the world. As it turned out I had just enough cash to make it to my first paycheck. We will call it a paycheck for the sake of discussion. Nobody is paid in checks around here. Had I bought my computer by myself I would have had to cash a traveler’s check. I am not really sure why I had traveler’s checks. They seem completely unnecessary now. Bill Gates could walk down the streets around here with whatever he spends on blow each week and he would be completely safe. I use Mr Gates as an example because you have to assume that his addictions are far more expensive than ours and he is not exactly Mr Olympia. A 90 pound Chinese dude could take him down.
I want to say that the computer was good to me, but it was trouble right from the beginning. The first time I turned it on it would not turn on. There was always some problem between the battery and the steam pistons or whatever the battery connects to to make the gears and widgets spin round. It turns out my computer was what people in the know call “refurbished”. I bought a used computer without knowing I was buying a used computer. This meant that in addition to all the problems you get when you buy someone else’s computer, it was older than a new computer would have been. This will be an important point as this riveting tale develops. Believe me, you do not want to just skip to the end. You want to read every little detail from beginning to end so you get the full effect of this topsy turvy, yet literarily oblique and heart-warming story of a hooker with a heart of gold and an abandoned companion monkey for the handicapped who shows her the true meaning of Columbus Day just before her top secret rocket scientist ex-fiance discovers that meteors are heading toward the Moon and that the impact will cause the Moon to collide with the Earth and the only person who can save the bookish college girl’s rags to riches wedding to the prince (of darkness?) is a former professional baseball player turned alcoholic bounty hunter whose mother discovered a cure for Tourette syndrome just before she was shipwrecked on a deserted island that holds strange powers for anyone willing to make a leap of faith and journey into the unknown world of those orange traffic cones. I am thinking Judi Dench as Earth President and Steve Guttenberg as the voice of the caterpillar.
Eventually I found that my computer worked best without the battery. This was not much of an issue at home since I could plug it into the wall, but proved problematic whenever I wanted to utilize its portability as a laptop, or what the kids today call a notebook computer. I have never actually used a computer on my lap, so I suppose notebook makes more sense. But I still call them laptops.
Another consideration is that I lived in a very dirty town for the first few years that I had this computer. Most of the towns around here are dirty. This is a pretty dirty country. I guess after five thousand years of brutal rule by emperors and dictators cleanliness becomes less of a priority. If you take your laptop off your lap and take the battery out you may notice that the innards of your computer are exposed for all the elements to see. A laptop without a battery in a dirty environment soon becomes a dirty laptop. I am no expert on electronical things but I assume that filth and insects having a party inside the computer is not good. So I used to unplug the battery and leave it inside. This is actually a bad idea.
Computers get hot. Laptop computers run hotter than those lapless computers. There is a little sticker on my computer that says it is supposed to run hot and the user, in this case me, should just chill. Ain’t nothing but a thing. I am paraphrasing.
Did you know that the contacts on laptop computer batteries melt easily? They do. Or at least mine did. My computer’s battery was rendered useless by my actions only a few months after I bought half the thing. This was never really an issue since the computer never worked with the battery anyway.
Since this was my first laptop I was not at all familiar with the mouse. When I first got it to turn on I was all like dude. My sister-in-law said, “Yo, Homes. Don’t go all mental and stuff. You’ll get used to it.” And she was right. I took to using that weird laptop mouse like a duck to sweet and sour sauce. And then it broke down on me. The little finger pad that moves the cursor around was fully functional, as they all are when I use my fingers, but the buttons were as useless as earplugs on Buddha’s birthday.
Then I up and got me a virus. This was one of those famous viruses that was doing the rounds so I felt better about it. Then I realized that I was just as stupid as every other dipshit in the world who got the famous virus. Boss Lady’s husband also got the virus and he said he took his computer to some guy somewhere and gave his computer some antibiotics. This presented an interesting dilemma. I could either buy a new computer or let some guy somewhere have my computer for a few days and hope for the best. The first lesson all foreigners learn when they come here is that not a single one of these people can drive to save their lives. The second lesson is that absolutely none of them seem to take any pride in their work. Everywhere I have ever gone I have seen that doing a mediocre job is always good enough. Perhaps the horrid driving, laziness and indifference to the consequences of both are related. I settled on using some questionable bootleg CD from Boss Lady’s husband and it completely wiped out the virus. As far as I know.
Bootleg CDs are a dime a dozen around here. Go to any night market and you will see bins full of CDs, often at prices as low as 10 for $1. A dime is never what it used to be and a dozen is an alien concept. Eggs sell in cartons of ten or less. Or more. But not 12. You can get movies that have not yet come out in American theaters and music CDs by bands that misspell their own names and do not seem to know which songs should be on which albums. I have seen that Tom Cruise movie, “Top Guy”, more times than I can count. Bootleg software is also very popular.
Pi Chi has at least three computers, which is how I am able to make the magic that you are reading at this exact moment in time. None of them have an officially authorized copy of Windows. One of them has a little popup message every time she turns it on that tells her that real Windows is better. Other than that popup her bootleg Windows seems to work just as well. The computer that I am using right now has a bootleg antivirus program that constantly says that the same virus is alive and well. Whenever I tell it to do its job it says it has. The next time I turn the computer on that same virus pops up according to the bootleg software.
My own computer has the latest and greatest of official antivirus software known to humanity. It was not easy to get. One can actually buy legal software around here. It is uncommon, but possible. The hard part was finding what I wanted in English. I would have settled for what I did not want in English. Everything readily available is in Chinese and when I began this quest five or six years ago my Chinese was limited to “how much for special service” and “is there any eel rectum in that”.
I tried to download the official English version of what I wanted but the Internet said no. That could have been because of some virus that was smart enough to keep me from getting what I needed to kill it or it could have been because quite a few websites around here are blocked. I have no idea why an official English antivirus website would be blocked, but poems seldom rhyme in Chinese and reason is subjective.
I just happen to know someone who works for the very same company that makes the antivirus software that I wanted. He said he would send me a copy. A legal copy, I assumed. Unfortunately, he seems to be busier than St Claus on the odd year when the new viagra prescription coincidentally comes in on Christmas day and our frequency of communication trickled down as it often does when people move to the other side of the world. I seem to talk to very few people on that hemisphere these days, and only rarely.
When I went to Korea in the spring or autumn of whatever year that was I thought I might be able to find something in Seoul. After all, Seoul is a hotbed of computer-like activity, as hot beds go. It took some effort but I found something in English in that computer area that you have to walk through that tunnel to get to. You know the one. My concern was that English does not always mean English. It said English in English on the box. I checked for any typos or the obvious mistakes one finds in everything written in English by people who do not know English. It said it was official and had an official seal, but so do many bootlegs. I took a chance and bought it since I never found anything better. When I took it home everything looked English and official. It never worked. I have no idea why. If I used to know then I cannot remember. If it was a bootleg it was the best looking bootleg of anything I have ever seen.
I eventually got my official antivirus software in English from a Best Buy in California. They did not ship it to me. None of those places ship out of the United States. I just happen to know someone who went to California during my antivirus quest and he was as busy as Claus in July when the Mrs is in niddah. It is not who you know but when you know them.
What finally killed my computer was not any virus or battery problem or mouse. My computer actually still works. The problem is that the adapter is dead. If you have been paying attention you know why I cannot use my computer without the adapter. Finding a new adapter has proven impossible* (refer to the opening paragraph). It seems that my adapter was made about ten years ago. They simply do not make them in that size any more. I can get an adapter locally with the correct volts and amps but it will not physically plug into my computer. I can get an adapter to the adapter online, but the two sizes that seem to be available with the correct volts and amps are not the right size for my computer. The person I spoke to who seemed to be the most knowledgeable about these things said that it is generally assumed that nobody has a computer that was made ten years ago. Not in the laptop variety at least.
I can use one of Pi Chi’s largely illegal computers and keep searching in vain for a used 10-year-old adapter or I can get a new computer. The problem with buying a new computer is the same as buying anything else around here. Getting Windows in English legally will be difficult. My Chinese is better than it was six years ago, but if I know anything about computers it is that wacky shit will happen. Sometimes it is hard enough to interpret English messages when it happens. I do not think anyone teaches a course on wacky computer shit Chinese. Pi Chi’s probably illegal computer was nice enough to prove my point and did some wacky shit while I was typing the part about Korea. It did things I have never seen before on any computer in any language and I pushed enough buttons to stop it. I have no idea what happened or how I fixed it. Which only means I have no idea what to do the next time.
Finding Windows in English is only half the battle. Once I did I would have to install it myself. If I let the computer people install it they would do their usual half-assed job. I installed Windows 95 on a computer 100 years ago. It took a very long time. I assume whatever the latest version of Windows is takes longer. Since it is new and improved maybe it is faster. Somehow I doubt it. If installing Windows Today is anything like installing Windows 95 then I know the Chinese computer shop guy will simply click yes to everything or no to everything. Neither is probably in my best interest. There will also be other options that he does not understand and he will just click at random. And the installation will probably be incomplete so I will have constant issues for the life of the computer. Installing it myself is the only option. My complete lack of faith in Chinese professionals is not mere cynicism. It comes from experience.
Another point to consider is that the computers here are crap. Everything is made in China anyway but what they make for the Western market is of much higher quality than what they make for Asia. All the Chinese on the keyboard does not bother me since I never look at teh kyebroad wehjn I tipe anjwey. But the quality bothers me. It is like playing on a Playskool instead of a Steinway. My old powerless Chinese American laptop has a sweet keyboard. The Chinese Chinese keyboard that I am typing on now reminds me of an old 10-key calculator I used when I worked at a bedroom furniture manufacturer in Lynwood. That place was about 30 years behind the times then.
The good news about getting a new computer is the same as it always is when you leave behind a 10-year-old computer. My late computer has a 40GB hard drive, 512MB memory. That was pretty good 10 years ago. Every time I plug anything into a USB port I get a message that says, “This device can perform faster.” Sadly, it cannot. The USB port is 10 years old. When I play CDs on the computer it is not really what you might call CD quality. And DVDs are hilarious. If you like the Keystone Kops.
I was using Word 2000. There was nothing wrong with it, but now that I have seen the newest version, or at least the newest Chinese bootleg version, I am a little perplexed by all the bells and whistles. There are icons that might as well be in Chinese. And more than a few that are.
I have thought about buying a computer online. Buying a computer online seems strange to me. Like renting a car to buy a new car. I have never been much of an online shopper. None of the American manufacturers or retailers that I have looked at ship internationally. Pi Chi and I will be taking a trip soon. I am thinking about getting a new computer then. English Windows might still be a challenge but at least I should be able to find it in a language I am more comfortable with than Chinese. Pi Chi routinely tells me that I should have bought a computer when we were in South Africa last year. I could live with the improper British spelling but my time machine is still in the shop. I am letting Chinese repairmen work on it so it might be a while.
I bought my computer before I moved to this strange and exotic land where unbridled selfishness and bridled generosity coexist side by side. Actually, I only bought half of it. My brother and his wife threw the other half into the pot. That was a very good deal for me since I was trying to save as much money as I possibly could to move to the other side of the world. As it turned out I had just enough cash to make it to my first paycheck. We will call it a paycheck for the sake of discussion. Nobody is paid in checks around here. Had I bought my computer by myself I would have had to cash a traveler’s check. I am not really sure why I had traveler’s checks. They seem completely unnecessary now. Bill Gates could walk down the streets around here with whatever he spends on blow each week and he would be completely safe. I use Mr Gates as an example because you have to assume that his addictions are far more expensive than ours and he is not exactly Mr Olympia. A 90 pound Chinese dude could take him down.
I want to say that the computer was good to me, but it was trouble right from the beginning. The first time I turned it on it would not turn on. There was always some problem between the battery and the steam pistons or whatever the battery connects to to make the gears and widgets spin round. It turns out my computer was what people in the know call “refurbished”. I bought a used computer without knowing I was buying a used computer. This meant that in addition to all the problems you get when you buy someone else’s computer, it was older than a new computer would have been. This will be an important point as this riveting tale develops. Believe me, you do not want to just skip to the end. You want to read every little detail from beginning to end so you get the full effect of this topsy turvy, yet literarily oblique and heart-warming story of a hooker with a heart of gold and an abandoned companion monkey for the handicapped who shows her the true meaning of Columbus Day just before her top secret rocket scientist ex-fiance discovers that meteors are heading toward the Moon and that the impact will cause the Moon to collide with the Earth and the only person who can save the bookish college girl’s rags to riches wedding to the prince (of darkness?) is a former professional baseball player turned alcoholic bounty hunter whose mother discovered a cure for Tourette syndrome just before she was shipwrecked on a deserted island that holds strange powers for anyone willing to make a leap of faith and journey into the unknown world of those orange traffic cones. I am thinking Judi Dench as Earth President and Steve Guttenberg as the voice of the caterpillar.
Eventually I found that my computer worked best without the battery. This was not much of an issue at home since I could plug it into the wall, but proved problematic whenever I wanted to utilize its portability as a laptop, or what the kids today call a notebook computer. I have never actually used a computer on my lap, so I suppose notebook makes more sense. But I still call them laptops.
Another consideration is that I lived in a very dirty town for the first few years that I had this computer. Most of the towns around here are dirty. This is a pretty dirty country. I guess after five thousand years of brutal rule by emperors and dictators cleanliness becomes less of a priority. If you take your laptop off your lap and take the battery out you may notice that the innards of your computer are exposed for all the elements to see. A laptop without a battery in a dirty environment soon becomes a dirty laptop. I am no expert on electronical things but I assume that filth and insects having a party inside the computer is not good. So I used to unplug the battery and leave it inside. This is actually a bad idea.
Computers get hot. Laptop computers run hotter than those lapless computers. There is a little sticker on my computer that says it is supposed to run hot and the user, in this case me, should just chill. Ain’t nothing but a thing. I am paraphrasing.
Did you know that the contacts on laptop computer batteries melt easily? They do. Or at least mine did. My computer’s battery was rendered useless by my actions only a few months after I bought half the thing. This was never really an issue since the computer never worked with the battery anyway.
Since this was my first laptop I was not at all familiar with the mouse. When I first got it to turn on I was all like dude. My sister-in-law said, “Yo, Homes. Don’t go all mental and stuff. You’ll get used to it.” And she was right. I took to using that weird laptop mouse like a duck to sweet and sour sauce. And then it broke down on me. The little finger pad that moves the cursor around was fully functional, as they all are when I use my fingers, but the buttons were as useless as earplugs on Buddha’s birthday.
Then I up and got me a virus. This was one of those famous viruses that was doing the rounds so I felt better about it. Then I realized that I was just as stupid as every other dipshit in the world who got the famous virus. Boss Lady’s husband also got the virus and he said he took his computer to some guy somewhere and gave his computer some antibiotics. This presented an interesting dilemma. I could either buy a new computer or let some guy somewhere have my computer for a few days and hope for the best. The first lesson all foreigners learn when they come here is that not a single one of these people can drive to save their lives. The second lesson is that absolutely none of them seem to take any pride in their work. Everywhere I have ever gone I have seen that doing a mediocre job is always good enough. Perhaps the horrid driving, laziness and indifference to the consequences of both are related. I settled on using some questionable bootleg CD from Boss Lady’s husband and it completely wiped out the virus. As far as I know.
Bootleg CDs are a dime a dozen around here. Go to any night market and you will see bins full of CDs, often at prices as low as 10 for $1. A dime is never what it used to be and a dozen is an alien concept. Eggs sell in cartons of ten or less. Or more. But not 12. You can get movies that have not yet come out in American theaters and music CDs by bands that misspell their own names and do not seem to know which songs should be on which albums. I have seen that Tom Cruise movie, “Top Guy”, more times than I can count. Bootleg software is also very popular.
Pi Chi has at least three computers, which is how I am able to make the magic that you are reading at this exact moment in time. None of them have an officially authorized copy of Windows. One of them has a little popup message every time she turns it on that tells her that real Windows is better. Other than that popup her bootleg Windows seems to work just as well. The computer that I am using right now has a bootleg antivirus program that constantly says that the same virus is alive and well. Whenever I tell it to do its job it says it has. The next time I turn the computer on that same virus pops up according to the bootleg software.
My own computer has the latest and greatest of official antivirus software known to humanity. It was not easy to get. One can actually buy legal software around here. It is uncommon, but possible. The hard part was finding what I wanted in English. I would have settled for what I did not want in English. Everything readily available is in Chinese and when I began this quest five or six years ago my Chinese was limited to “how much for special service” and “is there any eel rectum in that”.
I tried to download the official English version of what I wanted but the Internet said no. That could have been because of some virus that was smart enough to keep me from getting what I needed to kill it or it could have been because quite a few websites around here are blocked. I have no idea why an official English antivirus website would be blocked, but poems seldom rhyme in Chinese and reason is subjective.
I just happen to know someone who works for the very same company that makes the antivirus software that I wanted. He said he would send me a copy. A legal copy, I assumed. Unfortunately, he seems to be busier than St Claus on the odd year when the new viagra prescription coincidentally comes in on Christmas day and our frequency of communication trickled down as it often does when people move to the other side of the world. I seem to talk to very few people on that hemisphere these days, and only rarely.
When I went to Korea in the spring or autumn of whatever year that was I thought I might be able to find something in Seoul. After all, Seoul is a hotbed of computer-like activity, as hot beds go. It took some effort but I found something in English in that computer area that you have to walk through that tunnel to get to. You know the one. My concern was that English does not always mean English. It said English in English on the box. I checked for any typos or the obvious mistakes one finds in everything written in English by people who do not know English. It said it was official and had an official seal, but so do many bootlegs. I took a chance and bought it since I never found anything better. When I took it home everything looked English and official. It never worked. I have no idea why. If I used to know then I cannot remember. If it was a bootleg it was the best looking bootleg of anything I have ever seen.
I eventually got my official antivirus software in English from a Best Buy in California. They did not ship it to me. None of those places ship out of the United States. I just happen to know someone who went to California during my antivirus quest and he was as busy as Claus in July when the Mrs is in niddah. It is not who you know but when you know them.
What finally killed my computer was not any virus or battery problem or mouse. My computer actually still works. The problem is that the adapter is dead. If you have been paying attention you know why I cannot use my computer without the adapter. Finding a new adapter has proven impossible* (refer to the opening paragraph). It seems that my adapter was made about ten years ago. They simply do not make them in that size any more. I can get an adapter locally with the correct volts and amps but it will not physically plug into my computer. I can get an adapter to the adapter online, but the two sizes that seem to be available with the correct volts and amps are not the right size for my computer. The person I spoke to who seemed to be the most knowledgeable about these things said that it is generally assumed that nobody has a computer that was made ten years ago. Not in the laptop variety at least.
I can use one of Pi Chi’s largely illegal computers and keep searching in vain for a used 10-year-old adapter or I can get a new computer. The problem with buying a new computer is the same as buying anything else around here. Getting Windows in English legally will be difficult. My Chinese is better than it was six years ago, but if I know anything about computers it is that wacky shit will happen. Sometimes it is hard enough to interpret English messages when it happens. I do not think anyone teaches a course on wacky computer shit Chinese. Pi Chi’s probably illegal computer was nice enough to prove my point and did some wacky shit while I was typing the part about Korea. It did things I have never seen before on any computer in any language and I pushed enough buttons to stop it. I have no idea what happened or how I fixed it. Which only means I have no idea what to do the next time.
Finding Windows in English is only half the battle. Once I did I would have to install it myself. If I let the computer people install it they would do their usual half-assed job. I installed Windows 95 on a computer 100 years ago. It took a very long time. I assume whatever the latest version of Windows is takes longer. Since it is new and improved maybe it is faster. Somehow I doubt it. If installing Windows Today is anything like installing Windows 95 then I know the Chinese computer shop guy will simply click yes to everything or no to everything. Neither is probably in my best interest. There will also be other options that he does not understand and he will just click at random. And the installation will probably be incomplete so I will have constant issues for the life of the computer. Installing it myself is the only option. My complete lack of faith in Chinese professionals is not mere cynicism. It comes from experience.
Another point to consider is that the computers here are crap. Everything is made in China anyway but what they make for the Western market is of much higher quality than what they make for Asia. All the Chinese on the keyboard does not bother me since I never look at teh kyebroad wehjn I tipe anjwey. But the quality bothers me. It is like playing on a Playskool instead of a Steinway. My old powerless Chinese American laptop has a sweet keyboard. The Chinese Chinese keyboard that I am typing on now reminds me of an old 10-key calculator I used when I worked at a bedroom furniture manufacturer in Lynwood. That place was about 30 years behind the times then.
The good news about getting a new computer is the same as it always is when you leave behind a 10-year-old computer. My late computer has a 40GB hard drive, 512MB memory. That was pretty good 10 years ago. Every time I plug anything into a USB port I get a message that says, “This device can perform faster.” Sadly, it cannot. The USB port is 10 years old. When I play CDs on the computer it is not really what you might call CD quality. And DVDs are hilarious. If you like the Keystone Kops.
I was using Word 2000. There was nothing wrong with it, but now that I have seen the newest version, or at least the newest Chinese bootleg version, I am a little perplexed by all the bells and whistles. There are icons that might as well be in Chinese. And more than a few that are.
I have thought about buying a computer online. Buying a computer online seems strange to me. Like renting a car to buy a new car. I have never been much of an online shopper. None of the American manufacturers or retailers that I have looked at ship internationally. Pi Chi and I will be taking a trip soon. I am thinking about getting a new computer then. English Windows might still be a challenge but at least I should be able to find it in a language I am more comfortable with than Chinese. Pi Chi routinely tells me that I should have bought a computer when we were in South Africa last year. I could live with the improper British spelling but my time machine is still in the shop. I am letting Chinese repairmen work on it so it might be a while.
05 June 2010
Little House In The Big Woods
I cannot for the life of me remember how many times I have moved. We moved when I was two years old, but I have no memories of that. I have vague memories of the little house I lived in for the first two years of my life, but those could be memories of photographs I have seen of the house. We stayed in the house I remember most from my childhood for a long time. Until we started moving again. This is the house my sisters and I were accused of trying to burn down. We could have for all I know, but they say we did not, and they were always older than I, so I am inclined to take their word for it. There is also a far more likely suspect. When an angry crime has been committed and your main suspects are a four-year-old child and a violent sociopath, you should probably rule out the four-year-old.
This is the house where I never had a bedroom. I slept in a bedroom until I was six years old, but I slept in a sleeping bag inside a closet. This did not seem unusual at the time. And we were not even Irish. It is only when you become an adult that you realize how bizarre childhood is. Not that my siblings had it much better. They slept on beds in bedrooms, but their bedrooms were also the only entrances to other rooms. This was not a house designed for privacy.
One day when I came home there was a fancy new bed in the living room. I was told it was a gift to me from my mother. This was very unusual. The bed stayed in the living room for a long time. At age six I was not the Herculean specimen that I am today. Moving a bed from one room to another was beyond my power. Getting someone else to do it was even less likely. Eventually the bed was moved to the garage. That is where I slept until we moved out of the house. Sleeping in a garage without insulation is not the exciting boy scout adventure it seems. Fortunately, we did not live in Minnesota. The garage was also never cleaned. Ever. Most of what I know about entomology I learned as a child.
This is also the house that had one bathroom for about 50 people. The less said about that the better.
This house had a large front yard, which was the perfect place for children to run around sprinklers. And it was large enough to hold all the bloody bits and pieces of a litter of kittens that had been violently torn apart. The house was on a very wide residential street on which our cats loved to sleep. We found more than a few of them dead as the day they were born. I do not remember a single driver ever stopping after running over our pets. On one occasion I was in the living room eating a bowl of Sugar Smacks when we heard about a dead cat in the street. We went out to take a look and I got a good view of the cat’s brains spread out in a tire pattern. It looked a lot like the Sugar Smacks. The rest of the cat’s body was intact. The car ran over only its head. When I went back in I tried to finish my cereal but was unsuccessful. I have never eaten Sugar Smacks since.
But the best part of this house was the backyard. It was huge. There was a large walnut tree in the middle of the yard that we used more for climbing than picking walnuts. We let most of the walnuts rot on the ground. We were never the smartest people in the world when it came to grocery management. There was also a very large brick barbecue grill near the tree. I only remember it mostly broken apart, but according to old photographs it was once an impressive outdoor kitchen. My friends and I would always try to climb higher up the tree than each other. All of them fell out of that tree at one time or another. I never did. One of them fell on a mangled brick and concrete wall. I do not remember if he broke anything, but his back was badly cut.
I vividly remember the day we moved out of this house. I walked through the rooms when all of our crap was finally removed and thought it strange to see the house I had lived in for almost all of my life completely empty. To this day I have lived in this house longer than any other.
Once the moving began it never really ended. We lived in several houses before I went to high school. We were in one for about seven months. What I remember most about this house was that it had air conditioning. I thought this was the greatest thing in the world. I would not see such an electronic marvel again until my first year at college. The air conditioning came in handy because this was an unusually hot summer. I spent most of the summer drinking a soda called Aspen. It was an apple flavored drink made by Pepsi that boasted the most caffeine and sugar. That might be why they discontinued it. I think Aspen was my gateway drink to Mountain Dew. I loved Aspen until it left me and I lived off Mountain Dew until drinking it interfered with living.
I got my first taste of apartment living just before high school. The building called the unit we were in a townhouse, but it was really a large apartment. The benefit to living in an apartment was that we had access to something I never thought we would ever have; a swimming pool. It was not at all private and at one point the building manager put a fence around it, making it impossible to run around and jump into, but it was still a swimming pool.
When I went to college I lived in at least three or four different apartments. Two of them were in the same building and had not only a swimming pool but also a hot tub. A hot tub is a very good thing to have when you are in college. This and driving a van in high school did more for me with the ladies than my hunger strike physique and sarcastic indifference.
After college I moved pretty much every time I changed jobs. I would usually try to commute only to give up and move. And then repeat the process for the next job. Sometimes I would grace relatives with my delightful presence. If it is any consolation I reaped the karmic rewards when Pi Chi’s sister lived with us for a year.
Eventually I moved to the other side of the world, where everybody walks on their hands and hamburgers eat people. This curtailed my moving habits considerably. I have mostly lived in two cities the entire time I have been here, not counting the first few weeks before I found a job. I stayed in the little farm village for almost three years. That is longer than I lived in most apartments in my own country. From there I lived in Pi Chi’s apartment for about a year. With her younger sister.
The difference between Pi Chi’s sister’s freeloading off Pi Chi and my freeloading off my relatives is that Pi Chi’s sister had a job the entire time she lived with us. She then made and continues to make more money than Pi Chi and I combined. Although that does not say much. She also makes more money than Pi Chi, Pi Chi’s second sister, Pi Chi’s second sister’s husband and I combined. She also drives a very expensive car that she could sell if necessary. But she would never need to because her parents own a relatively new and sufficiently spacious house with enough spare rooms for her and other wayward adult children if the need ever arises. Also unlike me, Pi Chi’s younger sister has a healthy relationship with her parents and has spoken to them in the past ten years.
I moved into Pi Chi’s apartment the day I left my first school. I did not have a job and was in no hurry to find one. After working six days a week I wanted to take some time off. This is not as easy as it seems when you live in a country where your residency is predicated on your employment. I have also noticed that no matter where in the world they are, most women are not thrilled when their man has no job. But when I got back on that horse I found myself working 45 minutes away from Pi Chi’s apartment. A 45 minute commute in the real world is nothing. Around here it is like slowly peeling off a layer of skin from your entire body in one motion while peddling a unicycle with one toe and juggling Fabergé eggs. On a moonless night while wearing sunglasses. During a typhoon. While you have malaria.
In order to take Pi Chi’s car to work I had to wake up at the crack of ungodly early and take her to work. After my work I had to go to her work to take her home. This is logistically very easy, but annoying when you consider that she works days and I work nights. We both had to wake up early and get home late every day. She had to wait around her work for about five hours, which only meant that she would do more work. Off the clock. This kind of thing is not rewarded in her country. It only encourages the people in charge to create more and more work. I had to wake up about ten hours before I had to go to work. If it sounds like slacker whining to complain about waking up early in the morning, try waking up ten hours before you have to go to work every day and see how your day goes.
I tried to find an apartment closer to my work, but Pi Chi and I would have lived apart since there is no way in hell she is ever going to live anywhere near the tiny town where I work. Pi Chi is a bit of a snob and can only live where rich people might conceivably live. Even though she has never been rich. There are no rich people in the town where I work. No rich person could ever live there without losing face. It also might be impossible to find an apartment in that town.
But it was very easy to find an apartment closer to Pi Chi’s work. Her hospital owns two separate apartment complexes right next to the hospital. The older complex is full of older buildings where hospital staff live. We looked at a few apartments there and hated them. Pi Chi hated the fact that none of them would ever impress anyone and I hated the fact that they all sucked like a drunken prom date who is about to vomit.
The second complex is much newer and nicer. And more expensive. It consists of four buildings. One is used as a temporary hotel for relatives of patients. Another is supposedly going to be a hotel. Some day. This country is littered with empty apartment buildings that the owners would rather see empty than rent or sell for a lower price. There are also more than a few buildings that no one seems to know what to do with. So someone comes along with a rumor about what it will eventually become and everyone accepts it as fact. The old condemned telephone company building across the street from Pi Chi’s old apartment is going to be a shopping mall. Some day. That is what they told her when she bought the apartment 15 years ago.
Two of the apartment buildings in the newer hospital apartment building complex are actually used for apartments. I was told they only had three-bedroom apartments so that is what we looked at. The first thing I noticed in all of the apartments was light. Chinese people are deathly afraid of sunlight. They cover themselves like non-French Muslims from head to toe when they go to the beach. They walk with umbrellas on moderately sunny days. And they all cover every inch of their windows. Most of the apartment buildings I have seen here have small windows. I am not even sure why they have them at all since windows are obviously festering portals of evil sunlight. But the newer hospital apartments had large windows. In every room. Sunlight was penetrating those apartments from every direction like a teenager lucky enough to have a drunken prom date who is about to vomit. The first thing Pi Chi said was that we would need to buy curtains. I told her that was simply not going to happen. I found the one building in the country where I do not have to turn on the lights in the daytime. Since it was high enough to be above the surrounding buildings I saw no reason to cover those windows. Unless Superman flies by, no one will ever be able to see in. And Superman almost never comes here.
The newer hospital apartments also had another rarity in these parts. They had real kitchens. Every other apartment I have seen in this country has at best a half-assed kitchen. It is usually a sink and maybe a stove against one of the walls. Even the nicer apartments where the “rich” people live have shitty kitchens. But these were real kitchens. Not only were they separate rooms but they also had more counter space than any kitchen I have ever had in any country. When I saw these kitchens and the windows I knew we were going to live in one of these apartments, regardless of how unlucky the address might be or where the bad spirits are or whether there was good 風水 or not.
By living very close to her hospital, Pi Chi could walk to work and I could take her car without having to wake up at any particular time. We assumed that selling her old apartment would help pay for everything. What we failed to realize is that this country is littered with empty apartment buildings that the owners would rather see empty than rent or sell for a lower price. It is very much a buyer’s market, and none of the buyers are very interested in her apartment. It is not fancy and it is nowhere near anything interesting. Pi Chi hopes it will be worth something when they build that new shopping mall across the street. I think it will be worth something when the sea rises enough to make it beachfront property. Unfortunately, no one around here wants to live near the beach. Too much sunlight.
Now I have moved yet again. It turns out there are one-bedroom apartments in this complex. I could have saved a small fortune if someone had told me that a few years ago. Or at least enough to take a nice vacation. We have decided that it might be a good idea to save money. Try as we might, we cannot get much younger and the older we get the closer we are to the shit hitting the fan. I can only work up to a certain age in this country and old people are treated like lepers here anyway. Poor people are not treated any better in my country. When Pi Chi retires she gets an impressively small check. When I am forced out because old people should be neither seen nor heard I get nothing.
The best way to save money as far as I know is to make more and spend less. Pi Chi will never make more. She is a nurse. They are underpaid everywhere in the world. She is a seasoned veteran in management at her hospital and already making more than they are willing to pay. I can only make more money if I go back to some tiny farm village. There is no way I can do that and live with Pi Chi at the same time. Spending less money is even more difficult. Pi Chi is physically incapable of saving money. She has had the same steady job for over 15 years and I recently saw her bank statement. She had less to show for those 15 years than I make in a single day. And what I make in a day would not impress anyone. I am our only hope of ever saving any money. So you know we are screwed. I only spend money on rent, food and gas. As long as I drive to work I need to buy gas. Food here is very cheap and what I spend each month is less than I would spend in a few days in the real world. Rent is the only thing I can cut back on.
We paid sweaty manual laborers about NT10,000 to haul all of Pi Chi’s crap from her old apartment to the three-bedroom twenty minutes away. That is about 4,000 Mexican pesos. They had to use a large truck with a crane. I drove all of my crap over in her car. In one trip. By comparison, one of the few people who will ever read this blog paid sweaty manual laborers about NT5,000 to haul his crap, his wife’s crap and his young daughter’s crap to a completely different county. If I have told Pi Chi a million times, I have not told her enough, but she has too much crap.
When we moved from the three-bedroom to the one-bedroom Pi Chi found a good deal and only paid the sweaty manual laborers about NT7,000 (3,000 pesos) to move most of her crap to the one-bedroom and some of her crap to the old apartment. Not counting all of the crap I broke my back moving in the week I broke my back moving her crap. We only had a week to move because Pi Chi loves few things more than doing everything at the last minute. We had access to the new apartment for about a month before we started moving and we have had access to her old apartment for years. I could not move anything to the old apartment until the last week because the building decided to change the locks on the elevators and never bothered to give us the new key. This proved to be a more difficult operation than one might assume. I could not move anything to the new apartment until Pi Chi cleaned it which, true to form, she only wanted to do at the last minute. If you have ever lived in rented apartments around here you know that the previous tenant probably trashed the place. I think it is considered unlucky to clean an apartment when you leave. Or at least a dishonor to the spirit voices in your head. I could have simply cleaned the new apartment sooner, you say. You obviously do not know Pi Chi. It is not clean until she says it is clean. Ironically, her standards of clean are much lower than mine. Have nightmares about that if you dare.
So we went from a three-bedroom to a one-bedroom in the same building. Everything is the same style, but smaller. The kitchen is much smaller and not nearly as impressive. All that counter space is gone. The windows are just as big, but now we face another building. So now we have curtains to keep out the evil sunlight. Gone is the extra bathroom. I think one of the reasons Pi Chi and I are still together is that we have never had to share a bathroom. Until now. Time will tell how well that works.
We have lost the spare bedroom. In the three-bedroom apartment we used one bedroom as a bedroom, conventional as we are. Another bedroom was an office of sorts. Meaning it had all of our computers and all of Pi Chi’s research materials. And they needed their own room. I have the same small laptop computer I have had since before I left the real world. Everything about it is out of date, but if I buy a new one here it will have a Chinese keyboard and getting an English version of Windows will be difficult. I have enough experience with local service personnel to know that they will do their usual half-assed job and I will have to waste too much time and energy dealing with the consequences of their lust for apathy. And I know that Windows sucks fat ones, but that is what I still use.
Pi Chi has three or four computers. They all serve a different purpose and some are owned by other people and organizations. Her research sometimes requires her to have multiple computers in multiple locations. It also requires a large collection of medical journals, in many of which she has articles published, most of which I translated, in few of which am I credited. But some of my photographs have been published in said journals. For some reason this is not on my CV. And I am probably not credited with those either.
What was once quietly tucked away in a bedroom is now in what I assume is meant to be a dining area. We rarely dine anyway.
The third bedroom in our three-bedroom apartment was used as a guest bedroom. Almost all of our guests were relatives of Pi Chi. They usually stayed in our apartment because it is very close to her hospital. Whenever anyone Pi Chi knows needs to go to the hospital they go to hers. The great thing about universal healthcare is that it is dirt cheap and nobody goes bankrupt from hospital bills or dies because they cannot afford a procedure. The bad thing about it, at least around here, is that everyone seems to go to the hospital for every little thing. Most of the people in the emergency room at Pi Chi’s hospital are there because of traffic accidents. The second largest population are there for minor headaches and coughs. These people go to the hospital if they sneeze. This makes any hospital visit a lengthy ordeal. Unless you happen to know a head nurse whom the chief of staff has a crush on. More about that later. I go for a state-required physical once a year. Having Pi Chi there cuts my waiting time down drastically.
I say that we moved into the one-bedroom to save money, and that was always my primary motivation, but eliminating the ability of Pi Chi’s family to spend the night was not a completely uninfluential factor. Most of them live within a thirty minute drive anyway. Why do they need to spend the night. Now they can go to the hospital from home like everyone else. Or stay at the hospital’s patient hotel.
But in the rare event that anyone wants to visit me, all is not lost. We no longer have an extra room, but now we have an extra apartment. Since no one showed any interest in buying Pi Chi’s old apartment during the two and a half years it was on the market we have decided to use it as a storage space. Try as she might, and believe me she tried, Pi Chi cannot fit all of her crap into this one-bedroom apartment. If anyone comes from out of town we cannot offer a spare room, but we can offer a spare three-bedroom apartment in a secure building (by local standards) with a fully functional kitchen(like area), air conditioning in most of the rooms (an absolute must), a bed, plenty of couches and chairs, a full dining room set, free parking (a rarity around here), a pool (usually empty), and boxes of crap we could not fit into our apartment. I plan to move more crap in when Pi Chi is not looking. The spare apartment is conveniently situated between two 7-11s. As is every other apartment. And there is a brand new KTV across the street next to the abandoned telephone company bulding. I have no idea if they offer special service but I am sure the drinks are watered down and overpriced. Mountain Dew is available nearby.
05 May 2010
So You Think You Can Drive Chinese
One of the first things most foreigners notice when they come here is that pedestrians do not have the right of way. Nobody has the right of way. Right of way is an alien concept. As is stopping at red lights, driving in one lane at a time, parking in only one space at a time, driving on the right side of the road. The list is endless. Every day I see people turn left from the right hand lane, turn right from the left hand lane, make u-turns from any lane in any direction, regardless of light color. People park wherever they want. There are very few real parking spaces in the cities so they will park absolutely anywhere. There are very few sidewalks in this country. Probably because if there were people would park on them.
In order to drive here legally you have to pass a written test and a driving test. The driving test is a joke. It is on a closed track without any obstacles. There are no other cars; no trucks, buses, scooters, bicycles, ox carts, farm vehicles, pedestrians or dogs. There are none of the situations every driver faces on the streets every day. If you can start the engine and not hit the borders of the track, you can pass the test. Licensed drivers never have to demonstrate any knowledge of the road or ability to drive. All you are required to do is drive around the track, back into one parking space, parallel park in a space that is much larger than anything you will find in the real world, and drive backwards on a curved road. The most interesting part is driving backwards on the curve because the written test clearly says that this is illegal. To legally drive in this country you must perform a completely illegal maneuver.
The more you drive around here the more it appears that there are few if any rules and regulations, and even less common sense or courtesy. When you see drivers make recklessly illegal moves in front of police officers who do nothing, it is easy to assume that there are no laws. But the laws exist. They are rarely enforced, and I doubt that most drivers know or care about them, but the written test implies that someone somewhere wrote a few things down.
The written test is more challenging than the driving test because of the creative word usements. All of the following are actual questions taken from the study guide, which are the actual questions on the test. I never bothered to study it, but I read most of the questions because I found them amusing.
Most of the questions are simple common sense.
True or false:
* To use overpasses or under passed would be the last resort.
* If driver deliberately kills or injuries someone, he will punished accordingly.
* Vehicles should not break down for lack of water or oil.
* Speeding is one biggest reasons for accidence.
* It is definitely reduce accidence if everyone follows the traffic rule.
* The drunk driver cause serious hurt or death. Will punished for find, his license will canceled and cannot retake.
* Driving is both physical and mental work. With a regular life, driving safety can be ensured.
* Must not reverse on bends, narrow roads, steep slopes or one way roads.
(And yet you have to on the driving test.)
Multiple choice:
* I am good driver and always obey traffic law, for traffic safety, I hope traffic police will (1)observe and strongly enforcing traffic law(2)no observe nor enforcing(3)observe but not enforcing.
(This reveals a great deal about local law enforcement that such a question is even on the test.)
* When the blood sprays out continuously, that will bleeding of (1)vein(2)capillary(3)artery.
(The answer is obvious, but why is this on a driving test?)
* When the broken bone is out of skin, should (1)push it back to original place(2)stop bleeding first(3)sent injurer to hospital.
(If any of my bones are out of my skin, the last person on Earth I want touching me is some dude who just hopped off his scooter.)
There are the usual questions about being a good citizen.
True or false:
* I discover from two passenger whispered conversation they are the drug dealers. To help my country, I should take to police stations and not them to escape.
* If driver has no driving moral, it is misfortune for him and others.
* Politeness and forgiveness is best driving behavior.
Multiple choice:
* If driver wish to uphold national honor, promote social state ability and family happiness, they should (1)have driving morals and obey law(2)have good driving skill(3)not drink or smoking.
* The driver clothes and appearance should (1)have limits(2)clean and dignified(3)not important.
There are also too many questions about weight and height limits for trucks and other things that make more sense on a professional driving test.
True or false:
* If driver finds the infective, mental ill passenger or some carry stinky stuff. He can make excuse and refuse admission to passenger.
* Those with heavy truck driving licenses may a tactor or mini bus.
* Both owner and the driver should responsible for loading goods.
(I assume this is about trucks. Or am I legally obligated to help Pi Chi carry all of her crap out of her car?)
Multiple choice:
* If because of sickness or going abroad, professional driver is unable to his license re-examed on time, he must give proof and have his professional license re-examed within (1)1 months of recovery or returning(2)3 months of recovery or returning(3)6 months of recovery or returning.
* Those who apply for having license to drive container lorry, their past experience should first have drivers license (1)for driving sedan more 1 years or for driving heavy truck more 2 years(2)for driving heavy duty truck more 1 years(3)for driving coach more 1 years or for driving heavy truck more 2 years.
* What is limit truck charring dangerous goods may parked to bridge, tunnel or five? (1)50 meters(2)100 meters(3)200 meters.
* When have old, difficult moving passengers, should (1)say no to them(2)drive after they sit well(3)double passenger fee.
* When loading dangerous goods, must follow regulations. Or will be find and (1)will marked 2 violation points(2)will marked 1 violation points(3)will not marked any violation point.
(How many people really know?)
There are more than a few questions that have questionable answers.
True or false:
* When wishing overtake, should give two short honks or flashing the lights once, wait for car in front slow down or make hand signal. Only then can overtaking.
* If front car doesn’t reduce speed and drive aside, you should not overtake. If you did, you’ll be find and be marked 1 violation points.
(The answers are true. You can only pass another car when it signals that you can pass. That cannot be right. And if it is then absolutely no one in the entire country ever obeys this law. Including me.)
* Only person involved or legal representative or guardian or heir can mediate the accidence.
(The answer is true. My heirs can mediate the accidence. Apparently.)
* When green light says you can pass, driver should pay attention of cars and pedestrians illegal going through red light.
(False. Drivers should not pay attention to anyone running the red light. This explains why no one ever does.)
* Drivers who injured people because broke the traffic safety rule will their license revoked.
(False. Personal injury is a very low priority.)
* When drive on highway, lane for reducing speed, or single lane highway entrance and exit ramps, cannot overtaking. On acceleration lane, if front car drives slowly and blocks traffic, can overtaking.
(False. You can pass someone on a single-lane on-ramp and cannot pass a car that is going slow. I think maybe it should be the other way around.)
* When you driving with tired body, will easily cause accidence.
(False. Tired bodies never cause accidence.)
Multiple choice:
* If driver hit working police officer while drive, his driving license will invalidated and (1)cannot take road test in next year(2)cannot take road test in next 3 year and a find NT30,000-60,000(3)can never take road test.
* Driver who kill people because broke traffic safety will (1)have license canceled and may not retake test for 5 year(2)have license canceled and may not retake test for 3 year(3)have license canceled and must wait year before retake.
(The answers are (2) and (3). If you hit a cop under any circumstance you lose your license for three years and pay a large find. If you kill a civilian while driving illegally you only lose your license for one year and need not worry about paying any pesky finds.)
* Which following illicit behaviors can it are directly reporting police? (1)Unlicensed driving(2)Drunk driving(3)Illegal park without driver attendance.
(You might think the answer is (2). That is the most illegal. But the correct answer is (3).)
* When car is sliding and out of control, you should (1)brake right away and turn opposite direction(2)brake right away and no turn(3)no turn wheel instead, follow the direction of sliding.
(All of these options are stupid and would likely bring pain. The correct answer is (1), which would cause your car to spin uncontrollably.)
And some of the questions I had to read several times before I had any idea what they were talking about.
Multiple choice:
* The two directors on highway dividing by (1)same markings as normal roads(2)absolutely dividing method in order have two unilateral director road(3)color of lights.
* If driver not follow police officer persuasion when commit illegal parking or over speed police (1)can inform driver again(2)cannot inform again(3)can detain driver and car.
* When have serious accidence with you car should (1)have regular check after repaire car(2)have temporary check after repaire car(3)to apply for number plate check after repaire car.
* If vehicle not equipped with tachygriph owner will find (1)$12,000 to 24,000(2)$15,000 to 60,000(3)$ 9,000 to 12,000.
* The car accidence happened inner lane because passer-by or other slow driving car doesn’t follow rule and cause the hurt or death, driver who driving inner lane and follow regulation will punishment is (1)original sentance(2)mitigating the punishment(3)comulating the punishment.
* Driver should taking roadway safety lecture if following illegal behavior is happened (1)Run acrossing railway(2)Cause accidence illegally with license detained(3)Above mentioning correct.
* People should taking roadway safety lecture if following illegal behavior is happened (1)Driver’s left child who under 6 years older or is needing the special care of car alone(2)Legal agent or guardian allow teenager who under 18 years age of unlicensed driving, racing or dangerous-drivering(3)Above mentioning correct.
* If car driver is found that snake on road will punished (1)find, number plate will detained 3 months(2)find, roadway safety lecture(3)find, roadway safety lecture, number plate will detained 3 months.
(I still have no idea what the hell this means. Is the snake punished? Some of my students often write snake when they mean snack, but changing those words does not help.)
* What is main reason to cause the accident while turn left? (1)Driver ignores(2)Dead space(3)Inner wheel turning distance.
* The identification of the “Visional Tunnel Effect” is driver has the visional mistake of bright front side but dark side in surrounding of drunk-driving. Therefore, what will driver visional became if driver is drunk-driving? (1)No visional change(2)Visional becomes hard(3)Visional becomes soft.
* If notice somebody take animals go through road, should (1)horn them and make aware of surround(2)increase the speed and go through road before they(3)reduce the speed and wait for going through.
(People taking animals go through road is not at all rare around here so the question deserves a space on the test, but as usual the answer has nothing to do with how people actually drive.)
Most of the things I see drivers do every day are illegal according to the test.
Multiple choice:
* Slower cars should drive in (1)inside lane(2)outside lane(3)slow lane.
(Slow cars, trucks, buses use every lane. In South Africa, I was impressed by trucks going out of their way to move aside so cars could pass, even on narrow roads. Here, trucks and buses go out of their way to jump in front of faster cars and drive next to other trucks so that no one can get by.)
* When you driving (1) may use handy phone to dial or answer(2)may not use handy phone to dial or answer(3)may use handy phone to dial or answer if traffic condition is find.
(People use handy phone while driving all the time. Handy phones are an extension of self around here. I have 10-year-old students with handy phones. I never had a handy phone when I was 10. When Pi Chi drives while screaming into her phone I point out that it is illegal. I might as well tell her to drive in only one lane.)
True or false:
* On hearing ambulance, fire engine, police car or rescue vehicle, no matter which direction is coming from, should give way and must not following quickly.
* On a two-lane road, when entering a lane, right of way should be given to vehicles already on lane.
* At intersection where are lanes specified for right or left turn, vehicles which go straight may not use these lanes.
* At intersection with no lights or policeman and both road are main road, cars on left should give way to cars on right.
* On two-lane road, when vehicle wishes turn left, he should use indicate 30 meters from intersection. When reaching center of intersections, turn left. Not use oncoming lane left turn lane.
* When pedestrians crossing ahead, you should slow down.
* Where there are signs prohibiting U turns, overtaking or changing lane, car must not make U turns.
* Do not park at station, airport, quay, school or hospital entrances.
* On same lane, if front car want reduce speed and stop, he should warn following car by signaling in advance.
* Do not park where you will clearly obstructing other vehicles.
* In normal weather condition, driver should obey marked speed limit rules.
* Vehicle on highway must not race at high speed or drive slowly side by side.
* When driving on highway, should pay greater attention to movement of other vehicles on both side.
* When changing lane, use indicator lights to give vehicle behind advance warning. You must also pay attention to movement of vehicles around you.
* Before enter lane or change the lane, should use turn signals and check lane next you.
All of these are true. Foreigners who drive here might be surprised to see that these things are indeed illegal. And yet I see the locals break every single one of these rules every day. I live next to a hospital so I have a good deal of experience with ambulances. I am the only one who ever lets them pass. And usually when I do, several cars recklessly jump in front of me. Yielding to emergency vehicles, pedestrians, cars that clearly have the right of way or anybody is just crazy talk. I can only assume that to yield is to show weakness before the enemy. And that is what every other driver seems to be.
And the questions about paying attention are laughable. Paying attention is simply not a Chinese character trait. Drivers are rarely aware of anything that is not within 5 feet in front of them. Pedestrians routinely slam into each other, and they travel at much lower speeds. I have often said that you could walk down the street wielding a chainsaw and people would still walk right into you. And everybody seems to walk the way they drive. That is not a good thing in a place so crowded.
True or false:
* When see vehicle nearby is indicate and preparing to change lane, you should increasing speed to avoid being overtake.
(The best way to get a slow car to speed up is to make him think you want to change lanes. Drivers react as if their family will suffer horrible dishonor if anyone passes them. Even if they are driving 5km/h. Especially if they are driving 5km/h.)
* When drive at night and car from opposite direction use upper beam, you should use upper beam as revenge.
(From what I have seen, the high beam is used solely for revenge.)
* If see the elder, children or handicapped people walk slowly on pedestrian cross, you should sound the horn.
(Not only will most drivers honk at old people and children, but they will usually come as close to hitting them as possible. Except when they actually hit them. I do not understand why handicapped people are included. The handicapped are rarely seen in public.)
* When see red light, you can still turn left if traffic not busy.
(Everyone turns left at red lights. I used to think it was legal since it is so common. But there is no such thing as traffic not being busy.)
* You may throw anything you like while driving on freeway.
(Throwing trash out of moving cars is an art form around here. I have seen people throw kitchen-sized garbage bags out of their windows. I saw a scooter driver throw his drink cup straight up into the air while he was driving. It nearly landed on another moving scooter.)
* A driver doesn’t have care about traffic rules.
(From what I have seen no one cares at all about any traffic rules.)
It is easy to pass the test without knowing about most of these rules. I passed without understanding much of the test. Once you have a license you never have to take the test again and since the laws are rarely enforced there is little reason to obey them. “Monkey see, monkey do” should be the official motto. When newer generations constantly see anarchy, they will follow along.
I drove in this country illegally for years. I can appreciate the irony of complaining that no one obeys any of the laws that are never enforced. But I am probably the safest driver in the entire country. I stop at red lights. I drive on the right side of the road. I have never driven into oncoming traffic. I have never driven backwards on the freeway. I look before I leap. I yield to everyone and everything. I have never hit any other cars. Every day someone comes within inches of hitting me. Usually because they are unaware that other people exist and they do whatever the hell they want. I have never been in any accidents in this country when I was the driver. Every year thousands of people die at Pi Chi’s hospital because of traffic accidents. I have seen enough to assume that they died because they or the car that hit them did something really stupid.
These are not inherently stupid people. They invented fireworks and pasta. Some of them can be very nice in person, if you ignore the racism. This is not meant to be a backhanded compliment. I often like living here, despite the tone of everything I have just written. There are advantages to my current lifestyle that might be difficult to find elsewhere. And I have no genuine dislike of Chinese people. Most of the people I know are Chinese. The best relationship I have ever had is with a Chinese woman. And not for the reasons most people in “the West” assume. She is demanding, contrarian, selfish, aging me prematurely, and one of the nicest people I have ever met.
But even nice Chinese people become raging assholes behind the wheel. It is not road rage. It is more like road superiority. Chinese people are without a doubt the most selfish drivers I have ever seen anywhere in the known universe. And probably in the rest of the universe as well. Every single one of them seems to have a sense of entitlement as if wherever they are going and whatever they are doing is infinitely more important than everyone else. This selfishness kills people.
I am an outsider here. If I live here the rest of my life I will still be a visitor. Children on the street will still point at me and say, “美國人”. When you are a visitor in a strange land you should accept the cultural differences and never expect them to adapt to you. I never complain anymore when people eat with their mouths wide open, proudly release gas from every orifice or scream at the top of their lungs into their cell phones. That is simply their way. But I will always complain when they drive as though they are invincible and no one else exists.
Several years ago one of my students was hit by a car. She was always the sweetest little girl and too smart for her age. I called her 小 Amy because there were originally two Amys in her class and she was easily the shorter of the two. Whenever I called her 小 Amy she would smile, even if I was calling her to write something on the board.
She was out of school for months after the car hit her. When she eventually came back she used crutches, then walked with a limp. I never saw her happy after she came back. Her test scores went down the toilet. On my last day at the school I gave her an American dime because I had given a girl named Penny a penny and I wanted to give Amy something. Before the accident she would have been overjoyed to see the dime because it was something new and different. When I gave it to her she just stared at it blankly. I have not seen her in years but every time I think about her it still pisses me off. I can only imagine the suffering she went through, and I saw how it clearly changed her. And all because some asshole was driving the way the Chinese drive every day.
In order to drive here legally you have to pass a written test and a driving test. The driving test is a joke. It is on a closed track without any obstacles. There are no other cars; no trucks, buses, scooters, bicycles, ox carts, farm vehicles, pedestrians or dogs. There are none of the situations every driver faces on the streets every day. If you can start the engine and not hit the borders of the track, you can pass the test. Licensed drivers never have to demonstrate any knowledge of the road or ability to drive. All you are required to do is drive around the track, back into one parking space, parallel park in a space that is much larger than anything you will find in the real world, and drive backwards on a curved road. The most interesting part is driving backwards on the curve because the written test clearly says that this is illegal. To legally drive in this country you must perform a completely illegal maneuver.
The more you drive around here the more it appears that there are few if any rules and regulations, and even less common sense or courtesy. When you see drivers make recklessly illegal moves in front of police officers who do nothing, it is easy to assume that there are no laws. But the laws exist. They are rarely enforced, and I doubt that most drivers know or care about them, but the written test implies that someone somewhere wrote a few things down.
The written test is more challenging than the driving test because of the creative word usements. All of the following are actual questions taken from the study guide, which are the actual questions on the test. I never bothered to study it, but I read most of the questions because I found them amusing.
Most of the questions are simple common sense.
True or false:
* To use overpasses or under passed would be the last resort.
* If driver deliberately kills or injuries someone, he will punished accordingly.
* Vehicles should not break down for lack of water or oil.
* Speeding is one biggest reasons for accidence.
* It is definitely reduce accidence if everyone follows the traffic rule.
* The drunk driver cause serious hurt or death. Will punished for find, his license will canceled and cannot retake.
* Driving is both physical and mental work. With a regular life, driving safety can be ensured.
* Must not reverse on bends, narrow roads, steep slopes or one way roads.
(And yet you have to on the driving test.)
Multiple choice:
* I am good driver and always obey traffic law, for traffic safety, I hope traffic police will (1)observe and strongly enforcing traffic law(2)no observe nor enforcing(3)observe but not enforcing.
(This reveals a great deal about local law enforcement that such a question is even on the test.)
* When the blood sprays out continuously, that will bleeding of (1)vein(2)capillary(3)artery.
(The answer is obvious, but why is this on a driving test?)
* When the broken bone is out of skin, should (1)push it back to original place(2)stop bleeding first(3)sent injurer to hospital.
(If any of my bones are out of my skin, the last person on Earth I want touching me is some dude who just hopped off his scooter.)
There are the usual questions about being a good citizen.
True or false:
* I discover from two passenger whispered conversation they are the drug dealers. To help my country, I should take to police stations and not them to escape.
* If driver has no driving moral, it is misfortune for him and others.
* Politeness and forgiveness is best driving behavior.
Multiple choice:
* If driver wish to uphold national honor, promote social state ability and family happiness, they should (1)have driving morals and obey law(2)have good driving skill(3)not drink or smoking.
* The driver clothes and appearance should (1)have limits(2)clean and dignified(3)not important.
There are also too many questions about weight and height limits for trucks and other things that make more sense on a professional driving test.
True or false:
* If driver finds the infective, mental ill passenger or some carry stinky stuff. He can make excuse and refuse admission to passenger.
* Those with heavy truck driving licenses may a tactor or mini bus.
* Both owner and the driver should responsible for loading goods.
(I assume this is about trucks. Or am I legally obligated to help Pi Chi carry all of her crap out of her car?)
Multiple choice:
* If because of sickness or going abroad, professional driver is unable to his license re-examed on time, he must give proof and have his professional license re-examed within (1)1 months of recovery or returning(2)3 months of recovery or returning(3)6 months of recovery or returning.
* Those who apply for having license to drive container lorry, their past experience should first have drivers license (1)for driving sedan more 1 years or for driving heavy truck more 2 years(2)for driving heavy duty truck more 1 years(3)for driving coach more 1 years or for driving heavy truck more 2 years.
* What is limit truck charring dangerous goods may parked to bridge, tunnel or five? (1)50 meters(2)100 meters(3)200 meters.
* When have old, difficult moving passengers, should (1)say no to them(2)drive after they sit well(3)double passenger fee.
* When loading dangerous goods, must follow regulations. Or will be find and (1)will marked 2 violation points(2)will marked 1 violation points(3)will not marked any violation point.
(How many people really know?)
There are more than a few questions that have questionable answers.
True or false:
* When wishing overtake, should give two short honks or flashing the lights once, wait for car in front slow down or make hand signal. Only then can overtaking.
* If front car doesn’t reduce speed and drive aside, you should not overtake. If you did, you’ll be find and be marked 1 violation points.
(The answers are true. You can only pass another car when it signals that you can pass. That cannot be right. And if it is then absolutely no one in the entire country ever obeys this law. Including me.)
* Only person involved or legal representative or guardian or heir can mediate the accidence.
(The answer is true. My heirs can mediate the accidence. Apparently.)
* When green light says you can pass, driver should pay attention of cars and pedestrians illegal going through red light.
(False. Drivers should not pay attention to anyone running the red light. This explains why no one ever does.)
* Drivers who injured people because broke the traffic safety rule will their license revoked.
(False. Personal injury is a very low priority.)
* When drive on highway, lane for reducing speed, or single lane highway entrance and exit ramps, cannot overtaking. On acceleration lane, if front car drives slowly and blocks traffic, can overtaking.
(False. You can pass someone on a single-lane on-ramp and cannot pass a car that is going slow. I think maybe it should be the other way around.)
* When you driving with tired body, will easily cause accidence.
(False. Tired bodies never cause accidence.)
Multiple choice:
* If driver hit working police officer while drive, his driving license will invalidated and (1)cannot take road test in next year(2)cannot take road test in next 3 year and a find NT30,000-60,000(3)can never take road test.
* Driver who kill people because broke traffic safety will (1)have license canceled and may not retake test for 5 year(2)have license canceled and may not retake test for 3 year(3)have license canceled and must wait year before retake.
(The answers are (2) and (3). If you hit a cop under any circumstance you lose your license for three years and pay a large find. If you kill a civilian while driving illegally you only lose your license for one year and need not worry about paying any pesky finds.)
* Which following illicit behaviors can it are directly reporting police? (1)Unlicensed driving(2)Drunk driving(3)Illegal park without driver attendance.
(You might think the answer is (2). That is the most illegal. But the correct answer is (3).)
* When car is sliding and out of control, you should (1)brake right away and turn opposite direction(2)brake right away and no turn(3)no turn wheel instead, follow the direction of sliding.
(All of these options are stupid and would likely bring pain. The correct answer is (1), which would cause your car to spin uncontrollably.)
And some of the questions I had to read several times before I had any idea what they were talking about.
Multiple choice:
* The two directors on highway dividing by (1)same markings as normal roads(2)absolutely dividing method in order have two unilateral director road(3)color of lights.
* If driver not follow police officer persuasion when commit illegal parking or over speed police (1)can inform driver again(2)cannot inform again(3)can detain driver and car.
* When have serious accidence with you car should (1)have regular check after repaire car(2)have temporary check after repaire car(3)to apply for number plate check after repaire car.
* If vehicle not equipped with tachygriph owner will find (1)$12,000 to 24,000(2)$15,000 to 60,000(3)$ 9,000 to 12,000.
* The car accidence happened inner lane because passer-by or other slow driving car doesn’t follow rule and cause the hurt or death, driver who driving inner lane and follow regulation will punishment is (1)original sentance(2)mitigating the punishment(3)comulating the punishment.
* Driver should taking roadway safety lecture if following illegal behavior is happened (1)Run acrossing railway(2)Cause accidence illegally with license detained(3)Above mentioning correct.
* People should taking roadway safety lecture if following illegal behavior is happened (1)Driver’s left child who under 6 years older or is needing the special care of car alone(2)Legal agent or guardian allow teenager who under 18 years age of unlicensed driving, racing or dangerous-drivering(3)Above mentioning correct.
* If car driver is found that snake on road will punished (1)find, number plate will detained 3 months(2)find, roadway safety lecture(3)find, roadway safety lecture, number plate will detained 3 months.
(I still have no idea what the hell this means. Is the snake punished? Some of my students often write snake when they mean snack, but changing those words does not help.)
* What is main reason to cause the accident while turn left? (1)Driver ignores(2)Dead space(3)Inner wheel turning distance.
* The identification of the “Visional Tunnel Effect” is driver has the visional mistake of bright front side but dark side in surrounding of drunk-driving. Therefore, what will driver visional became if driver is drunk-driving? (1)No visional change(2)Visional becomes hard(3)Visional becomes soft.
* If notice somebody take animals go through road, should (1)horn them and make aware of surround(2)increase the speed and go through road before they(3)reduce the speed and wait for going through.
(People taking animals go through road is not at all rare around here so the question deserves a space on the test, but as usual the answer has nothing to do with how people actually drive.)
Most of the things I see drivers do every day are illegal according to the test.
Multiple choice:
* Slower cars should drive in (1)inside lane(2)outside lane(3)slow lane.
(Slow cars, trucks, buses use every lane. In South Africa, I was impressed by trucks going out of their way to move aside so cars could pass, even on narrow roads. Here, trucks and buses go out of their way to jump in front of faster cars and drive next to other trucks so that no one can get by.)
* When you driving (1) may use handy phone to dial or answer(2)may not use handy phone to dial or answer(3)may use handy phone to dial or answer if traffic condition is find.
(People use handy phone while driving all the time. Handy phones are an extension of self around here. I have 10-year-old students with handy phones. I never had a handy phone when I was 10. When Pi Chi drives while screaming into her phone I point out that it is illegal. I might as well tell her to drive in only one lane.)
True or false:
* On hearing ambulance, fire engine, police car or rescue vehicle, no matter which direction is coming from, should give way and must not following quickly.
* On a two-lane road, when entering a lane, right of way should be given to vehicles already on lane.
* At intersection where are lanes specified for right or left turn, vehicles which go straight may not use these lanes.
* At intersection with no lights or policeman and both road are main road, cars on left should give way to cars on right.
* On two-lane road, when vehicle wishes turn left, he should use indicate 30 meters from intersection. When reaching center of intersections, turn left. Not use oncoming lane left turn lane.
* When pedestrians crossing ahead, you should slow down.
* Where there are signs prohibiting U turns, overtaking or changing lane, car must not make U turns.
* Do not park at station, airport, quay, school or hospital entrances.
* On same lane, if front car want reduce speed and stop, he should warn following car by signaling in advance.
* Do not park where you will clearly obstructing other vehicles.
* In normal weather condition, driver should obey marked speed limit rules.
* Vehicle on highway must not race at high speed or drive slowly side by side.
* When driving on highway, should pay greater attention to movement of other vehicles on both side.
* When changing lane, use indicator lights to give vehicle behind advance warning. You must also pay attention to movement of vehicles around you.
* Before enter lane or change the lane, should use turn signals and check lane next you.
All of these are true. Foreigners who drive here might be surprised to see that these things are indeed illegal. And yet I see the locals break every single one of these rules every day. I live next to a hospital so I have a good deal of experience with ambulances. I am the only one who ever lets them pass. And usually when I do, several cars recklessly jump in front of me. Yielding to emergency vehicles, pedestrians, cars that clearly have the right of way or anybody is just crazy talk. I can only assume that to yield is to show weakness before the enemy. And that is what every other driver seems to be.
And the questions about paying attention are laughable. Paying attention is simply not a Chinese character trait. Drivers are rarely aware of anything that is not within 5 feet in front of them. Pedestrians routinely slam into each other, and they travel at much lower speeds. I have often said that you could walk down the street wielding a chainsaw and people would still walk right into you. And everybody seems to walk the way they drive. That is not a good thing in a place so crowded.
True or false:
* When see vehicle nearby is indicate and preparing to change lane, you should increasing speed to avoid being overtake.
(The best way to get a slow car to speed up is to make him think you want to change lanes. Drivers react as if their family will suffer horrible dishonor if anyone passes them. Even if they are driving 5km/h. Especially if they are driving 5km/h.)
* When drive at night and car from opposite direction use upper beam, you should use upper beam as revenge.
(From what I have seen, the high beam is used solely for revenge.)
* If see the elder, children or handicapped people walk slowly on pedestrian cross, you should sound the horn.
(Not only will most drivers honk at old people and children, but they will usually come as close to hitting them as possible. Except when they actually hit them. I do not understand why handicapped people are included. The handicapped are rarely seen in public.)
* When see red light, you can still turn left if traffic not busy.
(Everyone turns left at red lights. I used to think it was legal since it is so common. But there is no such thing as traffic not being busy.)
* You may throw anything you like while driving on freeway.
(Throwing trash out of moving cars is an art form around here. I have seen people throw kitchen-sized garbage bags out of their windows. I saw a scooter driver throw his drink cup straight up into the air while he was driving. It nearly landed on another moving scooter.)
* A driver doesn’t have care about traffic rules.
(From what I have seen no one cares at all about any traffic rules.)
It is easy to pass the test without knowing about most of these rules. I passed without understanding much of the test. Once you have a license you never have to take the test again and since the laws are rarely enforced there is little reason to obey them. “Monkey see, monkey do” should be the official motto. When newer generations constantly see anarchy, they will follow along.
I drove in this country illegally for years. I can appreciate the irony of complaining that no one obeys any of the laws that are never enforced. But I am probably the safest driver in the entire country. I stop at red lights. I drive on the right side of the road. I have never driven into oncoming traffic. I have never driven backwards on the freeway. I look before I leap. I yield to everyone and everything. I have never hit any other cars. Every day someone comes within inches of hitting me. Usually because they are unaware that other people exist and they do whatever the hell they want. I have never been in any accidents in this country when I was the driver. Every year thousands of people die at Pi Chi’s hospital because of traffic accidents. I have seen enough to assume that they died because they or the car that hit them did something really stupid.
These are not inherently stupid people. They invented fireworks and pasta. Some of them can be very nice in person, if you ignore the racism. This is not meant to be a backhanded compliment. I often like living here, despite the tone of everything I have just written. There are advantages to my current lifestyle that might be difficult to find elsewhere. And I have no genuine dislike of Chinese people. Most of the people I know are Chinese. The best relationship I have ever had is with a Chinese woman. And not for the reasons most people in “the West” assume. She is demanding, contrarian, selfish, aging me prematurely, and one of the nicest people I have ever met.
But even nice Chinese people become raging assholes behind the wheel. It is not road rage. It is more like road superiority. Chinese people are without a doubt the most selfish drivers I have ever seen anywhere in the known universe. And probably in the rest of the universe as well. Every single one of them seems to have a sense of entitlement as if wherever they are going and whatever they are doing is infinitely more important than everyone else. This selfishness kills people.
I am an outsider here. If I live here the rest of my life I will still be a visitor. Children on the street will still point at me and say, “美國人”. When you are a visitor in a strange land you should accept the cultural differences and never expect them to adapt to you. I never complain anymore when people eat with their mouths wide open, proudly release gas from every orifice or scream at the top of their lungs into their cell phones. That is simply their way. But I will always complain when they drive as though they are invincible and no one else exists.
Several years ago one of my students was hit by a car. She was always the sweetest little girl and too smart for her age. I called her 小 Amy because there were originally two Amys in her class and she was easily the shorter of the two. Whenever I called her 小 Amy she would smile, even if I was calling her to write something on the board.
She was out of school for months after the car hit her. When she eventually came back she used crutches, then walked with a limp. I never saw her happy after she came back. Her test scores went down the toilet. On my last day at the school I gave her an American dime because I had given a girl named Penny a penny and I wanted to give Amy something. Before the accident she would have been overjoyed to see the dime because it was something new and different. When I gave it to her she just stared at it blankly. I have not seen her in years but every time I think about her it still pisses me off. I can only imagine the suffering she went through, and I saw how it clearly changed her. And all because some asshole was driving the way the Chinese drive every day.
29 April 2010
Licensed To Kill
I started driving when I was 15. I started driving legally at 16. About a year before I left my home country, my driver’s license expired. I renewed it as was the fashion of the day. But the DMV would not give me a new license because I was trying to get a commercial license at the time. Why I was trying to get a commercial license remains a mystery to this day. I am simply not the type and would have never fit in with any of my colleagues had I gotten such a job. But I passed the written test and had passenger and air brake endorsements. All I needed was to take the actual driving test, which required driving an actual commercial vehicle. Since the commercial license was still pending, they would not give me a new regular license. The thinking being that the commercial license outranks the regular license so who needs both and why should the DMV spend the money. Even though I was the one paying for them. Instead, I got a little piece of paper that told any interested law enforcement types that my license was indeed current. This paper was only valid for 30 days so I had the pleasure of going to the DMV every 30 days to get another little piece of paper.
Then I left the country and stopped getting the little pieces of paper. But I took my expired but not really expired license with me.
You can get an international license around here if you have a valid license from wherever you are from. When I started driving Boss Lady’s car during my first year, she suggested I might want to get one. My problem was that my valid license said that it expired and it seemed unlikely that any Chinese bureaucrat would believe my story. Especially in English.
An international license is only valid for the first 30 days or six months or year that foreigners are here. Which time limit depends on where you get your information. Foreigners who have been here beyond that time are expected to get a local license and anyone who drives with an international license is actually driving illegally. I eventually reached all of those stages without getting an international license. Getting a local license proved to be difficult since the nearest government office was a good hour drive away and only open on weekdays. I worked every weekday and could not possibly get there and back in the time allotted. Boss Lady also did not want me to drive her car there since I would be driving illegally to the office where people become legal drivers. That may seem reasonable, but she had no qualms about letting me drive her car illegally just about anywhere else.
Eventually I came across the local police while I was driving illegally and discovered that it was much easier to be a foreign driver than to have all the right paperwork anyway. I soon lost interest and no one noticed or cared.
When I moved in with Pi Chi, I started driving her car, but we never really talked about how illegal that is. I try to let her do most of the driving anyway.
Then I got a job that is about 45 minutes from home. Driving proved to be the only way to get there. So I did. At that point I had driven several different vehicle types all over the place without incident and never really thought much about it. When you are surrounded by fatally reckless drivers who would willingly drive over their own grandmothers to get home five seconds sooner, not having a little card seems trivial.
But then I might have up and got me a stalker. The details about that are still a little hazy and I have yet to decide how to approach the subject in writing. I am sure I will type up something sooner or later. But it quickly became obvious that I should have a driver’s license. Experience has made me impressively skilled at avoiding the endless obstacles on the roads, and if I were a lesser driver I would have been hit by countless people by now. But even the best driver in the world can do little if someone is deliberately trying to damage their car. The local rule is that any unlicensed driver is at fault in any accident regardless of who actually hit whom. According to Pi Chi. So if someone went out of their way to try to hit me and I could not avoid it, I would have to pay heavy fines, I would have to pay what is really just extortion money to the person who hit me, and Pi Chi’s license would be suspended for allowing an unlicensed driver to drive her car.
So I asked the Internet how one goes about getting such a thing around here. The Internet was as useful as a jar of tomatoes on a cactus farm. It lied to me. As it so often has.
With time and the great patience for which I have always been known, I found that the process is simple, if not complicated.
Step 1: Travel to the only city where the tests can be taken in English. This would likely require spending the night since government offices are usually open in the morning and the train never leaves early enough to get there on time. I was confident that I could take the driving test in Chinese but thought that taking the written test in Chinese would be stupid.
Step 2: Fill out a form. This is in Chinese, but that does not bother me since most of the forms I fill out are in Chinese.
Step 2a: Get the form stamped by the appropriate people. An unstamped form is like Wyoming. Pretty to look at but functionally useless.
Step 3: Get a medical test. I get tested medically every year so I already knew how half-assed it would be. This particular medical test is to see if you can stand without falling over and have all of your given extremities. There is also a vision test that has nothing to do with driving.
Step 3a: Get the medical test papers stamped. See above.
Step 4: Give the properly stamped form and medical test, expired foreign driver’s license, passport, resident ID card, two visa-sized photos and cash to the woman at the counter. It is always a woman.
Step 4a: Make sure she stamps the form and medical test.
Step 5: Take the written test. In “English”.
Step 6: If you pass the written test, make sure the guy stamps the form, and come back in three months to take the driving test. If you fail the written test, you can come back in seven days and take it again.
Step 7: Take the driving test. Make sure that guy stamps the form, and take all of the paperwork to the woman at the window and make sure she stamps all of the forms. If you fail the driving test, you can come back in seven days and take it again.
Step 8: Be sure to renew your license before it expires or you will have to go through the entire process again.
I tried to make an appointment but found that appointments are not necessary. Except for everything beyond taking the written test. I was ready to pack my bags and get it done when Pi Chi told me that I could take the English version very close to home. I found this hard to believe since everything on the Internet told me otherwise. But I did it her way just to humor her, fully expecting to do it my way later.
She took the day off and drove me to the government office. This was unusual and I still do not know why she did. Perhaps like Boss Lady she did not want me to be seen driving her car. What was not unusual was that we arrived much later than we should have because of a communication issue. The test can only be taken at a certain time and it was fast approaching. She had been told that I could take the medical test at the same office. This was false. We had to drive to the nearest authorized clinic when I was sure we would not have enough time to get all the stamps. The clinic was a typically filthy little building where I would not be caught dead with any medical needs. But they were qualified to see if I had all of my arms and legs. Then there was the vision test.
I do not have what one might call great eyesight. I come from a family of relatively blind people. But I did not get my first glasses until I was 24 years old. I still have them. My eyes are weaker than they were when I was 24, but I only wear glasses to drive and watch movies. I never wear them around the house. I cannot wear them at the computer. I wear them during vision tests. I need them to read the Snellen chart.
But I live in a country where 95% of everybody wears corrective lenses. And there is no alphabet. They use different tests and there does not seem to be any standardization. The test in question was unusual in that it would have been better without glasses. There was a point where my score was a judgement call and the woman behind the counter went ahead and scored it in my favor. Chinese people will often cheat on meaningless things, like tests to determine if a person is too blind to operate potentially fatal machinery.
Stamped medical report in hand, we rushed back to the government office just in time to get it stamped and go to the testing room. I was still unconvinced that it would be in English. Especially since this was a small office and there are not many foreigners in the neighborhood.
The test was in English, more or less. Mostly less. I passed. I had to read some of the questions repeatedly. I guessed at about a quarter of them. I have since read the questions and answers and still do not understand some of them. It is not that the questions are difficult. It is that they were obviously translated by someone who does not understand basic rules of English grammar and spelling. Fortunately, I live and work with such people and no longer look twice at sentences without pronouns, articles, conjunctions, verbs or nouns.
After lunch we were supposed to come back for the driving test. The Internet repeatedly told me that there was a three month wait between tests, ostensibly to learn how to drive. There is even a flow chart in the government office with the same information. But both tests can be taken on the same day. What was even better was that once all the paperwork had all the correct stamps, we went to the woman behind the counter and she printed up my license right then and there. She glued one of my visa photos to a piece of paper and laminated everything. It is unimpressive and expires in three months, but at least now when I am inevitably hit by another car it will not be my fault. Assuming the police listen to my side of the story rather than just go with whatever one of their own kind says.
My license expires in three months because it is only good as long as I have a resident card. Even though I took all the same tests and have all the same stamps on the same forms as the locals, licenses held by foreigners are only valid while their resident cards are valid. Those are generally only valid for one year. So we have to renew our driver’s license every year while the locals have to renew theirs every six years. Even though my resident card actually expires in four months, it expires in three since that is when my passport expires. The resident card is only good as long as I have a passport. So when I get my new passport I will have to get a new resident card and then I can renew my new driver’s license. But since my resident card will expire one month after I get it, so will my license. In 2010 I will have to pay for three resident cards and three licenses. Yet the one passport costs more than everything else combined.
Then I left the country and stopped getting the little pieces of paper. But I took my expired but not really expired license with me.
You can get an international license around here if you have a valid license from wherever you are from. When I started driving Boss Lady’s car during my first year, she suggested I might want to get one. My problem was that my valid license said that it expired and it seemed unlikely that any Chinese bureaucrat would believe my story. Especially in English.
An international license is only valid for the first 30 days or six months or year that foreigners are here. Which time limit depends on where you get your information. Foreigners who have been here beyond that time are expected to get a local license and anyone who drives with an international license is actually driving illegally. I eventually reached all of those stages without getting an international license. Getting a local license proved to be difficult since the nearest government office was a good hour drive away and only open on weekdays. I worked every weekday and could not possibly get there and back in the time allotted. Boss Lady also did not want me to drive her car there since I would be driving illegally to the office where people become legal drivers. That may seem reasonable, but she had no qualms about letting me drive her car illegally just about anywhere else.
Eventually I came across the local police while I was driving illegally and discovered that it was much easier to be a foreign driver than to have all the right paperwork anyway. I soon lost interest and no one noticed or cared.
When I moved in with Pi Chi, I started driving her car, but we never really talked about how illegal that is. I try to let her do most of the driving anyway.
Then I got a job that is about 45 minutes from home. Driving proved to be the only way to get there. So I did. At that point I had driven several different vehicle types all over the place without incident and never really thought much about it. When you are surrounded by fatally reckless drivers who would willingly drive over their own grandmothers to get home five seconds sooner, not having a little card seems trivial.
But then I might have up and got me a stalker. The details about that are still a little hazy and I have yet to decide how to approach the subject in writing. I am sure I will type up something sooner or later. But it quickly became obvious that I should have a driver’s license. Experience has made me impressively skilled at avoiding the endless obstacles on the roads, and if I were a lesser driver I would have been hit by countless people by now. But even the best driver in the world can do little if someone is deliberately trying to damage their car. The local rule is that any unlicensed driver is at fault in any accident regardless of who actually hit whom. According to Pi Chi. So if someone went out of their way to try to hit me and I could not avoid it, I would have to pay heavy fines, I would have to pay what is really just extortion money to the person who hit me, and Pi Chi’s license would be suspended for allowing an unlicensed driver to drive her car.
So I asked the Internet how one goes about getting such a thing around here. The Internet was as useful as a jar of tomatoes on a cactus farm. It lied to me. As it so often has.
With time and the great patience for which I have always been known, I found that the process is simple, if not complicated.
Step 1: Travel to the only city where the tests can be taken in English. This would likely require spending the night since government offices are usually open in the morning and the train never leaves early enough to get there on time. I was confident that I could take the driving test in Chinese but thought that taking the written test in Chinese would be stupid.
Step 2: Fill out a form. This is in Chinese, but that does not bother me since most of the forms I fill out are in Chinese.
Step 2a: Get the form stamped by the appropriate people. An unstamped form is like Wyoming. Pretty to look at but functionally useless.
Step 3: Get a medical test. I get tested medically every year so I already knew how half-assed it would be. This particular medical test is to see if you can stand without falling over and have all of your given extremities. There is also a vision test that has nothing to do with driving.
Step 3a: Get the medical test papers stamped. See above.
Step 4: Give the properly stamped form and medical test, expired foreign driver’s license, passport, resident ID card, two visa-sized photos and cash to the woman at the counter. It is always a woman.
Step 4a: Make sure she stamps the form and medical test.
Step 5: Take the written test. In “English”.
Step 6: If you pass the written test, make sure the guy stamps the form, and come back in three months to take the driving test. If you fail the written test, you can come back in seven days and take it again.
Step 7: Take the driving test. Make sure that guy stamps the form, and take all of the paperwork to the woman at the window and make sure she stamps all of the forms. If you fail the driving test, you can come back in seven days and take it again.
Step 8: Be sure to renew your license before it expires or you will have to go through the entire process again.
I tried to make an appointment but found that appointments are not necessary. Except for everything beyond taking the written test. I was ready to pack my bags and get it done when Pi Chi told me that I could take the English version very close to home. I found this hard to believe since everything on the Internet told me otherwise. But I did it her way just to humor her, fully expecting to do it my way later.
She took the day off and drove me to the government office. This was unusual and I still do not know why she did. Perhaps like Boss Lady she did not want me to be seen driving her car. What was not unusual was that we arrived much later than we should have because of a communication issue. The test can only be taken at a certain time and it was fast approaching. She had been told that I could take the medical test at the same office. This was false. We had to drive to the nearest authorized clinic when I was sure we would not have enough time to get all the stamps. The clinic was a typically filthy little building where I would not be caught dead with any medical needs. But they were qualified to see if I had all of my arms and legs. Then there was the vision test.
I do not have what one might call great eyesight. I come from a family of relatively blind people. But I did not get my first glasses until I was 24 years old. I still have them. My eyes are weaker than they were when I was 24, but I only wear glasses to drive and watch movies. I never wear them around the house. I cannot wear them at the computer. I wear them during vision tests. I need them to read the Snellen chart.
But I live in a country where 95% of everybody wears corrective lenses. And there is no alphabet. They use different tests and there does not seem to be any standardization. The test in question was unusual in that it would have been better without glasses. There was a point where my score was a judgement call and the woman behind the counter went ahead and scored it in my favor. Chinese people will often cheat on meaningless things, like tests to determine if a person is too blind to operate potentially fatal machinery.
Stamped medical report in hand, we rushed back to the government office just in time to get it stamped and go to the testing room. I was still unconvinced that it would be in English. Especially since this was a small office and there are not many foreigners in the neighborhood.
The test was in English, more or less. Mostly less. I passed. I had to read some of the questions repeatedly. I guessed at about a quarter of them. I have since read the questions and answers and still do not understand some of them. It is not that the questions are difficult. It is that they were obviously translated by someone who does not understand basic rules of English grammar and spelling. Fortunately, I live and work with such people and no longer look twice at sentences without pronouns, articles, conjunctions, verbs or nouns.
After lunch we were supposed to come back for the driving test. The Internet repeatedly told me that there was a three month wait between tests, ostensibly to learn how to drive. There is even a flow chart in the government office with the same information. But both tests can be taken on the same day. What was even better was that once all the paperwork had all the correct stamps, we went to the woman behind the counter and she printed up my license right then and there. She glued one of my visa photos to a piece of paper and laminated everything. It is unimpressive and expires in three months, but at least now when I am inevitably hit by another car it will not be my fault. Assuming the police listen to my side of the story rather than just go with whatever one of their own kind says.
My license expires in three months because it is only good as long as I have a resident card. Even though I took all the same tests and have all the same stamps on the same forms as the locals, licenses held by foreigners are only valid while their resident cards are valid. Those are generally only valid for one year. So we have to renew our driver’s license every year while the locals have to renew theirs every six years. Even though my resident card actually expires in four months, it expires in three since that is when my passport expires. The resident card is only good as long as I have a passport. So when I get my new passport I will have to get a new resident card and then I can renew my new driver’s license. But since my resident card will expire one month after I get it, so will my license. In 2010 I will have to pay for three resident cards and three licenses. Yet the one passport costs more than everything else combined.
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