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Update History

05 March 2011

Life In The Fast Lane

The Wife was watching one of her Chinese talk shows on the low definition television set when a commercial advertisement came on. I do not ordinarily notice these things as the commercials sound just like the shows. Everything has people screaming at each other over loud background music with wacky sound effects on top. But instead of digital penny whistles and muted trombones I heard the Eagles singing a song. This caught my attention because it is not the sort of thing one hears on Chinese television. Ever. The commercial was advertising their concert in 香港 in three weeks. I pointed out to the Wife that they were the band that I was trying to watch in Bangkok. I wondered aloud if tickets were still available and if going to 香港 just to see a band might be a bit much. She casually mentioned that they would be in 台北. This piqued my interest. 台北 is cheaper and easier to get to than 香港.

My Internet told me nothing useful and the Wife’s Internet was doing things for the Wife. She is the type of person who will drop whatever she is doing to help her family and friends. If someone is in the hospital she will go. Right now. She even helped a friend get a pacemaker. No minor task, I say. But when it comes to doing things for me she would rather wait until later. And later usually means procrastinating until there is no point in doing it at all. Looking up concert information is not quite as important as heart surgery, but it would be nice to be somewhere on her list of priorities. I know I will never be above her mother, father, shopping, brother and sisters, eating, the rest of her family, complaining, friends, but I would like to at least be on the list.

Eventually I got her to do what I wanted. And she complained every step of the way. At first I simply wanted to know if they were indeed playing here. The Wife has a habit of stating assumptions as fact. Of course they would come here. Why not? Because very few “Western” bands come this side of 香港. Not many play 香港 either. Asia in general, outside of Japan, is mostly ignored by artists who are not from Asia. The Eagles are not the most popular band around here. They are not a big KTV band. Outside of “Desperado” I doubt any KTV machine anywhere in the country has any of their songs. I have never seen any of their CDs in any store. I doubt many of my students have Eagles posters next to 5566 and Hello Kitty. This is a place where Paul McCartney CDs are hard to find.

But according to the Wife’s Internet, Eagols were here with their #1 Super Hitsongs “Hotel of California” and “Peace and easy Feelings”. Good enough.

The concert was sold out, she said. So much for that. I assumed it would be since I was just hearing about it while they were advertising future shows. Then she told me it was on Saturday, the day of our wedding reception. I could not have gone anyway. But then she said that another day was added since the first day sold out almost immediately. When I asked her if that was also sold out she told me to wait. Every piece of information comes slowly and requires me to ask what I consider an obvious question. I then have to wait for the next tiny fragment of what I want to know before asking the next obvious question. This process used to bother me and I still wonder why she cannot anticipate the next question, but I am used to it by now.

The additional show was on Sunday. In three days. I assumed it had to be sold out but the Wife said it was not. So I asked her how much tickets might cost. There was more waiting. When she found the website that sold the tickets she showed me their seating map. It looked like any other stadium concert map. This was surprising for several reasons. After a difference of opinion on how to read the map, we decided to do it my way since that only required one step, while hers required loading a separate page to see the seat section and another page to see a price list. Changing pages is unpleasant with the Wife because she will not wait more than half a second for it to load. She either closes it and tries again or opens another window to do something else.

There were many seats available, though the most expensive floor seats were gone. This did not bother me since they were far too expensive and I do not particularly care for floor seats unless I am near the front. I like the tiered effect of the bleachers. Twenty rows of people bouncing up and down in front of you on the same level is never fun. Then it occurred to me that this place would be full of tiny Chinese people. Sitting on the floor would not be so bad.

After I asked the Wife how I might go about purchasing one of these available seats and waited for her to find the answer, she said that we could not buy tickets from the website that sold the tickets. Some people might find this peculiar, but I have lived here for some time. I would be surprised if the website that sold the tickets actually sold the tickets. But there was a ticket office where one could buy tickets by phone. So I asked her if we could do that, and waited for her to find the answer. We could not since we were doing this after they had closed and it was too late for them to mail tickets to us anyway. I asked the Wife why the tickets had to be mailed. In my opinion there should be a way to pick them up at the stadium. So I waited for her to find that information. There was, of course, no way to buy tickets and pick them up at the stadium. That is crazy talk. I then offered the opinion that it is rather stupid to have something on sale that no one can buy since it is too late to mail anything. The system assumes that people will buy tickets well in advance. The system also failed to realize that in this case the second show was added well after well in advance had come and gone.

The Wife then remembered that we live in a country where there is a 7-11 on every corner and every single one of them is open 24H. But I still had to ask her if it was possible to buy tickets there, even though she knew what we were looking for and she was the one who brought up 7-11. So she looked into that while I waited. She eventually decided that we could and that we should go there tomorrow. I suggested that tomorrow might not be ideal as we both had to work and that was the day she was going to do all of her last minute wedding reception tasks. She likes to do as much as she possibly can at the last minute so her day was fairly full. I thought we should go to the 7-11 downstairs right then and there. She did not want to because that would interfere with her policy of putting things off. She also completely lost interest when she realized that she would be unable to go to the concert. Since Sunday night is almost always followed by Monday morning, and since she had to work on Monday morning there was simply no way she could be in 台北 at midnight and at work seven hours later. I could do it since I always go to work much later in the day and I did not have to work at all on that particular Monday as it was a minor public holiday commemorating the massacre of thousands of innocent civilians at the hands of a previous regime’s government forces.

After I convinced her to go with me all the way downstairs even though it was not for her, we still had to go to the website that sold the tickets but did not since it had the seating map. I wanted to write down a few seat numbers from which to choose. The Wife assumed that 7-11 would have the same seating map. I relied on my wealth of experience in the inefficient ways of the Chinese to deduce that there would be no such map at 7-11. One of us was correct. I seem to be complaining about her a tad too much here so I will be discrete and not mention that she was completely in the wrong.

The easiest stage of this night’s ordeal was buying my ticket at 7-11. We simply told a small machine what we wanted and it printed out a receipt. The receipt was given to the sleeping clerk and he printed out what looked like it could be a concert ticket. One of the greatest aspects of living here is that one can do pretty much anything at any 7-11 at any hour. You can buy junk food, drinks, fresh eggs, thousand-year-old eggs, stale bread, phone cards, disposable underwear, concert tickets, pay utility bills, credit card bills (below a certain limit), parking fines, make copies, scan, fax and print photographs. But they do not have Pepsi.

I had no idea where the stadium was, but I was not about to ask the Wife to help me find it. She had just spent an hour doing something for me in which she gained nothing. We were at her limit. I assumed I could find it later. Just as I assumed that going to 台北 and getting a hotel for the night would be as easy as it always is. I was completely in the wrong.

Life with the Chinese
Surely makes you loose your mind
Life with the Chinese, 哎哟


The Wife spent the day after all of this excitement doing wedding reception business. After I got home from work I went to my Internet to find this mystery stadium. My Internet was uncooperative. The Chinese websites were all message boards with people talking about whether they would go or not. Mostly not. There was no useful information. But I did learn that one middle aged Chinese virgin would rather die a thousand deaths than go to an Eagles concert. Unfortunately this told me nothing about the venue. The English websites were mostly press releases from last year announcing their intended arrival. Everyone else knew in December that they were coming. I found out Thursday night.

The Eagles’ website said that they were playing at a stadium that the Google said did not exist. I decided that this was because the Eagles’ site wrote the Chinese name in English while the Google site writes Chinese names in Chinese. The Eagles’ site also said that they were playing in Japan on Tuesday, so it seemed unlikely that they might add another show Monday night.

Saturday was the big wedding reception. I knew that the best course of action was to not even mention this concert to the Wife at least until the end of the day. That would give me Saturday night and possibly Sunday morning to figure out where I was going. This did not cause any concern since 台北 is easy to get to and I have never had any problems finding a hotel once I was there.

After the Wife returned from dinner with her family after we spent the afternoon with her family, she agreed to help me find the stadium. This led to more Internet adventures where hers said one thing and mine another. I chose to believe hers since mine had already proven useless. But her Internet said that the stadium was not actually in 台北 even though everything we had seen so far, including 7-11, told us that it was. It was in a suburb about an hour outside of town. It was like taking the train to Penn Station only to find that you really want to be in Scarsdale. It is not impossible to get to, but the subway does not even come close.

Usually when I go to 台北 I take the high speed train into the city and take the metro wherever I need to go. I know of a few hotels where I can always find a room on demand. This was what I had planned to do when I realized that I would be going there to see the Eagles on sixty hours’ notice. But the Eagles chose to play in a city that was not on the high speed line. Nor was it on the low speed train line. It was not close to any of the stations and nowhere near the nearest MRT stop. The good news was that this town had a hospital owned by the Wife’s hospital. This meant that I could stay at their hospital hotel. The hospitals owned by the Wife’s hospital keep tiny hotel rooms for family of patients and select employees. But there was not enough advanced notice to book a room.

More good news was that the hospital has a free shuttle service from the nearest high speed train station to the hospital. This was very good since a taxi from the train station would be expensive and we could not find any other way to get there. But the shuttle does not run on Sundays (the day I would go there) and this particular Monday (the day I would return) since it was a minor public holiday commemorating the massacre of thousands of innocent civilians at the hands of a previous regime’s government forces. But we booked a hotel room across the street from the hospital anyway since it was relatively close to the stadium and employees of the Wife’s hospital get a discount. The hotel also had a free shuttle to the stadium.

The next day I took the train to 台北 and a very long taxi ride to 龜山. They would not give me the Wife’s discount at the hotel. Not because I am not the Wife but because they were giving me an “executive suite”. I did not need an executive suite. I was planning on leaving in 18 hours. I simply needed a rat-free place to sleep. I do not ask for much from Asian hotels, but I do like to sleep without rats crawling on my face. I am spoiled that way.

The executive suite was a larger than average room with a separate sitting area and a kitchenette, which in Asia means a sink near the tiny refrigerator. It was the kind of room that Chinese people look at and think is fancy. The rest of us see the 40-year-old décor and questionable stains. What made this room more executive than most was that it was in the corner and as such had far more windows than most Chinese hotel rooms. There were two.

On the long taxi ride to the hotel from the train station we passed the stadium. This showed me that it was too far to walk but a reasonable taxi distance should the shuttle bus have issues. The people at the Chinese message boards who went to the concert on Saturday all complained about traffic at the stadium. Driving by on the way to the hotel I could see why. There was construction on the only street that leads to the stadium, reducing five lanes to one in each direction. It looks like they are expanding something to go directly to the stadium. This will probably be very useful to people like myself in the future, but did me no good on this day.

At the hotel they told me that the shuttle bus operated on Saturday night only. The Wife had previously suggested that I leave early if I took a taxi since there would be heavy traffic. I was going to leave early anyway since the shuttle would face the same traffic, and probably more since taxis have a way of ignoring all rules of the road.

The taxi ride from the hotel to the stadium took about ten minutes and cost me 100元. This was very reasonable since the meter starts and 70元 for locals and 85元 for foreigners. There is always a price difference for foreigners. This would cause me problems later.

I’ve got a pissed off Chinese feeling
I know they will let me down
‘Cause I’m already stranded in some town


Inside the stadium I found that I had a very good seat. From the website that does not actually sell tickets I simply picked the closest available seat that was not in the highest price range. I had no idea it would be so close to the stage. I was within spitting distance of the people in the front row on the floor. Since there was absolutely no press and only two people filming the show for the large video screens, the people in the front row were within spitting distance of the people on stage. I was only two loogies of separation from Glenn Frey.

The stadium itself was very small. It looked like any other old stadium, but to scale. I have no idea what kind of sporting event could be played there. Perhaps there is some miniature Chinese version of basketball. Maybe it is a ping pong stadium. I could easily see why the first night sold out so quickly. Air Supply and Tony Orlando could sell out here. Those are probably bad examples since they are far more popular than the Eagles and they actually do sell out. It would not take much to sell out this stadium.

One of the first differences I noticed about seeing a concert amongst Chinese was that they are not the most rambunctious bunch. Where I come from the audience erupts in applause and whistles every time a roadie walks on the stage, no matter how far in advance of the opening bell. This audience did not react at all. I was a little concerned that the Eagles were about to face a silent crowd. But what everyone else in the audience probably knew was that the show did not begin until a Chinese voice from above announced that it was starting. The lights then went down and everyone cheered.

The band opened with an a cappella version of “Seven Bridges Road” immediately followed by “How Long” from their latest album. Glenn Frey then announced that they would be playing a lot of songs from Long Road Out Of Eden to which nobody cheered. Frey did most of the talking that night. In English. He did not even try to hit us up with some Chinese. That was Timothy B Schmit’s job. He was the designated China talker. He said “你好” a few times and “你好嗎” once. And it made him very popular. The audience went crazy when he sang each of his three songs. When he announced that they were about to do a song from Hell Freezes Over, the audience erupted in cheers and applause. Maybe that is the most popular Eagles album around here and Schmit is their favorite. But knowing the tiny amount I know about Chinese culture I think it was the fact that he spoke a tiny amount of Chinese.

Despite Schmit’s Chinese appeal, the second most popular song of the night was “Hotel California”. It started with a trumpet solo, but you could tell what song was coming. At least I could tell. The audience did not react until the guitars came in. There was absolutely no initial reaction to Don Henley’s “The Boys Of Summer”. That one has a distinctive drum/guitar opening but no one seemed to recognize it. Joe Walsh got the same treatment when they did James Gang songs “Walk Away” and “Funk #49”. I did not recognize “Walk Away” either until he started singing. They changed the music considerably. And all of the Long Road Out Of Eden songs were met with opening silence. Every time Frey announced the titles of each new song, he reminded us that the album is currently available for purchase. His whoring was all the more amusing since that CD is not actually available for purchase at our local retailers. The only solo song anyone seemed to recognize was “Life’s Been Good” and just before singing it, Walsh told us a little story and got the crowd worked up. They might have been excited by his antics more than the song. Walsh is supposedly sober these days, but he seemed just as off as ever. In between trying to sell the new album and telling stories that most of the audience likely did not understand, Glenn Frey invited people to sing along.

In the band’s home country, people clap, cheer, whistle and call out song titles and “Free Bird” in between numbers. Around here it gets very quiet in between songs. It was an unusual experience. I could hear people move equipment on stage. It was just like the time the Wife and I saw the New York Philharmonic, except that the seats were more uncomfortable and the giant speakers probably caused more hearing damage than I really need at this point in the game. This was a tiny stadium but they had speakers suited for an American arena, and from where I sat I could have easily heard them with the little speakers they have on stage. I believe it was Shakespeare who said, “If thine music is of an infortuitous mien, peradventure thou hast encroached upon the tusseled shores of the aged.” Verily.

But it was painfully quiet in between songs. So I did what I could to make the band feel welcome in this strange land. Don Henley and Joe Walsh had played solo songs, so during one of the quiet gaps I yelled out, “Smuggler’s Blues” to which Glenn Frey chuckled and responded with a simple, “Oh, shit.” I will be amused if they include that on the live CD. I will also be flabbergasted if there is a live CD of this show.

I have often said that “monkey see, monkey do” should be the national motto. In that spirit, other people started shouting song titles. I guess they needed an American to show them the way. But people kept shouting “Rocky Mountain Way” right after Walsh did a solo song, as if he would have two songs in a row. He did not have that plastic talk box guitar hose that he sticks in his mouth so there was no way they were playing that one, although in other countries it is part of the encore, according to their website.

After about 45 minutes, Henley announced that they were taking a short break with a joke that five people understood. As the band left the stage, the audience started shouting “encore”, which sounded very much like the way my students pronounce “uncle”. I could not understand why people were shouting “uncle”. It took me a while to realize that more than a few people in the audience thought that the show was over. But when the lights came up, the Chinese voice from above announced that it was only intermission. After what I went through to get the tickets and make my way to this little stadium I would have been ever so pissed if the concert only lasted 45 minutes.

One of the second differences I noticed about seeing a concert amongst Chinese was that I could not smell any marijuana anywhere. No one was passing joints around and no one raised lighters during slow songs. This is the first concert I have ever been to where I could not smell Mary Jane being passed around like the cheap little whore she is. Being in a country that executes drug traffickers might have had something to do with it. I guess Joe Walsh had to get sober before they could come here.

There were three large video screens; one behind the band and two off to the sides for the people in the cheap seats. I could not see the side screen from where I was sitting but half of what was shown was filmed by a woman working in front of me. Everything she shot was from the same angle as my line of sight. They also showed prerecorded images that were largely obvious; pictures of New York during “In The City”, clouds during “No More Cloudy Days” and the video for “The Boys Of Summer” during “The Boys Of Summer”. It got more interesting during “Life’s Been Good” when they showed footage of a much younger Joe Walsh acting like a much younger Joe Walsh and when things got political during “Dirty Laundry”. I have a feeling that Don Henley is not a big fan of Fox News. The message of “Long Road Out Of Eden” is anti-imperialism, specifically American imperialism, and the video footage reflected that. I could not help but wonder how many people in the audience understood what they were watching, or indeed what they were hearing. “The road to empire is a bloody stupid waste” does not translate well into a language and culture that proudly remembers being ruled by emperors for thousands of years. There were also pictures and themes from middle America during “Waiting In The Weeds” that would mean nothing to people who are unfamiliar with hayrides and county fairs. The Eagles are a very American band, and probably best appreciated by Americans. Watching these images and listening to these songs, even when they were shitcanning the American Dream, especially when they were shitcanning the American Dream, is the closest I have ever come to feeling homesick.

Another difference that I noticed about seeing a concert amongst Chinese was that there were no concession stands anywhere in the stadium. I was expecting to see lots of deep fried animal chunks on sticks, but there was absolutely nothing. This is a country where you can literally buy food on the street from some dude’s truck. Movie theaters and internet cafés have large menus. You can buy food on trains, buses and in temples. Food is available practically everywhere. Except at the Eagles concert. Fortunately, there were no filler songs. Stepping out for a jumbo beer was not an option. And this is a country where men love their beer. There were t-shirts available outside, but they looked like someone made them in their garage. And they probably did. I wanted to get something with some Chinese, but the three options only had the name of the band and some of the Asian cities. The European leg of the tour probably has much better t-shirts.

After a second half that was much longer than the first, the band left the stage to more cries of “uncle”. They played “Take It Easy” and then pretended to leave again as the lights slowly came up. Then the stadium dramatically went black and a single spotlight shone on Don Henley. When the piano started playing “Desperado”, the audience exploded. Maybe not literally, but that is how it sounded. The cheers put Timothy B Schmit’s Chinese applause to shame. For the only time that night I could hear people singing along.

“Desperado” could have easily been the only song most of the people in the audience knew. Like “I Will Always Love You”, it is one of those songs that has been recorded by every Chinese singer. And like “I Will Always Love You”, I have never spoken to anyone who seems to know that the big famous version that all the Chinese singers copied was not the original version. The Wife and others always thought the Carpenters’ “Desperado” was the original. The Chinese would probably prefer a Carpenters concert to the Eagles, were that possible. And when I played Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You” to the Wife, she said she preferred the original, meaning Whitney Houston’s version. Dolly Parton will likely never come here. Whitney Houston probably lost her voice to all that blow she did when she got married. The Carpenters are mostly dead. The Eagles are the most this country will ever get.

It was a pretty good show. Not as good as Peter Gabriel’s “Growing Up” tour, but much better than Paul Simon’s “Born At The Right Time”. The band looked like they had seen better days, but they sounded good. Henley and Schmit can still hit the high notes and Walsh played some funky guitar riffs. Don Felder’s replacement, Steuart Smith, is probably a better guitarist than Felder. The backup band seemed to be enjoying themselves and no one phoned it in. I was a little concerned about that, considering the location. This is not exactly their target market. My main complaint of the show was that Henley spent very little time on the drums. He only played on a few of the biggest hits, and spent most of his time on guitar. With Walsh, Frey and Smith, they really have no need for another guitarist. Walsh and Smith had some shredding solos, and even Glenn Frey made a decent effort of it. Walsh and Frey did an amusing guitar duet on one song. Don Henley’s limited guitar skills were not required.

My plan had always been to take a taxi back to the hotel after the concert. Even before I knew that there was no shuttle bus on Sunday I assumed that it would not run so late at night. This is a place where very little public transportation operates after 10pm. With hundreds of people gathered in the same place all wanting to leave at the same time, there will always be taxis.

An inconvenient truth about Chinese taxi drivers is that they are some of the greediest racist bastards on the planet. In the middle of large cities where there are multiple transporation options there are fewer problems. In the middle of nowhere when the demand equals the supply, things get interesting. The taxi ride to the stadium cost me 100元. Several taxi drivers offered to take me back for 500元. That seemed a little high. I got some Chinese people to get a driver down to 200元. Prices are always much lower for locals. But as soon as I got in the taxi he told me 400元. This is the kind of thing that annoys tourists and turns people who normally remind you of Donna Reed into the typical angry American. Sometimes some people are not wild about getting screwed six ways to Pittsburgh. But I have lived here long enough to expect the worst from people who equate a white face with an unlimited expense account and a willingness to flush money down the toilet. I not only accept the racism and greed, I expect it.

The walk back to the hotel took me about an hour. That is probably not much to a healthy, physically fit person. But it was interesting in that I have likely never walked so far while surrounded by so little. Half of the time I was walking in the street with dirt fields on either side of me. Walking in the street is not generally a smart move when there are Chinese drivers about, but there were none here. This in itself is noteworthy. Even in the tiny farm village of 崙背 I could never get very far without encountering others. I did not walk in the fields because there was little moonlight and the millions of stray dogs that foul the countryside literally foul the countryside.

On a dark Chinese dirt road
Stale air in my face
Warm smell of open sewers
All over the place


When I finally wanted to go to sleep I pulled back the hotel bed covers to check for tiny insects and leftovers from the previous tenants, as I always do. This is a lesson I learned from years in Asia and finding dog shit in a hotel bed. The bed at this weekend’s hotel was feces free, but there was a large greasy stain on the bottom sheet. When I called the front desk, the woman who sounded half asleep seemed surprised that I wanted to change the sheets at such a late hour. I tried to explain that changing them the next day would do me no good. She wanted to take the Chinese path of least effort but I was insistent. By 4am I had given up on the quaint notion that I was going to get clean sheets and tore the bed apart and went to sleep on the cleanest sheet of the lot. Four hours later the phone rang. I ignored it, but it had already woken me. The very long taxi ride to the train station cost me 350元.

I cannot recommend a visit to 龜山, and bands should probably find a better place to perform, but Eagols put on a good rockershow.


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